Termination *sensitive post*

[Justme84]

I've been scouring the internet for the last week looking for advice. Mumsnet appears to have the most practical common sense advice. So here I am.

I am 32 years old with 2 children. A good marriage and about to embark in my final year of a degree that has very nearly broken me. I've been so excited to see the light at the end of this tunnel
We are about to move house too next week all being well with completion. A much nicer house which has been made possible as in 12 months time I will be not only earning but earning a comfortable amount.

I was for the first time in a long time feeling happier.

Until 10 days ago when out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I am on the pill and can't think of anything I did for the pill to fail.
I can't remember my lmp as I don't always bleed when I have my pill break but I know it was towards the end of April. Making me 6 weeks pregnant
I am devastated.

I KNOW I can't have this baby. I have worked so so so so hard to get to where I am. I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.
My husband has said from the beginning that it would be impractical to have a baby right now and is also as upset as me about the whole situation.

I am booked with marie stopes to have a surgical termination this Thursday. I am beyond heartbroken about this.
I am trying my very best to do what is right by everyone except the baby so it would seem. My mind is made up but it isn't stopping the pain I am feeling and I just don't know how to cope.
I feel very pregnant right now too which means it's all I think about.

I have gone back and forth with the what ifs and I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.
I feel like I am playing god but I know can't carry on feeling this way.

With my 2 children I cried tears of joy with my pregnancy tests
This one however I sobbed like I have never before through pure heartbreak. I feel like a monster.

I am looking for anyone that can offer me practical advice on what is to come and about what I am feeling right now. Sorry if I have brought up any hurtful past experiences.

You have my sympathies. I can't offer you any advice unfortunately, but only you know what is right for you and your family. Go with your gut. Hope someone else can help you x

You poor thing, can't imagine your pain. I would really struggle with this too.
If you've made your mind up for sure then cuddle up with your husband, and let it all out and let him let it out too. Don't bottle it up.
And remember that your decision is your own, try not to fell pressured either way by anyone not in your family. Xx

No one should have to have a baby she doesn't want. You are not alone. I'm a doctor and most of my patients who opt for abortion are in your situation (kids already). You probably have friends who have been in the same situation but haven't talked about it because abortion is so stigmatised.

Only you can decide what is right for you. But sadness and regret are perfectly normal and don't necessarily mean that abortion is the wrong choice.

I don't have any practical advice OP but I just wanted to reassure you that you are not a monster you make decisions based on what is best for you and your family, and there is no wrong decision. I'm so sorry you're going through this x

Nobody should continue with an unwanted pregnancy, so stop torturing yourself with the thoughts of how you felt with your wanted pregnancies compared to this one.
It sounds like you were unlucky that your contraception failed and these things happen. Thankfully you live in a time and place where you have options and choices, and you are exercising that choice.
You are making a decision in the best interest of your physical and mental health, your families future and, you know what?, your wants - and that is absolutely how it should be.

Of course you'd rather not be in this position, but here you are.
So, be practical about it - you have made your appointment, go along to the allocated time and make use of the offered counselling. Ask yourself: if you miscarried tomorrow, would you be relieved or upset? That might tell you something about where you stand.

V best of luck. You will be fine, whatever you decide, but make a decision and then own that decision and move on.

Many women will have an unplanned pregnancy at some time in their lives. Most of my friends have terminated a pregnancy at some point in their lives. Please don't feel bad about doing whatever is best for you and your family.

You aren't a monster and you aren't alone.

Shiny is right - I bet many, many women have abortions when their families are complete but just don't talk about it. I know I would have to have one if I accidentally got pregnant again, another baby would break me and my marriage and I already feel like I was a better mother when I only had one DC so I wouldn't stretch myself more thinly again. Best of luck, make sure you have thought it through and talk to someone in RL who won't judge if you can. I have supported friends through abortions, they are more common than we realise.

I could have been in exactly the same position this month. I would have done exactly as you are. I really feel for you

I don't know if she is your cup of tea, but Caitlin Moran wrote an amazingly frank and honest piece in her book 'How to be a woman' on her decision to terminate her 3rd pregnancy, and how she came to terms with it and why

It might be worth a read. I found it very refreshing to read an honest account of knowing it was unashamedly the right decision that wouldn't be regretted

I had a termination just before I started my degree 2 years ago, I felt like you but felt it was my turn now and things were starting to go right, my daughter was 16 at the time, and there would have been no way I could have completed by training, it's a horrible situation to be in, i feel for you

Please don't torment yourself with the pro life propaganda op. They don't tell the truth and they aren't trying to help you.

It's good you and your husband are on the same page with this. You didn't plan it, it's not what you want, it's ok to say this pregnancy cannot continue. You probably will feel sad about this for a while but I'm betting you will feel relieved too.

Oh god, I didn't miss the pro life comment. Completely disregard that crap, I firmly believe that the life of you and your existing DC should come first. Having an abortion is often a responsible choice.

You made the choice not to have more children by using contraception. You have been very unlucky to have an unexplained contraception failure.

I MISSED the pro-life comment, not didn't. Ignore me, I'm probably not helping!

OP, there's an old feminist classic called In a different voice by Carol Gilligan, which is an examination of the ethics of abortion, and one of the things that I remember most vividly about it is her case studies of women's decision making processes in coming to have abortions. So many of them were like you - children already, doing what was best for them as women, and for their existing children, saying that it wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right one in the circumstances. Sometimes that's how it is - the right decision isn't an easy one, it doesn't come with an immense feeling of relief, or weight lifting off one's shoulders, it's just something to be got through. And one of the hard things is it's your decision to make, and yours alone - no-one else can make that decision for you.

Only you can decide what is the right course of action for you - if I'm reading your OP correctly, you're 90% certain but not 100% (and that's one of the other crappy things about this sort of situation - it's time-bound, a decision has to be made one way or the other within a certain deadline, and sometimes you get to the deadline and you're not 100% either way). But remember that whatever you choose, it is not "morally wrong". It may be a sad decision to have had to take, it may be a struggle, but please, step away from the pro-life literature. If you keep the baby do so because you want it, not because you've guilt tripped yourself into it. If you have a termination do so in the knowledge that it's the right thing for you and your family.

and good luck.

All of your kind words have made me cry but in a good way. A good way in a crap situation.

I am 90% certain... I'd go as far as 95% certain. My only doubts come from me feeling like I am being selfish and not protecting one of my " children" asides from that. I know this is the right thing.
12 months from now when I graduate, settled into a new house I most probably would have had a different solution however unexpected. However, that wasn't to be.

It took me 2 years ttc both of my children.
This time I feel like I took the pill properly. Had sex once and pregnant. Also it must have been around day 8/9 so I clearly ovulate earlier than I used to.

With reference to the miscarriage take on it all.
The past few days my symptoms have been less rampant. Less sick, boobs aren't as sore etc and I said to dh that I hoped that this awful desicion was being made for me and that mother nature would help me. Eurghh what a thing to hope for hey.

Not at all an unreasonable thing to hope for, no.

As others have said, feeling sadness and regret does not mean that the decision to terminate is the wrong one for you.

I don't hear selfish in your posts op. I hear somebody who is the heart of her family and is thinking about what everybody needs as well as what she herself needs.

What Northern said. But also, it is ok to be selfish sometimes too if it means putting yourself first in a scenario like this. I'm sorry you are in this position

Just regarding the stuff you've read about fetal pain on the pro-life sites, here's some legitimate science. I'm not sure if this will help OP. It did me when I had a TFMR.

www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/rcogfetalawarenesswpr0610.pdf

It's a review of the (admittedly limited) information about fetal pain perception. It's quite technical but it gave me genuine comfort. X

Again thank you for all your kind words. It is really helping. I'm going to have a look at that some suggested reading too and step away from pro life.

Also that link is brilliant. I didn't think pain would be felt but I continued to read pro life and cry " all life is a life from conception" I need to strip it back to the basics. Right down to biological factors. If I was to "give birth" now it wouldn't be viable. I am literally looking at dividing cells right now. There is no guarantee I would carry to term either. This is playing on my mind quite a lot at the moment as asides from the shell shock and devastation of the positive. I have this gut feeling that something isn't right. My symptoms were severe, which is what prompted me to test. Then they almost switched off over night and only came back yesterday. I just feel very different and having been pregnant before I know this doesn't feel as it should. Maybe I am clutching at straws. Maybe it's my minds way of switching off from it all. Who knows.

I have 2 days left now. I can't wait to come out the other side and start to work through the emotions. As someone said previously. The right decision isn't always the easiest. This really feels that way for me.

I would love to tell my mum what is happening but I can't bring myself to. I think one there is a distinct possibility she would try and get me to see from the other side and I've already been through every scenario possible and don't have the emotional strength to do that again and also selfishly I don't want her asking how I am every 5 minutes. I need everything to be as normal as it can be.

What I find weird is that already I feel like I shouldn't be allowed/want to grieve this as a loss. As I made the ultimate decision. However, I know I won't want to forget either.
I'm already getting myself in a complete state about the dating scan. I know I can't look at that. Not a chance. Nevertheless, I feel like I need to be able to remember.
I never realised it was possible to feel such a wide range of emotions all at once. I feel drained.

Most women who have abortions are in your bracket - completed their families, don't want another. Having a child is a massive disruption into your family's life and your life. This is exactly why abortion is a woman's rights issue. Women bear the brunt of childcare too. Whilst it is your personal decision, try not to feel alone. Many many women have had an abortion - it is something like almost as high as 2/3rds by the time you hit the menopause. Many women find the decision hard at the time but the evidence indicates very few regret it afterwards, and if you do there is counselling support available. It's your body and your choice for a reason. I believe wholeheartedly in a woman's right to choose and I hope you can find some RL support to give you a hug. Good luck.

OP re the scan, I can totally see how you don't want to look at it but are also haunted by thoughts of wanting to remember. Is there any chance they could print a photo from the scan for you? And pop it in envelope etc. Perhaps even post it to you. That way you have a reminder if you would like one and don't have the regret of never seeing the fetus if you suddenly feel you would have liked to.

You are 100% allowed to grieve for this pregnancy and what might have been. You are making choices that are right for you and your family but there is always the what if scenarios - as you say, 12 months on from now, would you have made a different choice? But it is NOW and we all have sliding doors moments. Grieve with your DH but - in time - I hope you can be proud of yourself for making the right decision for you and your family at an unbearably hard point in your life.

Firstly, I'm glad you've had so much support over this post.

I just wanted to offer you another thought process, if it's helpful. Would it really be the worst thing to have this baby? Short term it would be difficult, but ultimately could it benefit your family to have another child where your existing children can help out and really enjoy a little brother or sister?
Work would be hard but could you and your husband look at bringing this child up differently ie bottle feeding, shared maternity/paternity leave etc to allow you to go back to work sooner.
The fact that you're already moving house could make things easier before having the baby, at least you won't have to move again. Then just tighten on spending for the short term before going back to work?

I'm sure you've considered all of this (and more) but I wouldn't want you thinking about this and how you might have been able to have this baby after deciding on a termination, particularly if you do decide on another baby in the future.

Anyway hope this is helpful. I'm not judging at all, you just don't want to have these thoughts afterwards. Good luck with whatever you decide on xx