DS(9) still can't swim after years of lessons - how to approach it and how to motivate him?

[Yesterdayyesterday]

I feel so sad about this today. DS is in Y5 and I've been taking him for swimming lessons since Y1 and he is making such slow progress. He can do about 10m on his back and maybe 5 on his front but it feels so far from where he needs to be.

We've tried several different swim schools, for various reasons including scheduling and just trying to find somewhere that clicks. Recently I decided that the pool he was in (teaching pool) was too small and shallow as he puts his feet down regularly when swimming rather than doing the whole length.

So today I took him to the local council pool which is a full size one. Annoyingly I booked him on the wrong class - stage 2. I felt that was pretty humiliating for him as he was with a bunch of 5 year olds and it was too basic. The stage 3 class looked better but the kids still looked a lot younger.

I'm not sure what to do - try to get a stage 3 spot or do 1-1 lessons, or go back to the last place which at least was quiet and friendly. Also, he doesn't really enjoy swimming either so I need some way of motivating him to go.

Thanks, TBF we have never had a resort/swimming pool type holiday. I am actually considering booking it now for that very reason.

Yeah I know we should go more for fun. I don't think he loathes swimming though, it's more that he just isn't interested in it. He's happy enough submerging etc and seems happy enough in his lesson. But given the option he would rather just hang out at home rather than go to a swimming lesson or with us.

Sorry to hear this. DS also does the bicycle legs. He has got better, but still does it. I hope the 1-1 are going well.

Yes exactly, this is what I want. I don't care if he can do both front crawl and breastroke, one or other will suffice. Once I could swim breastroke as a child I just did that and I didn't have endless lessons. However, I'm a bit rubbish at front crawl now, but the point is I'm a competent swimmer.

If you've done something for 4 years and you're not really getting anywhere, why not stop?

Im not a fan of swimming lessons really. Ds never progressed very well and it was so tiring for both if us. I'm sure 1:1 would have helped but, soooo expensive!

What helped was going on holiday somewhere with a pool and swimming every day for a week.

This happened with DS2. I started taking him once a week, just the two of us. To make it fun, the first week, he just had to swim one length then we messed around, diving under each other's legs and trying to do underwater handstands etc and went to a cafe. Following week 2 lengths, week after 4 lengths, always with some mucking around time afterwards. We upped it by two lengths each week - with a break after each length if he needed one.

We carried on like this until he could swim a kilometre and then a mile!

He can swim.

I was like this. My mum complained to the swimming instructor who said 'She can swim- no idea why she doesn't swim further. She needs to be out of the shallow end so she can't put her feet down'. I used to swim a few metres then pretend to swim with my feet on the bottom.

Mum booked 1-1, instructor took me to deep end and said 'OK, we're swimming a length together'. In we got and I did it- mainly because I didn't like the deep end.

I still don't like deep ends of swimming pools. Don't know why. I'm fine up to 6ft. Don't like anything after that, or diving or jumping in.

My ds was like this and l booked lessons every day for a week with a tutor who specialised in
" reluctant swimmers" It was during the Summer holidays and one on one. I was amazed at the improvement in a week and he went on from there to eventually become quite a good swimmer. He had signs of dyspraxia..struggled to ride a bike etc.

My other ds also struggled as was very uncoordinated and after doing a series of exercises with a neuro therapist his overall coordination improved as did his swimming. She said it was a physical impossibility for him to swim before going through the exercise routine. He had been a forceful forceps delivery which had a big impact.

Not to pile on but I’m another vote for switching to closely supervised just for fun pool sessions! Obviously you don’t have an incredibly confident swimmer on your hands, so you’ll need to be vigilant; having said that, take him to fun times and places. Even if it means you have neither the time nor the finances to do formal lessons at the same time.

I am confident in the water, love to cruise under water, love to float on the water (float as in without any flotation device), and altogether love swimming. I love a good backstroke. And I absolutely hated most of my swimming lesson time because it forced me to get water in my eyes nose and mouth and I was legitimately terrified of making progress because that meant going over my head. We had both a pool and a large pond at home and I’d live in the water in the summer - but the Red Cross lessons at our local school were traumatizing. Eventually I did pass and I did jump off into the deep end but to this day I decline a standard breaststroke.

I’ll never swim competitively and I’ll never be the one out in the ocean racing to save a drowning person but I can keep myself afloat safe and have a blast. Very little of that is thanks to swimming lessons (and I’m not against them; I’m hoping to get our children in ASAP!). But somehow the utter terror of the dark depths of the deep end and that horrid looking diving board and the instructors trying to push my face in the water stalled my progress. I have zero qualms putting myself under when I’m prepared, aware, and doing it my own way.

So yes. Start with splash park type places and work on up… with fun snack options after and loads of water wars and ball tossing and perhaps some of whatever invisible thing is holding your still very young son back will vanish.

I learned to swim in the sea, never went in a swimming pool until I was about 10. I found pools very boring; I think if I'd had to learn in one I probably wouldn't have put in much effort. I wouldn't have known about how much fun it is mucking about in the waves at the seaside when you can swim - or going on flume slides (sadly they didn't exist when I was a kid - my friend and I used to play in this - a chilly but fun substitute! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dart_at_Salmon_leap_2.JPG)

I got nowhere with swimming lessons with my ds. Like yours, he quite liked sport and being active but no sense of urgency or competitiveness with anything. He could also swim 5-10m but kept putting his feet down and was happy in the water and happy to put his face in. I stopped the lessons then took him in the pool myself and demonstrated to him in the shallow end how I could lifesave him. After that, up to the deep end and I bribed him with £5 to swim a length. He stressed and faffed for about 10mins but then had a go because he really wanted the money and he swam a whole length. He now has the stroke style of a dying whale but can swim forever and loves it! Keep meaning to book some 1:1 sessions to sort his style out at some point.

Ahh I remember the day the instructor dropped us one by one from the diving board into the deep end (3m) and made us swim back to the shallow end. I still can picture them peeling my fingers off the diving board but from that day on I was never afraid of deep water lol. I doubt they do that anymore, for better or worse.

My child was able to swim enough for me so they were going through the motions and not getting anything out of it, swimming is great but even children should be able to say enough is enough I want to stop

you can be an olympic swimmer and still drown so there has to be an end point sometime

Are they the type of lessons where you're meant to learn several strokes and swim them well? So more technique focussed? DD's lessons are like that, whereas my childhood lessons were about survival skills and building up stamina - I only learnt breast stroke but could swim long distances. I still don't like putting my face under the water, but I enjoy regular swimming for fitness! I've never needed to do front crawl or butterfly...

It might be a case of finding the lessons that are the right fit and mean he'll be a safe competent swimmer.

Yes they are the standard swim England stage 1-7 lessons, so not ideal because as you say they are focused on developing technique in all four strokes.

I feel your pain! I spent a small fortune on swimming lessons for my DC. DD in particular was a very slow learner and for a long time fearful of having water on her head and face. After a very frightening experience in a lesson at a sport centre we found a little private swimming school with a lovely teacher. The pool was much smaller and the lessons were with about 5 children maximum, so lots of one to one attention but also very friendly and sociable too. Quite a few kids that went there had some kind of special need (ASD, dyspraxia etc) that meant they hadn't got on in the bigger classes and pools. I also paid for membership to a private health club with pool and the childminder took them at least once usually more times a week. I tried to be patient and encouraging but I completely lost the plot one time when I took them swimming after years and years of lessons and they were like non swimmers. I made it very clear that I was doing all I could but they needed to put in the work and the effort too. It took a long time and lots of money, and my DD is still a rubbish swimmer but importantly she can actually swim now so is safe in or near water.

Dyspraxic DS got nowhere with group lessons all through primary school. In the first term of secondary we heard that they needed to be able to swim 50m to be able to do all the activities on a school trip he wanted to go on, so I booked him in to private lessons with another friend from his class (just the two of them with one instructor). Within a few weeks they were both swimming 100m.

I think it was a combination of being a little older and stronger, individual attention, and being motivated by wanting to go on the trip, rather than it just seeming like a pointless half hour once a week messing around in a pool with a huge group of kids.

I never used to believe this until I met someone who couldnt swim but there are people who just cannot swim, they dont float, no matter how many lessons and what coaching they have.

I would try the 1-1 lessons but be prepared that it might be osmething that he just cant do

1: 1 swimming lessons in an appropriate pool - or we found intensive group sessions in school holidays - every holiday half terms and all longer ones - so every day in small group pared with weekly lessons - they made quick progress and then did fun swim based activities in holidays - but our leisure center put these on and they were good.

I think lack of break and mix of intensive then going to fun activities helped get them moved on quickly and kept them motivated - for reasons ours were late coming to swimming lessons eldest was 10 but despite likely dyspraxia made massive progress with above.

I didn’t realise that if you take your feet off the bottom and lie on the water you actually float. Ok you need your face in the water but that was such a lightbulb moment for me. I thought if took your feet off the bottom you sunk like a stone. Holding a float out in front and floating on the surface is a start

We were in a similar position to you and the thing that cracked it was an intensive course over the summer. It was essentially an hour lesson every week day over two weeks. I think because there wasn’t a big gap between lessons he wasn’t forgetting what he had learnt and his confidence grew massively. It wasn’t cheap but by that point we had tried everything including 1:1 lessons. Like you, if the pool wasn’t deep enough he would constantly be putting his feet down.

He sounds like DD2 - and in her case the issue is dyspraxia (diagnosed). Her muscle tone and core strength is weak so holding her shape in the water is hard, and that's before you factor in coordination and moving arms and legs and breathing all at the same time.

She had just about got into stage 1 and out of beginners after a good year and a half of lessons... and then the fucking pandemic hit. Went back and she got to being confident but lacking finesse in stage 2 and we moved times lot to get her with children nearer her own age - but she's never likely to do strokes perfectly so now we've ditched the lessons and are just focusing on taking her ourselves weekly to just build up confident and stamina with what we've got - she's never likely to do beautiful breastroke legs but she can functionally swim enough to enjoy the pool, waterslides etc.

DS13 is dyspraxic and has always found swimming hard from a young age. Struggled hugely with LA lessons and was always stuck in a group with younger kids due to lack of progress, fear of deep water and their obsession with teaching butterfly, ffs.
We switched to 121 lessons with a private teacher in a small but deep secondary school pool. He's had five years of gentle focus on technique and confidence and can now do 200m (though he's totally shattered afterwards!). His coordination has improved as he's grown bigger and stronger. He'll never be a super swimmer but he's good enough now to try watersports and snorkelling and stuff.
Also re: dyspraxia, bike riding has never been a problem so don't assume that because he can ride he's not dyspraxic. DS's main issues were handwriting, knife and fork, shoelaces, core strength, coordination and bladder problems. He rides a race bike no problems! Definitely get your DS seen by an OT.

Ah that's interesting @tpmumtobe about bladder problems as he does have the occasional small accident. Not often but maybe a handful of times a year.

How do you even get a diagnosis of dyspraxia? Go to the GP? DS has some other issues, which might just be his personality but could be all one bundle of issues I guess. He has obsessive interests, and has quite strong emotional reactions to small things going wrong, plus issues in making choices/decisions.

@Yesterdayyesterday Bladder issues common with dyspraxia due to lack of core strength, the bladder nurse predicted he was dyspraxic and dyslexic before he was diagnosed! DS had multiple accidents a week and was on meds for a couple of years. Also very late to be dry at night (about 11). Accidents are now very limited but then he never drinks anything, drives me nuts!
You need an occupational therapist (OT) for the dyspraxia assessment. We've always found them the quickest and easiest to get hold of. Lots of boroughs let you self refer or you go through GP and just explain some of the motor skills you're concerned he's struggling with.
Re: the other behaviours sometimes when it's not obvious what's causing issues it's best to start with one and see what they recommend. It was a speech therapist who first flagged OT concerns for DS when I was giving his case history, for eg.
Also, you can't underestimate the impact dyspraxia can have on kids more broadly. Yes, it's motor problems, but I realised after DS was diagnosed how exhausting life was just carrying his bones around, and how much he struggled to coordinate himself socially, which is bound to have an impact on other stuff.