Dance lesson. Am I right to be upset?

[ISSTIUTNG]

My 5.5 year old goes to a dance school. She has been going since she was 2. She didn't join in at all at first but as far as I was concerned she has improved vastly and this was no longer an issue. She's taken her first exam and got good results. She takes every lesson that she possibly can at her age and we do everything we're asked to do ITO shows/events etc

Lots of the kids do 4 lessons in row on Saturdays. It's well known that they are all (understandably) tired by the final lesson. Some of the kids are frequently coming out of the lessons, some having borderline tantrums because they're so fed up. I thought my dd was fine as she rarely comes out or anything. However, today one of the younger teachers came out of the lesson looking flustered and went to fetch the owner of the dance school. The owner then went into the lesson, came back out after a couple of minutes, made a beeline straight for me. In front of all the other parents she said my child (x) has been refusing to do anything for the last 2 lessons of the morning for a few weeks in a row claiming to be tired etc. Apparently she has been going to sit down and refusing to do anything for the lesson no matter what the teachers do. I was very clear that no way did I expect them to tolerate her disrupting the other kids and that if they can't get her to join in they're to send her straight out to me. My dd insists that she loves dancing and wants to keep going but I've made it clear to her that if this is how she's going to behave then we'll have to stop. When the owner talked to me she said she 'doesn't want me to be wasting my money'....

2 things have really upset me. I don't think it was at all necessary to drop this bombshell in front of the other parents. I feel really humiliated by this. As far as I'm concerned this has sent the message that my daughter is solely to blame for the anarchy that is their last lesson. I don't deny that she's being a pain in the butt by the sounds of it but she really isn't the only one. The second is the owner's comment about me wasting my money. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but I feel like that's her way of saying they don't want my dd there any more. If the owner hadn't made this comment I would have just taken on board their comments, kept more of an eye on my dd and quit the lessons in a few weeks if my dd didn't improve. However, this comment has made me wonder if they've already made their mind up that they don't want her there, in which case they're absolutely right I don't want to give them another penny of my money.

Am I being overly sensitive? What would others do in this case? I know I shouldn't be letting it bother me but it's really upset me. Dance is quite a large part of mine and my daughter's life. I don't want to quit if she really likes it but nor do I want her to go somewhere several hours a week where she's just considered a massive burden.

I think you're being over sensitive. Your DD is doing nothing, hence the wasting money comment. You're paying for her to sit on the floor!

2 hours is far too much for a 5 year old in one go. No wonder she's playing up.

the fact that in a class full of kids who it seems were nearly all causing the teacher grief mine was singled out as the problem child.

How do you know "nearly all" the other kids are causing the teacher grief when you didn't even know your DD was?

Your little girl is not feeling happy. The adults working with her are telling you this and you are worried about how you are feeling.

Your DD is telling her dance teachers through her behaviour (which is a different thing from misbehaviour) that what you are expecting her to do is too much.

They are listening to her. Please do the same.

This.

Four different dance styles one after the other on one day is mentally knackering as well as physically. Strong, agile teenagers who have been dancing for years would be able to cope with that, but at five, as the teacher said, you really are wasting your money. In my experience, extra-curricular teachers, coaches and the like are usually more than happy to take your money, so for them to actually say this to you, it means that they are putting your child's welfare first.

I don't know what sort of dance she is doing, but I'd honestly cut the classes down to two instead of four. That would be plenty.

Bearing in mind people often swop details round a bit for anonymity, is there any chance you are the parent from this thread? Because the responses tended to be that the teacher should talk to the parent.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4942632-saying-this-child-should-not-continue-to-attend-activity

But again, why are you doing four in a row? Still doesn’t make any sense.

OP. Oh Op. You say she loves dance. And is fine with 4 classes back to back. She's five.
Does she love ice cream? If you offered her 4 ice creams back to back, would she try and eat them? And then if, the next day, you asked her if she loved ice cream, would she say yes?
Would doing that every week be a good idea because 'she loves, and still loves, ice cream'? Or would the adult in you recognise that she's too young to get the implications of the question, the activity, the tiredness (the sickness after 4 ice creams), any of it? Would the adult in you find it in yourself to say 'DD, four is too much lovey, let's just have one, because you can have another one next Saturday.'
Also do you understand how much at 5 she just wants to make everyone happy? You especially, but also her dad and the dance teacher? And then she can't because it's too much but she has no idea why and when she sees you liking her doing dance that's the bit that lights up her endorphins for another round, no matter how beyond capacity she's gone.
Please ease off. This is not good for her, or you, or anyone.

With the best of intentions and wishes for you and for your DD.

Can’t your dd just do the first three classes, and drop the last one, @ISSTIUTNG?

Basically this.

Are you trying to get your daughter to be in shows or something?

What are the four different classes, out of interest? I do think that 4 is too many fit a child of that age.

I don't think that post is about my dd @FizzyWizard. I have contacted the school and told them she won't be doing the last lesson any more and told them to send her out from the other lessons if she is not participating not so I can tell her off but so I can monitor how she's doing and drop other lessons if need be.

I am not dancing trained. I've not ever done dancing lessons myself. I assumed that what the kids were doing is the norm and that lots of kids do at least the 3 core lessons. I realise now that it's too much which is why I'm removing her.

What was ' Dance is quite a large part of mine and my daughter's life. ' all about

• it's half of one day, out of 7 days.

So not really a large part ? something like less than 1/14th of the week ( based on a 12 hour day for a child )

I would think school is a large part of the child's life - it's 5 days a week.

The only part you are doing is sitting in a waiting room / reception / hallway during lessons and driving her there and back once a week.

I agree with all the other parents, choose which of the 4 classes she enjoys and is capable of doing and drop the rest or if she must do 4 classes a week consider one after a full day at school...

Lots of the kids do 4 lessons in row on Saturdays.

Actual insanity. Like a lot of things relating to kids' dance lessons 🙄 Have they never met kids?!

I think you've posted about this before numerous times and from different perspectives. I think you're overly obsessed tbh but you don't like to hear that

Great analogy @heldinadream

They have literally told you the truth. Your dd is too tired to do the four classes and is now refusing to take part. You are offended because you have taken this personally. It is just factual. Four dance classes at that age is ridiculous. I suppose the dance teacher could have told you privately. In any case you are over reacting.

@ISSTIUTNG I'm assuming the three core lessons you mention are ballet, tap and modern - what's the 4th one?

I guess I've outed myself enough so might as well just say it's acro.

To be fair it's the most fun and she seemed to enjoy it when she first started and there didn't seem to be any issues. However, more and more of the younger kids have started doing the acro (some are only 4). It has changed the dynamic of the group and tbh I think lots of them are fed up by then and as soon as some of them start disengaging the rest copy. That isn't a complaint, it's an observation.

I genuinely see how nuts this is now. I'm going to drop the acro until she tells me she wants to start again when she's a bit older.

To make clear, what I am most upset about isn't that I was told. I'm upset that I wasn't told earlier. I'm upset that the teachers don't just have the gumption to send the kids out for their sake if they're literally doing nothing and I'm upset that I put a lot of commitment into this dance school and yet my child and I are the ones who are singled out and made to feel like naughty kids when I've seen it with my own eyes that lots of the kids are struggling with that last lesson especially. I'm trying not to be paranoid but I feel like I'm getting a very clear message that we aren't wanted there

Both my son and my daughter had loads of clubs and my son was a really good horse rider from age 7 spending hours 'up the field' every Sunday (organised riding school) years ago he was the only boy there (1991) at aged 10 he showed a lot of promise and entered gym carners with prizes etc... then he just said one day he didn't want to continue we'd invested a lot of time and money into this and the riding teacher even came round home to persuade him to come back but my son stuck to his guns and we had to respect his decision. At age 11 he stood on stage at the school concert and sang solo ( usually only girls sang) from that day on he 'got the bug' won a 3 year scholarship to a prestigious performing arts college when he left school and has 'been in the business' for years now... performing, sound and light technician stage manager and the list goes on! I do remember seeing on the clubs circuit tired kids and worn out mums too but if the kids have a passion age 7+ or even older they can still excel at it even if they haven't had the very early years experience where the dance classes can be repetitive and not so much fun for a tired tot. Please don't see this as a criticism your DD has plenty more years ahead to pick up where she left off even if you leave it for a few years maybe start by condensing the lessons right down so it eases the pressure on you both. Please also remember that she may be headed for a really tough career in dance/entertainment and rejection for parts/auditions is always tough and you do need to grow a thick skin. I hope that helps.

@ISSTIUTNG speaking as a long-time dance parent with a dc who went rather a long way with it all and is now professionally qualified, I feel I have to be honest here. I'd start thinking about whether it is the right dance school for her.

At 5, one would expect classes to be half an hour long, and certainly not with four of them one after the other on the same day. It is far, far too much and she will not be learning good technique in any of the disciplines, because it will be immediately contradicted by using a different technique in the next class. The other matter is that continuing to dance when tired increases the chance of injury. Dance schools which teach acro and/or enter lots of competitions do tend to push the kids too much - imho anyway.

That many classes at that age is just not very sensible. At my children’s ballet school they only doing 30 minute lessons until grade 1 when it goes to 45 minutes. 4 lessons back to back at 4/5 was always asking for trouble- they just can’t concentrate properly for that long at that age and that’s entirely developmentally normal. Even at school they’d be doing short bursts of learning around play at that age.

The

Good grief my 11 year old who loves dance couldn’t do four lessons in a row!! She struggles with the switch from modern to tap on just one day.

drop some of the lessons.

Could you do it yourself without messing up?

My daughter 10 yo dance 1 hour and 45 minutes with a 15 min break on Saturdays - that maxium she can handle well. But it works well.

At 5 yo she did 45 min.

I’m a preforming arts teacher (though not dance) and would say you really should listen to the PPs with dance and dance teaching experience here. It doesn’t sound like this school are pacing their lessons well for young learners.