Tiger/helicopter parents/ Have you been accused.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I am posting here but could apply just as easy as if placed in G*T or Education.

Has anybody been accused of the above by other parents, friends or worst a relative. Me and dh have always encouraged our children to be involved with activities as we think it important. We have 2 older dcs (20,17) and dd 8. the older ones had lots of encouragement and did activities for a while but one by one they went and now have one or 2 hobbies, which we still support when they are willing for us to, lol. My sister announced she was worried about me as I do too much for dd and didn't do the same for her brothers, this was to my dh. I was gob smacked. Dh and I named all the opportunities they were given and the support and encouragement that was no different to dd, except she has continued hers. She said I was a pushy mum and ruining her life. My sister has no control over her dd who is spoilt rotten and has no interests.

It occured to me that maybe other parents who have self motivating children may have experienced this and how they deal with it. I am posting this with a large stick attached to my hand whilst beating dd whilst she practices. I guess some people don't believe that children have their own minds and they won't continue activities they no longer enjoy.

I have been called a pushy/tiger parent but not a helicopter one. I'm assuming that its a parent that is always hovering over their kids. If that is what you mean, my kids are self motivating so I haven't felt the need to 'hover'

I can't say that these criticisms bother me much. Being a Tiger Parent is only a bad thing if you are pushing your DCs in a direction that they don't want and/or at a speed that they can't handle.

As far as I am aware helicopter parent is not just pushy but apparently removes all barriers to allow the smooth running of the childs life so they can concentrate on the thing they are being pushed in. An example would be not expecting them to help around the home. Running their life to a time table etc. I have never been accused of this one!

You learn something new every day :)

I understood helicopter parent as constantly hovering - think standing with arms outstretched behind them on the climbing frame.

Oh no morethan... I don't ask DS to help in the house because he has so much work already I am just happy for him to read, draw or do his stuff. Also he has a time table because we have found it's what works best for him, he just gets on with things, no need to remind him, etc. I also remove barriers such as his grandmother wanting to get on the phone with him whenever he is practising music. I tell her: later please. Am I horrible? Am I just helping or am I a helicopter mum?

Sheblackhawk - if you seriously don't make your son do chores or interact with family members because he's busy fading with a hobby, you are going to raise a friggin monster.

You won't realise it while he's living with you, as long as y continue to facilitate and encourage such utterly self centred behaviour. It will be the first other person he lives with who will bear the brunt of it. Pease rethink this .

sheblackhawk please say you're joking....

SORRY I wasn't joking, I guess it sounded more extreme than it is. Don't your DCs have a lot of work? Do they really all help at home? Because DS friends don't do anything at home and I know that for certain. I didn't know my DS was a friggin monster. I thought most 10 yr old boys don't do much at home except getting on with homework, music, sport, time with friends, etc.
BTW family members can interact with him anytime he is fading with a hobby, but his music practice and homework time is sacred time as are my writing hours (I am a writer). When I am writing I don't asnwer the phone because I find it incredibly distracting and people don't know how to call for a 5 min short chat, so why should he be forced to do that when he is trying to focus and practice? Anyway, that was just an example.
He is very considerate, a sweet boy and very responsible with his things. BUT I do not want to raise a self centered monster, so I have decided he will help more in the house. Thank you for your advice.

Yes, both of my children help in the home. They are six and nine, although the nine year old has sn, he is still going to have to look after himself at some point though!

They load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, feed the dog, put the recycling out, peel carrots, lay the table, put their own washing away and fetch their own dirty washing from upstairs, tidy bookshelves, polish windowsills, and generally help!

Or course they don't do all these ins every day, but each child will do at least one of these every day. Regardless of homework, none of those tasks will take more than 15 minutes, and the polishing, sweeping and dishwasher are a joint effort. I think anyone, regardless of age, can take 15 minutes out of a 12 hour waking day to help in the home they live in.

I also expect them to speak to grandparents on the phone whenever the grandparents take the time to ring, as both their grandparents do a lot for us, and it would be outright rude to ignore a call in favour of a hobby.

10yr old ds is very busy too, but he is expected to do chores. I actually didn't help around the house when I was young and I was so embarrassed when I left home and couldn't make a cup of tea or chop an onion.
As a result, ds can make simple meals, and, most importantly, make tea and coffee!!!!!! He asked me to teach him how to iron (I helped him iron his school shirt and shorts). He also has daily homework, and music practice, plus sports to do.

He still finds (too much) time to play on the xbox, and make a den with the other kids in the street.
Do your dd a favour and teach her how to cope with life skills.

I've been a helicopter parent to all of mine... Just can't help myself
And they don't do chores unless I specifically ask for help with something. 7 yr old doesn't at all

My feeling are that if you have to engineer your child's life so that they focus on the thing(s) you want them to do then they are already doing too much for them. Children need to grow up as cooperative and social human beings. Having consuming hobbies is good, but it does absolutely not absolve them from being pleasant, helpful, and good team players. If they can't manage their homework and their hobbies and be pleasant and cooperative without massive parental intervention, they are being pushed beyond their natural ability and it will come to grief somewhere along the way. The very least we should expect from children is that they learn to live cooperatively and try hard at school (ie develop social skills and a work ethic).

Everything else is an optional extra. Nobody is interested in a semi-musical/semi-athletic, self-centred brute, except maybe themselves and their parents.

But doing chores is the first step on the road to basic life skills. I would no sooner make mine not do chores than I would refuse to support their reading, or not make them go to school, or not show them how to get dressed, or not bother brushing their teeth. It's basic self care and I must confess to being a little bit aghast at children who aren't made to care for themselves and the environment they live in.

The chores I give them are not about me passing the buck of housework, it's a learning opportunity. I don't feel children should be denied an opportunity to learn.

Here here colditz.

See my previous post about me not having to help at home. Not good.

I completely agree with you colditz- doing chores is most definitely part of a healthy childhood. They come under the "cooperative" and social" part of my last post. Living in a house with other people involves taking part in all the activities that make that place a home.

My original post was supposed to be light really, even though I was annoyed at my sister. I read an article on helecopter parents and it said it was moving obsticles and barriers that stopped kids from doing whatever the activity was the parent was pushing. It is supposed to be the last straw for kids that are being pushed too hard at something they don't want to do. I refer to the recently documented tv programmes showing particularly chinese tiger moms, but apparentely it is on the increase in western civilisation.
I don't think this applies if the child is happy and chooses the activity.

At the risk of morphing this into a tiger mom thread, how can anyone here who reads threads about how some moms spend years tutoring their kids to get into highly selective schools actually believe that tiger moms are synonymous with the Chinese?

Yes, this OP has become hot stuff. DS does not have an xbox or a Nintendo, really. He also doesn't watch telly. The time he is not helping he is immersed in a book or writing a comic or playing music. Sorry, I find it really really hard to say: stop doing that and load the dishwasher, or stop doing that and peel a carrot. Ok, I guess I am the worst mother on earth. But please duchesse, children thank God are more complex and individual than that, and nurture is not all, and a child doesn't have to be a type B just because he is not being brought up as a type A. So in terms of your semi-musical/semi-athletic, self-centred brute DS, ironically, seems to be the most cooperative and caring boy in his class according to his teachers. So like I said, there are all kinds of children and I shall try to do better...

As you can see I'm a night owl and whilst waiting on ebay posting here, lol.
My dd does a lot of activity, all of them introduced by us her parents as she was either too young/ lack of speech development to ask or she was a bit older and showed an interest. I don't expect her to do too much but will nag her to tidy her room, side/set the table. Put dirty clothes in basket and tidy up after herself. However, I wouldn't interupt her music practice or be late to dance class for her to do this. I don't time table but will make the most of time available, so same result in the end. To me it is more about intent than action. If you insist on dc doing something or they need alot of motivating and you insist they have to get to a certain level then to me it is being pushy. If a dc is self motivated, enjoys the activity and is thriving, doing it for themself and not the parent imo theres no problem.
I think I was upset because my sister accused me of favouritism within my children and that is not true. I love them all the same whatever they decide to do and treat them all the same where support and encouragement are concerned.
It was the documentaries I saw that said tiger moms were on the increase in western world. Until I came on here I didn't know that school placements attracted so much of this, even though I knew it existed.

I expect my kids tidy up after themselves eg take their dinner plates to the sink, put dirty clothes into wash basket, put used cups into the dishwasher, put away ironed clothes and so on. But I don't expect them to dust and clean or do general household chores.

It would bother me if they were grown up children and still expected this but for the time being I enjoy looking after my kids.

It would bother me if they spent all their free time watching tv, Skype-ing mates or playing PC games but they don't. I mean, weekdays they have music lessons and practice sessions, after school activities and about 2 hours homework.

I would rather they focus on these things than helping us adults cut the grass, clean the car, mop the kitchen floor etc.

It's 'funny' how some people have a 'children should be children' approach to studying yet have a different view when it comes to children and household chores.

I just think that when children are little I do t want them doing household chores. I have gradually taught mine how to was up properly ..how to hang clothes in washing line, how to cook, how to blot spills put of a carpet etc but when they were really little they did nothing. They will spend a lot of their adult life doing this boring shit, as do the majority of us, so I wanted them to enjoy childhood without that necessity. But I don't think other people are wrong - just of different opinion

Drop -

I obviously don't have empirical data to prove my point but I suspect that the academically pushy parent is usually the one that keep chores away from their kids and that it is the 'let children enjoy their childhood' lot that believes that children should have more responsibilities when it comes to household chores.

So no, I don't think some of the posters are wrong. I just find it funny how some parents are keen to criticise tiger parents and then go on about how children mopping floors and doing menial chores builds character.

Well when I described myself as a 'helicopter patent' I was referring to my inability to not stand hovering over them on climbing frames etc
I had to housework as a child - a lot. I hated it and it has made me not want my children to do chores until they are older