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Extra-curricular activities

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Original poster

DS 9 and football. Need your point of views to help me decide

71 replies

strawberryjamlover · 26/03/2012 11:59

Hi all. DS 9 has been playing footbal for 4 years. The last 2 years he has been playing in a team.
2010-11 he went to trials and got picked by a very good team (under 9s) but he lost his confidence when playing with kids better than him and rarely played (maybe 7-10 mins). This was a huge waste of our time and petrol but we kept on going.
He then trialled for another team for this year as the coach told us that he wouldn't keep him on. He was fine with this as he wanted to leave as 'everyone else is better than me', despite pep talks along the lines of "keep going, you are good too" but still keeping it realistic, the others were better than him. BUT we feel he let his lack of confidence get in the way and that;s why his skills went down.
He got a place with a team for 2011-12 and it's been 50/50. The coach will keep him on BUT DS started to play badly again, not pressuring ball, not kicking hard enough so depsite 15 chances to score yesterday NO GOAL. My dad says it isn't up to just him to score and the others aren't necessarily better than him as team lose every game and everyone is same level.
My question is ... do we have a word with him and tell him that he should use his efforts elsewhere? He swims for a bridging squad and could put him time to use there. He plays guitar and is being entered for exam and teacher says his progression is fantastic.
Does he like it??? I've asked him and sometimes he says he does and others he says he doesn't. Arrgh ...feel as though we need to decide for him? Or do we carry on as we are for another year? Coach told us yesterady he is happy for everyone to carry on for another year.
With regard to confidence I'm not sure it does him any good to always be shouted at 'X why are you just watching?', 'X why didn't you pressure' etc.
He always leaves the pitch very flat but is quick to forget about it and never says that he doesn't want to go to football.
He is also in Scouts so he does socialise with others....please help me get some perspective on this. DH wants him to stop as he feels that he can play for school (he does) and use his time after school / weekend on other hobbies or just relaxing.
TIA xxxx

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 26/03/2012 13:07

Some other teams we have come across have been shocking. When ds1 was in the A league they had the most unbelievable opponents. One parent called one of our boys "a fucking c**t". We complained to the league. It was so sad. It's football fgs. Much prefer the D league - happy opponents and happy matches and therefore happy boys!

pigsinmud · 26/03/2012 13:09

Yes strawberryjamlover - get him out of there. I know these chaps give up their time to coach, but I'd rather they didn't bother if they don't enjoy it or are just frustrated footballers living through an U9 team.

There are some great teams - it's difficult trying to find the right mix of competition and fun.

Original poster
strawberryjamlover · 26/03/2012 13:15

thanks schilke. I will. I didn't realise how horrid it was until I started to post it here but many more comments have come into my head.
I wouldn't talk to kids in that tone / make those comments but when I mentioned it nce I was told to toughen up. Maybe they need to relax! It is menat to be fun and they are only kids.
I'll tell him that when we leave!

OP posts:
iseenodust · 26/03/2012 13:16

Football is and should be competitive but it is also a team sport and being committed and regularly turning up to training should count too.

Most coaches/dads need to recognise that more than 99% of kids playing will never do more than play in a Sunday league or 5 a-side at college. Chill !

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 13:16

I find it quite strange that anyone would encourage their children to play a competitive sport but be happy if they lose a game because at least everyone gets to play. That's not real life is it?
If I was promoted but was terrible at my job I don't think anyone would say "well as long as you turn up everyday and every one gets a go then that's fine"

I just don't understand why you would encourage your children to play a competitive sport but not want them to win.

The coaches and parents at our club may be what you call "shouty" but we are all passionate about the game and travel all over the county to watch all 3 of mine play.
The coaches do not get paid for their time and they put a lot of their own money, not to mention time and effort into the club and I find it really frustrating tbh to hear parents saying its not fair, and it's too much pressure etc.

Maybe then you are in the wrong sport?

Sorry for the long rant but I have been involved with our club for 6 years and I personally think everyone involved does an amazing job.

iseenodust · 26/03/2012 13:20

Not it's not exactly like real life in the workplace but then these are young kids and if you want to encourage a lifelong sporty/healthy lifestyle it has to be fun.

Maryz · 26/03/2012 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 13:27

U13 football is MORE important than life and death according to ds1 Grin

Original poster
strawberryjamlover · 26/03/2012 13:29

I am going to ask him to be honest and tell me how he feels about football / coach.
If he wants to play but doesn't like being shouted at then perhaps I can talk to coach and say he needs more encouraging.
If he looks not bothered then I'll tell him to play for school and look at golf / basketball/ another sport.
I think because he does well at music / school / swim he isn't used to being shouted at so this demotivates him?
Is that right? Or does he truly believe he isn't as good as others (which isn't right as they are all same ability otherwise team woudl win even if he is not as good). I think it will comedown to confidence and if football isn't helping boost this then I will make the decision to stop. He needs to be more confident outside the family home not 'head down' 'i'm rubbish' as this isn't helping him at all

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 26/03/2012 13:37

What about rugby? DS is not old enough yet, but from conversations I have had with mums with older boys (and girls), rugby seems to have a nicer vibe and be more inclusive. It seems to be more a family thing too.

If you're worried about the physicality, then I think at his age, they would have started contact (i.e. tackling) but probably with an uncontested scrum.

Original poster
strawberryjamlover · 26/03/2012 13:40

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief - i think he has played rugby in school. Thanks - another suggestion to put to him.

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 26/03/2012 13:43

Re the competitive thing, yes the team wants to win, blah blah, and some children thrive under the pressure and some don't and just want to have fun.

Most adult sports clubs have a number of teams for exactly this reason- my sister for example plays netball in a team whose motto is "no training. no practicing" They play in a really low league - "the mum's league" as it's known, but they all have great fun and get fit and have a few vinos afterwards

So no, I wouldnt say that everyone acting like they're destined to be the next Frank Lampard is "real life"

seeker · 26/03/2012 13:47

Tantrums- of course they want to win! Did you read the post where I said that ds's non shouted at, inclusive team is now more than 30 points clear at the top of the league having played 17 games unbeaten this season?

pigsinmud · 26/03/2012 13:48

tantrumsandballoons - my boys teams are competitive. They have A & B teams and therefore there is selection. However no-one has been turned away for not being good enough. I have also praised the coaches for giving up their time, but it can't be much fun for the coaches if they're standing on the sidelines hurling insults at various players.

The coaches my boys have now are fantastic - no shouting, apart from encouragement. The teams perform much better. As I have said ds1 used to play in the A league - awful games, too competitive for it's own good. Changed clubs and now in D league - still competitive as the teams want to be promoted to C league etc.., but it is much more fun. Parents are so much more relaxed. Ds1 looks so happy.

strawberryjamlover - I think my ds2 sounds like yours! Other things come easy to him, but he had to work at football. The biggest moment of his life happened the other day ...he was picked for the school football team - I told him that his dedication of going to all the training sessions had paid off. There are a lot of strong players at his school and ds2 had said he'd never be picked.

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 13:52

I was referring to competition in general not "acting like frank lampard" being real life.

Competition exists in life, some people choose to go through a selective school process, at aged 7 or 11, which is a highly competitive process because their children have the ability, we don't suggest everyone that applies gets a place because they are too young to see how good they are.

seeker · 26/03/2012 13:59

That really a very very silly analogy! And, as I said, our inclusive team is beating everyone hollow this season. They have learned how to play as a team, they have learned not to rely on goal hanging, they have learned that if you're in defence, you'd better bloody defend because you can't rely on a a specially hand picked nurtured goal keeper. They've learned that playing football is fun. They've learned how to deal with being beaten with grace. They have learned never to give up. And they had absolutely mo trouble playing the off side rule as soon as they were expected to, because they were used to playing as a team. Because it was no training=no play, they train a lot and are very fit, so they have more stamina than the teams that depend on set pieces and star players.

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 14:03

Why is it a silly analogy?

Why is ok to be competitive and select children as young as 7 based on their academic ability but when it comes to sporting ability, everyone has to be picked for a team, and whether they are good enough is irrelevant?

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 14:06

And by the way, our team does not depend on star players or set pieces, there aren't any star players, just a first team which has players of an equal ability who are dedicated to the game, train twice a week because they WANT to, not because they would otherwise be dropped. We have optional training on Saturday which they all go to because they love it.

seeker · 26/03/2012 14:09

Why are you ignoring me saying that the inclusive model works? Because it doesn't fit your mindset?

You may find that there are a lot of questions bout the efficacy of selection qt 7 on academic ability too!

PeppaIsBack · 26/03/2012 14:11

tantrums yes you are right but then we are talking abut football there. Just a sport where 22 players are running around after a ball.
For most (if not all!) the children we are talking about here, football will be a leasure activity, not their professional lifes. They don't need to be so competitive.
What they need is an activity where they will gain in self confidence, one where they actually move around, run, jump (which isn't happening if they are on the pitch only for 5mins). One where they will have the opportunity to develop skills that will help them later on such as working as a team, putting some effort in, facing difficulties (because it doesn't come naturally to them) and manage to get to the other side.
None of that is going to happen in that sort of environment.

Of course, if you have a child who finds it easy, loves the sport and gain a lot in a very competitive environment, then that might the right choice. But for how many children is the right choice though? Except of course that having a child who is the 'best' or part of the winning team can be ego boosting for the parent

MissKeithLemon · 26/03/2012 14:13

Because Tantrumsandballoons as I understood it the OP's DS is still very young. They should be encouraged to take part in sport for a whole host of reasons and not just to win! Thats why in many proper other sports teams for youngsters there are active all-inclusive policies. Sure, its great when the U10's get a win, but its equally important that more U10's are encouraged to take up playing to start with. Being in a team can build confidence, agility & ability (in the chosen sport) without winning at all - although all of the above will help lead to wins in future iyswim?!

PeppaIsBack · 26/03/2012 14:13

BTW, no one has ever said that selecting children at 7yo for their academic ability is a good idea. Based on that, Einstein (who didn't speak until he was 3yo) would probably never have managed it....

MissKeithLemon · 26/03/2012 14:14

X-post with peppa who has put it much better than I!

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 14:15

If it works for your team thats a good thing, they are obviously benefiting from the way your team is run.

But so are all the teams at our non inclusive club who thrive on the non inclusive ethos.

seeker · 26/03/2012 14:16

Not the kids who don't get picked! I think it's important to look at the broader picture. Both in terms of the children's development and in terms of the future of sport.

But if winning's your thing........

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