i just prefer lighter weights....

[Soannoyingititchessobad]

i'm an 'experienced' gym-goer. I'm 46 and been using a gym pretty much my whole life since I was about 19, so I'm no stranger to exercise. I've lifted weights much of this time.

Everywhere I look all i here is 'lift heavy, lift heavy' and pretty much saying that unless you're not lifting heavy and progressively over-loading there's no point lifting, particularly for peri-meno women, which I am.

But when I lift weights that are heavy i.e. challenging for me, I just end up feeling crap and can't recruit the muscles I need to, or I can't maintain my core. It just doesn't feel good (I'm only talking 35kg on the squat rack so it's not OTT)

Today I went to the gym and used 2x8kg kettle bells to do some front squats and felt brilliant. Like I was working my legs but also felt i was really in control of my core. However, I don't get the same leg-failure as I do when I do 35kg squats because my legs are pretty strong but my core can't keep up.

Don't even know what I'm asking for really - permission not to lift so heavy?? success stories from women who haven't lifted heavy but maintained or built muscle? People who feel similar and are more confident to make the choice and just be happy with it (unlike me, always questioning myself)

Lifting heavier will challenge your core, it is why weight lifters wear belts.

I think you should do whatever you enjoy.
However if you do want to keep trying to lift heavier maybe go in more incremental steps. If you feel better doing front squats maybe use the barbell and then get used to that technique so you can later load further.

It may be that your core is strong enough but perhaps you need to learn how to brace for heavy lifts? Personally I find it different to Pilates where your core has to engage. Obviously it will engage when you lift but it's easy to let your spine take some of the load. I found that until my body got used to doing it I needed to reset myself and consciously brace before each rep. That being said I do agree with others that sometimes great technique doesn't always mean that's a good choice of exercise for you. Age + anatomy means that I don't deadlift super heavy as the risk for the reward is not worth it for me.

Perhaps try loading up the leg press if there's one available to you and take core out of the equation and see how you feel with that before deciding whether to move on to technical lifts?

A bit rambling sorry!

I agree OP and still push myself/build up over time with BP etc but lifting heavy doesn’t appeal

I've switched to lifting lighter and more reps as I was getting recurrent haemorrhoids and anal fissures from lifting heavy, even under the careful eye of a PT. I was lifting way under what my body could handle and I was still having issues so for the last couple of months I've stuck to home lifting with lighter weights (10/20kg vs the 50kg I was lifting in the gym) and I'm still feeling the aching in the muscles but haven't injured myself. You just have to do what suits you and listen to your own body.

Absolutely good point @Fibrous and also relevsnt for those who may have had assisted deliveries when younger. Mine is coming back to haunt me now, and feel I it most with heavier weights, despite taking good care.

I have restarted Body Pump and am really enjoying it, my arms and legs feel heavy the next day so I assume it’s doing something. I desperately want to avoid getting osteoporosis- DM has it and it’s a horrible disease. I assume even though it’s lighter weights it’s still good for prevention of osteoporosis.
I have to be careful with heavier weights as I have a bit of a neck and shoulder issue that can be aggravated if I up the ante too much.

I agree
It is much easier and feels safer to go to failure on a machine for some exercises than it is with free weights.

My understanding is that the heavier lifting is needed to maintain (not just build), with age, due to physiological changes ie greater stimulus required for same muscle responses. Maybe try to progress very slowly. Have you listed to dr Stacey simms?

Train easy. I have loads of muscle, rarely/never ever train to failure. So long as it's some sort of progresssive overload, it's fine.