Encouraging my mam to exercise or being patronising?

[Irishfarmer]

I very worried about my mams physical health. She has never been sporty/ very fit but at 55 she is struggling to walk, she shuffles, hunches, walks very slow. My 70 yr old MIL is a lot fitter, my 75 yr old FIL is 10x fitter than both of them!

I am seriously worried in 10 years she will be in a mobility scooter or something. She has always been over weight, very much so in her 40s but has lost a good few stone and while still over weight she is down to a size 18. Her sisters are a similar size but much fitter.

I am expecting my 1st child this summer she says I can't wait to play with him like my sis does with her GS but she just will not be able to keep up.

She says she goes walking in the evening and that she will join the swimming pool but she doesn't. I stayed with her over the weekend. I wanted to go to the shop, I've just check google maps it is 77m from her house, she offered to drive me!!! That is not the first time she has offered to drive me such a short distance.

I am genuinely really worried about her fitness levels. When she is up visiting me I say I need to take the dog for a walk and she comes. We are very slow and that is fine but how can I encourage her without patronising her?

Any idea welcome? Or should I just drop it? She is a grown woman

I think you can only encourage her but ultimately it is up to her. Maybe your having a baby will encourage her. Does she socialise much? In my area there are weekly walk for health groups which do walks at various levels and end up with a coffee. Sometimes we can all get stuck in a rut.

May I say it is nice to see a considerate post. So many threads relating to older people are infantilising and sometimes downright nasty.

@JuliaDomna nothing like that, that I know of. But two of her sisters live in town as well that she could go walking with, she has said it before but nothing ever came of it. I live 2.5 hours away or I'd go for walks with her.

I was half thinking of buying her some sessions with a personal trainer. A girl I went to school with seems to be doing great things and lives in my home town where my mam lives. But I don't want to seem rude/ pushy or worse hurt her feeling.

Like she will complain of joint pain/ stiffness and take a vitamin to fix it but it is clearly lack of any substantial sort of movement. I'm no fitness fanatic myself but before pregnancy I did spinning and tried to get out and about for a walk daily since I sit at a desk for work (unless I am helping on the farm!).

I don't expect her to be running marathons. It's not that I think she needs to be slimmer/ look different. I am genuinely very worried if she doesn't sort this in her 50s she will find it very hard in her 60s to turn the tide.

Menopause has well passed with her so that isn't a factor.

Could you get your mum a fitness tracker so she could track the amount of steps she does, may encourage her to increase her walks.

oh dear, I'm 54, but not unfit thank goodness.

What do her friends do? I have a hunch she'd like aquarobics or a fitness class (yoga even) if she had friends to go with : make it social that happens to be fitness. You may want to scale back expectations about what is "activity" : does she do any volunteering, for instance? Even something like making tea & coffee for a local parent+toddler group would be more activity than you're describing.

If she'll help walk your dog, would she consider walking someone else's dog (Cinnamon Trust volunteering)?

I can't see her going from current condition to enjoying a PT or fitness tracker.

"May I say it is nice to see a considerate post. So many threads relating to older people are infantilising and sometimes downright nasty." She's 55!! I'm 53 - you've made me feel suddenly very old 😂

I think this is one of those situations where for your own conscience you could have one conversation about it and then let the matter drop. I don't see why she wouldn't benefit from a fitness trainer if you can afford it and find someone who is a good fit.

It really depends what her goals are, though. Does it bother her if her mobility deteriorates?

@StrongTea I think I might get her a watch that counts her steps.

@erinaceus she moans on about it a lot. She is also moaning that she has gained a stone and needs to lose it. She's gone back up one dress size. We went shopping last weekend that's how I know and she complained about it and says she wants to do something. She is a bit of a sort that will let a bad situation/ bad habit/ bad anything which has a clear 'this will not end well' sign go on until it gets the point where it has not ended well!! When it gets to disaster point she will say 'I should I done something about that sooner eh'. Be it in relationships/ jobs/ her weight/ her drinking, enormous flags are there and she just blindly ignores them until she can't anymore. My worry is that this one can't just be ignored until it is an enormous problem. But I am aware we are very different people and I really want to encourage her without backing her into a corner and getting blocked out.

@FabFitFifties my SIL is 50, I don't think it is old and she is very fit.

I wasn't quoting you, or commenting on your post OP. You are right to be concerned about your mum's future. I'm motivated by a step counter, but different strokes for different folks. Could you have a confidential word with your aunts and enlist them in suggesting social walks or swims? Even if it ends with coffee and cake, it's at least getting her moving. As she has lost a lot of weight in the past, she can obviously motivate herself when she wants to - hopefully her grandchild will indeed be the motivation she needs. Does she work OP?

@FabFitFifties sorry, I didn't think you were I just wanted to point out I don't think 50s is old. She didn't lose the weight through had work. She got seriously ill and lost the weight. Thankfully she is 100% now, hence the weight is creeping back. Ya I'll talk to one of my aunts about them going for walks over the summer, aunt could phase it as she wants someone.

Like I just think if she could get herself motivated to be some what active it would really help her. She works full time and is very good at what she does, she's well respected in her field.

I think I'll get her the watch. Encourage her to join the swimming pool, I know she enjoys that and we all know exercise is easier when we enjoy it. The watch helps me too, I WFH and I'm 33 weeks pregnant but when I see my steps are miserably low I go for a walk, It also vibrates at me if I have sat at my desk for a full hour.

I want her to be able to say can I take DGS to the park/ zoo/ beach and her to be able to enjoy him. And I really do not want her to not be able to enjoy her retirement because she has become immobile. FIL is 75 and is flying it (farmers are a different breed tho!!)

and thanks everyone, it's good to get my worries/ anxieties about this down so that when I do talk to her it will be in a relaxed sort of way. Not OMG YOU WILL BE IMMOBILE! no need to be that dramatic 😂

ii I'll o

My mother turned into an old lady overnight at about age 50. Like OP, I felt like it was an identity she embraced rather than shrugged off. I couldn't understand why. And yes she died relatively young from (probably) avoidable causes.

Make the time you have with her good quality, OP. You can do that even if you can't keep her on the healthiest path.

Is it menopause?

I don't think encouraging her to exercise will help if she's very overweight. It could be dangerous

do you like close enough to go out for a walk with her fairly regularly, or meet her for a swim? It’s easier to become more active once you’re already doing a bit, and meeting someone else really can help with that.

I don't think encouraging her to exercise will help if she's very overweight. It could be dangerous

I don’t think anyone is suggesting she suddenly starts marathon running. Getting generally more active is a great idea for pretty much everybody.

It'll be menopause. I'm 54 and it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I take hrt but am knackered, saggy, dodgy of knee and back, achy, grumpy and stiff. Gentle encouragement might help eg you could try finding a variety of activities that might suit her (hiring electric bikes, local classes) but if she's suffering, she just might not be up for it.

It's a difficult one OP. I'm the same age as your mum, I most certainly could be a bit fitter, and like your mum I am often making plans for future exercise programmes that never come into fruition . I do think though that motivation will need to come from your mum . You can keep on being encouraging, and hopefully her grandchild will be the motivation she needs - but ultimately it needs to come from her.

@MyrtleCags I don't know a whole lot about menopause, I only recently enough found out there is such a thing as peri menopausal!! But she had a full hysterectomy (whole lot) about 10 years ago now. She said that brought on the menopause so I am fairly certain she has been through it. Can you go through it again when you're at the age your body should have naturally have gone through it?

No I don't think she will be going out running the marathon!! I just worry that is she keeps going as she is she will find any walking very difficult much earlier than she should. Just to be able to say in five years time ' I want to take DGS to the zoo for the day' and be able for the gentle walking around there. Not climbing a mountain.

I live too far (about 2.5 hr drive) to go on walks with her or else I would. I talked to her about borrowing my steps watch which she is going to take this weekend. Also she said she is serious about joining the pool which would be great.

It's not a thing you go through and once it's finished, happy days. The loss of oestrogen wreaks havoc on your body and unless you take hrt (and get the dosage right) this is ongoing. Symptoms like joint & muscle pain, depression, anxiety, vaginal atrophy, brain fog, crushing fatigue and many, many more. Its a joy I can tell you....

A fitness watch might be a good thing. I've got a xiaomi 6 - cheap and works brilliantly syncing with my phone. Walking several times a week with a friend who is in a similar position really helps my mental and physical health but my symptoms are so severe I'll never be who I was before.

It’s hard to motivate yourself sometimes. I’m older than your mum and am very conscious of not getting immobile etc as I get older. Doing something about it however is a different matter!

I think a step counter Watch is a good idea. Is yours a Fitbit? You can add friends and maybe encourage each other.

dr Rangan Chatergee has a book - Feel Great Lose Weight and it’s about making small changes that add up. So doing some exercises while the kettle boils etc. Not feeling like you have to go straight into a full hour of exercise. Not sure if that would appeal to her?

My friends changed their outlook on fitness and diet after using Noom, not sure how to encourage her to follow advice on it but there's 1 month free and perhaps worth suggesting at some point?

If you're thinking of getting her a fitness watch, a waterproof one might be a good idea. Swimming or aquarobics sound just the job to start getting her more mobile again.

Personally, as a fairly for 61yo I find regular decent length walks (brisk if flat, a bit slower if hilly) good, but that does take quite a chunk of time. I'm also a huge fan of Pilates for flexibility, a bit of strength and balance. A good teacher will work with clients to adapt the exercises to what works for their body. Since lockdown I've been doing two 30 min classes per week by zoom, so it's very time-efficient.

Oh @PurpleDaisies

Weird you twisted what I said.... how odd

I haven’t twisted what you said. I disagreed with you. That happens on discussion forums.

It's probably a sight more dangerous for a 55 yo with no health problems (as far as we know) other than being overweight (size 18 doesn't sound that extreme) to continue to not exercise vs being encouraged and supported to do appropriate, gentle exercise such as swimming, walking, various types of class.