From the FT 
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To the undoubted relief of everyone concerned, David Davis, the Brexit secretary, announced on Monday that the UK was not seeking a dystopian “Mad Max-style” Brexit. At one level this is a shame because the cars in that movie are well cool. Kudos, though, to Mr Davis, who was of course trying to mock the fears of Brexit’s opponents, for an A-grade effort in expectation management. However bad it may be, Brits can rest easy that Brexit will not be a post-apocalyptic dystopia characterised by societal collapse, murder and Jacob Rees-Mogg and his gang terrorising the roads in pinstriped suits and Bentleys.
Then again, there was a disturbing specificity to Mr Davis’s point. He did not rule out all dystopian visions. Only Mad Max. While murderous biker-gangs form no part of the Brexit planning, this column understands that several other movie dystopias remain on the table. Indeed, the 62 Conservative MPs in Mr Rees-Mogg’s European Research Group are said to be urging the prime minister to hang tough on the “dystopia red lines” they consider to be part and parcel of a hard Brexit. The Financial Times has seen a secret memo listing the options:
Hunger Games Brexit The version championed by both the so-called soft-Brexiters and Remainers seeking to minimise economic disruption. Under this plan, 24 children from Remain enclaves are chosen by ballot and offered each year as tributes to the European Commission in return for continued British access to the single market. The 24 are then forced to stalk each other through the Berlaymont building until there is just one survivor, who will then be offered a deputy chef de cabinet role. The UK government is pushing for a chess tournament instead of murder, but it is understood that the French and a number of MEPs are insisting on full human sacrifice, so that all nations understand the true cost of Brexit.
Fahrenheit 451 Brexit In this Brexit, the fire service no longer exists to put out fires, but to burn books and reports issued by the Bank of England, the Treasury and any other economic experts. The populace now relies solely on TV for entertainment. The most popular daily show is Good Morning Britain with Rod Liddle and Katie Hopkins. Remainers are forced to live as outcasts in the countryside, where they spend their time busily learning economic reports by heart so that they can still keep quoting them decades after Brexit has happened.
Blade Runner Brexit A dark vision of Britain’s future in which everyone is forced to eat from roadside food stalls stocked with chlorinated chicken imported under a groundbreaking trade deal negotiated with the US. Teams of armed cops are recruited to hunt down replicants — European citizens who look just like normal human beings and who were brought in to work undesirable jobs in off-world colonies such as fruit-picking farms. But they fled those roles and are now hiding out in Pret A Manger. It is always raining.
Terminator Brexit Perhaps the most ambitious of all Brexits. This sees a robotic terminator sent back from the future to the year 1972 to murder Sir Edward Heath before he can sign the Treaty of Accession. The terminator, a well dressed Brit with a cut-glass accent, has memorable catchphrases such as “You can count upon my expeditious return” and “Cheerio, baby”. His success means the UK never actually joined the EU and so angry Remainers never existed. A sequel will see future rebels send back their own terminator in the shape of Nick Clegg to foment a pro-European movement which will seek to join the EU some time after Serbia.
RoboCop Brexit The promised frictionless technological solution for policing the Irish border. RoboCops are deployed in border towns such as Derry and Culmore and are able to scan all vehicles for illicit consignments. This plan is currently on hold as Sinn Fein insists all RoboCops speak Gaelic while the Democratic Unionists are demanding they also be fluent in Ulster Scots.
The Matrix Brexit UK citizens are implanted with devices which make them believe everything is normal and that life is good. Several prominent Leavers have already plugged in and they say it is great.
Real life Brexit The country is committed to leaving the EU in 12 months but, after a year of arguing, the cabinet seems unable to agree even a basic framework for how it will work. Some consider this the most dystopian vision of all.