To not know how to accept what's happening?

[PeachStone]

Yes this is a post about the EU referendum but I don't want to discuss the rights and wrongs of the decision or why people voted as they did. This is about how I'm feeling and wondering if anyone else is in the same position.

First of all, I voted to remain. I've long been interested in politics and hold very strong socialist views. Im accustomed to disappointment in the outcome of elections, the Tories getting in twice was obviously upsetting and worrying to me and has been an ongoing concern with the way I feel they have treated us with austerity and cuts. But there was always the hope that a new government would be elected, one that would reverse the damage and serve the people properly, if we could just ride the storm. This feels different.

When I woke to the news that Brexit had scraped through, I can only describe my response as devastated, shocked and worried. I'd read a lot of material from both sides of the argument, Brexit, Lexit, Remain. I decided on several different points that it would be better to stay in the EU for now, get behind a movement to reform it, but however things panned out, it was too dangerous to leave now with a right wing government in place and a leave campaign backed by extreme right factions. I listened to the economic forecasts if we were to leave. I believed, still do, the many experts and institutions that lay out the economic fate in a case of Brexit.

Right now, this feels huge. I genuinely feel that the course of the future has been changed, that this is just the start and we are headed for economic ruin, civil war and potentially a world war. I know some people will be reading this and thinking I am catastrophising, have bought into the 'scaremongering' of remain, I'm ill informed etc. but whatever the reason for feeling like this, it is absolutely what I feel. And I am terrified. I genuinely do not know how to accept what is happening. I don't know how to carry on as normal when I feel like I've woken up in a different country. This has changed everything. I can liken it to a form of grief but a kind that I've not experienced before. But it's there in the pit of my stomach, fear, sadness, despair, anger. Without any idea how to move past it.

I'm not angry with the people who voted leave, I know that, like me, they voted in the best interests of the country. I am disappointed though, that many placed economic uncertainty over concerns about immigration when research suggests that at worst their burden is neutral and at best they are huge contributors to our economy and society. Every single person I spoke to that was voting leave cited immigration as their main reason although I know people voted leave for a variety of reasons. I reserve my anger for the politicians who called this referendum. I think it was too complex an issue for us to decide as a people. They don't consult us on other major issues such as taking our country to war. Why this? Why now? I feel like we've been sacrificed for the political aspirations of those hell bent on screwing us over.

I'm finding myself wanting to spend all my time on social media, clinging desperately to my fellow remainers, trying to make sense of it, understand it, prepare, hope against hope that this isn't really happening. But then you get called a cry-baby, sore loser. Or that you're unpatriotic for not being happy about this and believing that Britain can flourish alone. Told to accept it, move on. I don't know how to do that when I think that this will be the moment that historians pinpoint as the unraveling of this country, the moment the world irrevocably changed for ever. I feel like I'm watching it happening with the rise of xenophobic attacks. I'm watching and feel powerless to do anything.

It's not something you can talk about though. How do you admit that you're so frightened that you are regularly in tears? My family have heard enough, my Facebook friends have probably hidden me. I can't go to my doctor and say, 'I'm depressed because of the referendum result. It's playing havoc with my anxiety. Is there counselling available for Brexit?'.

How do you move on?

[fusionconfusion]

"Save I think it depends a lot of what is yur position.
As an EEA national, I know that I will loose my right to stay indefinitely the way I had when Britain was in the EU."

And this is true for me too. I trained in the NHS, I worked there for ten years, my three children have British passports, my professional registration is UK based and the postgraduate study I am doing is based in the UK.. and yet there may be no right to return. Most of my best friends are there. The idea of restricted movement is just nuts (though I'm not banking it will happen, to be honest... just unsure). Who knows, it may have implications for the NI peace process too... though again I hope not. It's all a bit flabberghasting.

It probably feels very different if you don't generally have much more to do with Europe than moving between countries on holiday.

Though really my fears are less for Britain and more to do with the broader global impact pointed to by Will Penn.

[LuckyBitches]

OP - this has been an exhausting few days but I just want to say that your post could have been written by me, or many of my friends. We all think this is a frightening time.

To the people who snidely suggested the OP go to her GP. Shame on you. I suffer from anxiety but that doesn't mean I'm out of touch.

[WillPenn]

Aquamarine that thought process is all very well but it seems to end up with having to accept people's racism, which we cannot do.

The question is - how can we engage people who voted to leave in a way that is constructive? I don't know the answer but we have to find one! I realize that telling the leavers that they are stupid racists will get us nowhere - but accepting their right to be stupid racists is not ok either!

[CheesyWeez]

Grief is a reaction to any kind of loss, such as the loss of an object, a relationship, an identity, a limb...I wasn't comparing my emotion to the loss of an actual loved one or family member, and I did not mean to disgust.
We are all affected by different things in different ways and some people are feeling this issue very keenly was all I meant to say. Those affected will be working through the same stages of shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With a marriage breakup and with a lost loved one the process took months and years. With this I'm already at the bargaining stage. ;-) The UK will find its way.

[WillPenn]

By the way, I should add that I don't believe that ALL people who voted leave are stupid racists - that would be exactly the kind of over-simplification that is not useful right now.

[megletthesecond]

Yanbu. This is way more than being on the losing side in a general election. It is worrying.

[CheesyWeez]

I cross-posted, thank you aquamarine2.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Bloody hell, I've only got through the first half page of replies and some people are bloody nasty.

I understand how you feel, OP. I voted remain for he exact same reasons and was floored by the result. My big fear isn't on the scale of yours, but given the snippets of some pretty unpleasant conversations I've overheard on my travels, today, I think we're in danger of having a lot of civil unrest, this summer and of people getting hurt in the name of hate.

You need to find a way of putting the emotional beast back in its box. Obviously not burying your head in the sand, but find ways of helping yourself to feel good in other ways. Glastonbury couldn't have been on a better weekend. I've enjoyed that, immensely. Today, I've just been busy.

Be kind to yourself.

[PeachStone]

Thank you everyone who has posted, it's really helping to be able to talk about it here with people who understand .

MN keeps crashing for me so the thread has run away without me being able to post but here are some thoughts.

I am also of Jewish descent. My great grandparents came here during WWII. I also have a mixed race child and mixed race nephews. Many of my friends and colleagues are from Europe. So what is happening now feels very close to home. I feel so much for anyone from Europe who is living here. I have signed the petition calling for the government/next government to protect EU citizens' status.

I'm going about my daily life too, so I am getting on with it, but still, my heart is heavy and there's a churning in my stomach constantly. I'm obviously taking longer to come to a place of acceptance than most.

I haven't blamed anyone even though friends/family have voted leave. I've been very respectful of other people's reasons/views whilst still standing by my viewpoint. I've signed all the petitions, will write to my MP. I'm doing everything I can at the moment and will do more as the weeks/months march on, but still, I just want to stop feeling so bereft.

I apologise if anyone was offended by my use of the word 'grief'. I have lost loved ones and whilst it's not the same kind of grief, it does feel similar in some ways. It's probably more akin to the grief I felt at my marriage ending as there was a large portion of fear that went along with it.

I said in the op that I don't believe the EU to be perfect, I certainly don't agree with the neo-liberal style of government. I just feel like it was the wrong time. I'm on the breadline as it is, facing unemployment. I don't know how I'll cope if we get another deep recession.

[RaskolnikovsGarret]

I feel like you OP, and so do many people I speak to at work. We are all working hard, getting on with our jobs, but there is an underlying worry, loss of security and yes, sadness about it all.

And the Nazi thing is not catastrophising - I'm surprised people can't see why others are nervous about this. When Trump, Farage and le Pen are celebrating, that is cause for concern.

But fingers crossed it won't be as bad as that, and good will triumph (I admit it, that's a bit dramatic).

And my DH has suffered an almost unbelievable amount of bereavement and suffering in his life, and he is as bothered as I am. So it's not only delicate flowers who are bothered by this.

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

I sympathise with your last paragraph OP but you surely can see that's a personal worry and therefore one with little to do with socialism.

[BabyGanoush]

Peachstone, I know what you mean.

I wandered around in a mild state of shock for a day, not exaggerating!

...and then was sad for a day,

then a angry, confused, worried

AM now calm and thinking; It will all work out, for Britain, for Europe and for me (immigrant! I could not vote). Somehow it'll be fine

An emotional roller-coaster! which I was not expecting, as I am not a very emotional person. I imagine a more sensitive person might feel more upset by it all.

It's weird, but I found great comfort in listing to radio 4, where everyone has been very pragmatic and explaining what will happen next.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

I am anxious and I think it is reasonable to be, dh's job is very much threatened by this, I'm seeing a sharp rise in xenophobic abuse reported in the news - most of my dds friends have non-english backgrounds, I have family who live abroad who are worried about the repercussions. I volunteer with vulnerable people who have been badly hit by economics already, a recession means their remaining life lines are under threat.
It is having a direct affect on people I know. I think anxiety is a reasonable reaction.

[LastFirstEverything]

YANBU OP

Shame on the poster who gave you a biscuit. How thoughtless, lacking in compassion, well, lacking in every way really.

Some interesting and excellent responses on this thread. Some have echoed how I feel, so I won't go on too much.

BUT my DH feels very similar to you OP. I've never seen him like it before. All those who say that this is because he's never had anything to worry about until now are sadly very mistaken, and you need to evolve your thinking a bit if you can't believe that people who've been through bereavements etc, can't be affected by this.

He (and I) have suffered many very close bereavements and very serious, life changing illness. He's also experienced life as a citizen in a third world country in times of political unrest and near civil war. This is probably why he feels very concerned about the future. partly because of all he has been through.

I feel great trepidation too; I have Jewish ancestry and keep thinking of how various relatives felt in Europe in 1933. I won't go on, people will scream 'Godwin's Law' and accuse me of hysteria. But I am still thinking this. And my German friend I spoke to over the weekend brought up the same concern.

People who are massively offended at other people being anxious about political change depress me. I wish everyone in the world would be more bloody empathetic and just a bit more kind.

[Capricorn76]

You can try and take some control of the situation that may make you feel a bit better e.g learn an additional language to make you more employable abroad.

[Capricorn76]

By the way OP YANBU. Many sensible people are very worried because they know that recessions don't start immediately. Boris stating that project fear was over is a disgrace. He knows full well that if the likes of Barclays and RBS lose 30% share today as they have done that they are not going to immediately sack 30% of staff.

[InShockReally]

I'm with you OP.

Somewhere between denial and activism and depression and anxiety - and I'd feel a fuck of a lot better if someone in charge seemed to know what they were doing.

But ... Keep taking it one minute at a time. Keep breathing, keep going - this is the new normal and we'll adapt.

Have a drink - cup of tea with some added sugar if possible - deep breathing, and if possible some walks outside and thinking about what we still have to hold on to and be grateful for can help.

We're damn resilient as a species, and although I'm terrified and saddened, we ARE going to get through this and the challenges it brings. We have to

[PeachStone]

katemiddleton, yes that sentence was about how this will affect me personally but I am just as worried about other people, particularly those in similar situations as me, and even more so for the rest of the world. I'm not sure why people are questioning my socialist values.

[Capricorn76]

On the plus side it may make the English more used to migrating on large scales for work, learn new languages etc. Many others such as the Irish are used to moving for work and are quite hardy as a result.

[GarlicStake]

Peach, I share your dismay and - it is grief, yes. Also discomfort, as we are barely being governed at the moment and there isn't a plan.

I haven't read all the replies as I'm having to avoid these discussions for the most part. I'm a bit pissed off by those saying "it's your anxiety" - anyone who doesn't feel anxious about the future right now has failed to grasp the reality!

I have MH conditions, too. They are very well managed. Part of my management includes limiting my exposure to overbearing twunts who presume to tell me what I'm allowed to feel.

So I'm hiding your thread. Just wanted to send you a shoulder-squeeze, while we think quietly about how best to contribute going forward (when we eventually start moving.)

[PlymouthMaid1]

Mumsnet seems to be have the most griefsticken, anxious posters of the three forums I read. Possibly linked to being mainly Mothers as I know that I became more worried about events when my kids were tiny. Wait and see what transpires as worrying about all the possible disasters will drive you crazy. If it is something you cannot do anything about then stop thinking about it.

[GarlicStake]

But, Plymouth, politics is not 'something we can't do anything about'. That's for natural disasters, illness and so on.

[nobeer]

Peach I feel the same way too. DJ is from another EU country, DD was born there and I haven't got round to getting her a British passport yet, and the city we live in in the UK is really going to be affected with mass redundancies. Oh, and I am suffering with anxiety too and this has blown all my other worries away

Allegra your post is great and full of sensible advice.

[Pettywoman]

I hope to god you're wrong Peach but I must admit to sharing your sentiments. I'm so disappointed at the xenophobia shown during this campaign, that's not the country I identity with. I worry about the potential breakup of the E U and the rise of far right groups in Europe.

I'm just so angry that this was allowed to happen. It's obvious Boris didn't have a plan for if he won. He's walking about looking like his Mum's just died not basking in the glory of victory. This is an absolute uber fuck up.

[revealall]

I think it's a brilliant opportunity for a well needed restart in domestic politics.

Every election there is a fear of UKIP. No more because we don't need them now we're out. Immigration will be properly addressed by all the parties because they'll have to tell us what they plan now the EU isn't telling us.

Every election there's moaning about the Conservatives not looking after public services but now they will have to state clearly how to protect them in the face of the change. There's moaning about Labour being out of touch and increasingly Tory lite. Now they have a change to put a new face and agenda on the table.
The smaller parties have an excellent chance to put forward new policies and pledges rather than arguing against the big two.
To mean it finally means honestly addressing the strengths and weaknesses of the Uk.