To not know how to accept what's happening?

[PeachStone]

Yes this is a post about the EU referendum but I don't want to discuss the rights and wrongs of the decision or why people voted as they did. This is about how I'm feeling and wondering if anyone else is in the same position.

First of all, I voted to remain. I've long been interested in politics and hold very strong socialist views. Im accustomed to disappointment in the outcome of elections, the Tories getting in twice was obviously upsetting and worrying to me and has been an ongoing concern with the way I feel they have treated us with austerity and cuts. But there was always the hope that a new government would be elected, one that would reverse the damage and serve the people properly, if we could just ride the storm. This feels different.

When I woke to the news that Brexit had scraped through, I can only describe my response as devastated, shocked and worried. I'd read a lot of material from both sides of the argument, Brexit, Lexit, Remain. I decided on several different points that it would be better to stay in the EU for now, get behind a movement to reform it, but however things panned out, it was too dangerous to leave now with a right wing government in place and a leave campaign backed by extreme right factions. I listened to the economic forecasts if we were to leave. I believed, still do, the many experts and institutions that lay out the economic fate in a case of Brexit.

Right now, this feels huge. I genuinely feel that the course of the future has been changed, that this is just the start and we are headed for economic ruin, civil war and potentially a world war. I know some people will be reading this and thinking I am catastrophising, have bought into the 'scaremongering' of remain, I'm ill informed etc. but whatever the reason for feeling like this, it is absolutely what I feel. And I am terrified. I genuinely do not know how to accept what is happening. I don't know how to carry on as normal when I feel like I've woken up in a different country. This has changed everything. I can liken it to a form of grief but a kind that I've not experienced before. But it's there in the pit of my stomach, fear, sadness, despair, anger. Without any idea how to move past it.

I'm not angry with the people who voted leave, I know that, like me, they voted in the best interests of the country. I am disappointed though, that many placed economic uncertainty over concerns about immigration when research suggests that at worst their burden is neutral and at best they are huge contributors to our economy and society. Every single person I spoke to that was voting leave cited immigration as their main reason although I know people voted leave for a variety of reasons. I reserve my anger for the politicians who called this referendum. I think it was too complex an issue for us to decide as a people. They don't consult us on other major issues such as taking our country to war. Why this? Why now? I feel like we've been sacrificed for the political aspirations of those hell bent on screwing us over.

I'm finding myself wanting to spend all my time on social media, clinging desperately to my fellow remainers, trying to make sense of it, understand it, prepare, hope against hope that this isn't really happening. But then you get called a cry-baby, sore loser. Or that you're unpatriotic for not being happy about this and believing that Britain can flourish alone. Told to accept it, move on. I don't know how to do that when I think that this will be the moment that historians pinpoint as the unraveling of this country, the moment the world irrevocably changed for ever. I feel like I'm watching it happening with the rise of xenophobic attacks. I'm watching and feel powerless to do anything.

It's not something you can talk about though. How do you admit that you're so frightened that you are regularly in tears? My family have heard enough, my Facebook friends have probably hidden me. I can't go to my doctor and say, 'I'm depressed because of the referendum result. It's playing havoc with my anxiety. Is there counselling available for Brexit?'.

How do you move on?

[SheHasAWildHeart]

Haven't RTFT but OP I would recommend just taking some time away from the internet and the TV.

[angemorange]

Wow, nasty stereotyping there Dacc! You must have special powers if you can deduce all that from a mumsnet post

[Kitsa]

Well lots of people are going to tell you you're being dramatic and patronise you but the hell with them.

I don't feel anxious (suffer from anxiety too) so much as devastated about the line we have drawn here - I feel we have abdicated our civic responsibilities as part of Europe and our global humanitarian responsibilities re immigration.

A lot of people bury their heads in the sand as to how bad things could get in the world over the next thirty, forty years. Population, global warming, current conflicts and what they may turn into. I feel that the British people have shown what response they want to give, and that's to close up our borders, take care of ourselves, and look the other way for as long as we can - which may not be as long as many would like. It breaks my heart.

I do think a lot of the things you're worrying about are your anxiety talking but you're not being whiny or stupid and I don't think much of the people saying you are.

[AllegraWho]

If all this pathetic wetness has come about since we have been in the EU then maybe it's just as well we're out - and I was a firm Remain voter.

No.

[Kitsa]

Dacc, your post is ridiculous.

[AllegraWho]

My guess is that you have a big mortgage, 2 family cars, 2 holidays a year and don't have the first fucken clue about socialism other than what you learned in 6th form.

Misplaced anger much ?

[Atenco]

Re. your political analysis,

I did not have a vote in this referendum, though I followed it from afar more as an intellectual exercise. But I think, OP, you are putting too credence in what hedge fund managers and bankers say. They are only talking about their own interests and their interests do not lie in social justice or in the wellbeing of any particular country.

Personally I love the free movement of people, but I do feel that the European Union as an entity makes it even harder for people to have a say in the laws that govern us.

[CheesyWeez]

I'm feeling the same OP. It is a kind of grief. I woke up again this morning hoping it might be a dream then realizing it's not. My friend came over this morning and cried about it. A family member has called me and cried too. I haven't felt like this about an event outside the family since Princess Diana was killed. There is a sadness hanging over us.
There is much uncertainty right now but things will get clearer.
The UK is pragmatic and will come up with a reasonable plan for the future.
Take it easy and be nice to yourself OP

[MuminMama]

My guess is that you have a big mortgage, 2 family cars, 2 holidays a year and don't have the first fucken clue about socialism other than what you learned in 6th form.

Not the place for this, and you have no idea about Op's financial status.

[fusionconfusion]

I think people are being positively ludicrous about anxiety.

Anxiety is a NORMAL HUMAN EMOTION in contexts where things are uncertain and where the outcomes may be negative. Anxiety is a NORMAL and useful physiological indicator that you may be in danger that can spur you on to act.

Anxiety is not a disorder. Anxiety is a FEELING. Feelings are not disorders.

Anxiety disorders are anxiety disorders. They are categorised by having major anxiety over things where the outcomes are highly unlikely and being unable to function in everyday life as a result, or where the inability to tolerate a certain amount of anxiety is preventing someone from doing what matters to them on a day to day basis.

To be honest, massive anxiety is very normal in the current global context. Things really are going to shit, sorry. Not feeling it isn't a sign of psychological wellbeing and health, it's just a sign of avoiding the writing that's on the wall.

Anxiety can feel out of control when life circumstances are out of your control. And hey, that's what's HAPPENING.

The important thing is NOT to suppress it or "get a life" or "get on with it" - it's really to accept that it is a real feeling, it has a basis in the current context and to try as best you can to stay in the present and do what matters in each moment, moment to moment. Not feeling it isn't the answer.

[PastaLaFeasta]

I'm head in the sand right now, trying not to think about it. I've worked in central government and it is worrying, but it could be OK and an EEA membership like Norway could result in little change in day to day life. I know people who are worried for personal reasons and suspect those most vulnerable are the ones more likely to have voted to leave. The already comfortable to the very wealthy will be fine. Having sort after skills for employment will help too, as will languages - there's always the option to emigrate. Whatever happens will take time and we just have to hope we get the best leadership to make this transition.

[albertcampionscat]

If we even do brexit. Looking less likely by the hour.

[Hellochicken]

RunRabbitRunRabbit's advice and even if your health complaint is making you have anxiety, you can still use relaxation/CBT techniques to help. There are some books about this in all libraries. It is called "books on prescription".
Instead of getting more involved in politics I would try and focus on something else, like cycling/running/ organising an event/making something anything you are interested in and have the resources for. If possible stop social media, and personally I'd go as far as skipping a newspaper or TV news.

Sometime when you are feeling ready you get back into your interest in politics.

[neverknowinglywrong]

I wouldn't call winning by 4% "scraping through".

[JasperDamerel]

I disagree that the people worrying are the sheltered naive ones who have never worried about anything and are unable to cope with disappointment.

I'm used to seeing armed soldiers on the streets, planning journeys to avoid dangerous flash points and was asleep in bed when the bomb went off that blew the windows and roof tiles off my home.

And what I feel now is a rather terrifying sense of familiarity.


Having said that, things haven't gone too far yet. The majority of people who voted for Brexit in the UK seem to done so for similar reasons to the ones who voted to remain: for better funding funding for schools and hospitals, for better support for people to ill or disabled to work, for better job opportunities, closer communities, and an infrastructure that doesnt leave people behind. I think that now is probably a time to try and bring those things about in a way that doesn't involve far-right politics or ultra-nationalism.

So let your anxiety make an escape plan - savings, qualifications, helpful friends or family abroad etc, so that you can feel safer and start to relax. And then take a deep breath and start making tiny changes to bring about the world you want to see.

[fusionconfusion]

And incidentally, all those folk who "kept calm and carried on" during the war? They really did suffer too, you know. As did and do all people living in warzones. The stiff upper lip is a shut down or "freeze" position necessary to guarantee survival. Feeling emotion is not at all weak or pathetic - it's an evolutionary mechanism to spur people onto action when under threat. It isn't even a week since the vote. If OP is feeling like this AND not managing functional activities of daily living in a month, THAT will be the time to "get the help she needs". Right now, the best thing to do is to actually feel what she's feeling and talk to others who are feeling the same and don't invalidate and shame her for her feelings.

So tip - it would be best not to post about this on MN in AIBU, OP.

[Savemefromwine]

its a kind of grief

You have never lost a loved one then if you can compare s referendum vote to that.

[PeachStone]

Dacc, in private rental, rely on some housing benefit to get by, have 3 children, not been abroad as an adult as I can't afford it, have one very old car with over 100k on the clock which my parents bought for me. Do a job which is all about encouraging people power. You couldn't be more wrong about me.

I'm reading all the comments and will reply shortly. Just couldn't let Dacc's comment go unanswered.

[OneArt]

Peach, would it help your anxiety if you had a list of constructive things you can do to help the situation?

List copied from another thread (credit to ApoclypseSlough):

-write to your MP
-join the Lib Dem party and hope that they will be elected on a pledge to keep us in the EU - this would give them a democratic mandate to ignore the referendum result

• retweet instances of consequences of leaving already noted- racism, job losses, economic measures falling etc.

-be nice to the bregreters
-don't pedal the 'too old to have a vote'
-do share instances where other countries have had referendum but not followed through
-do share that referenda historically have been on simpler issues

[iloveeverykindofcat]

Oddly enough I saw my GP for something else today, and I have a history of anxiety. I mentioned that my anxiety is high right now, and she agreed with my assessment that at present its entirely normal to be feeling anxious. Whether people are taking it on board or not, we are at a very significant historical turning point, and historical precedent suggests a lot of dangerous factors in the current situation, as you've outlined above. Anxiety is an entirely sane response. (Unless, of course, it's paralyzing you).

[fusionconfusion]

Jasper, Xpost. I also had similar experiences, I spent every Summer in Strabane in NI and we had all sorts of scary experiences and men in balaclavas at the door etc. And having lived with many people from NI I know how much worse it was for people who endured the threat day in and day out for years, and that stuff does cause difficulty.

I'm not thinking people who aren't worried are all naive - but I think people who view other people worrying in this context this soon after the vote as a psychological disorder in need of medical attention are being a little naive.

I like your advice on making a productive "escape" plan and then moving on and back to life though, that makes perfect sense.

[derxa]

I did actually burst into tears when Cameron resigned. That's when the whole enormity of it hit me. But we do have to roll up our sleeves as a pp's dad said. Things have been much worse in the past which is why I can't understand older people voting Leave. Why jeopardise decades of stability with our European neighbours?
Anyway we must get on with it whatever 'it' is.

[ToastDemon]

Savemefromwine I've had two major bereavements and whilst the referendum result has of course not compared that, it has definitely felt like a bereavement of sorts - shock, then sadness and anger, but of course with the added element of grave concern for the future.
And also anyone saying that those deeply unsettled by this have clearly never had to cope with any major life traumas - you could not be more wrong.
As a teen I remember my brother and I fleeing political instability via the back roads to the border because the town was on fire. My father and other brother stayed to protect our business and had no telephone so for several days I didn't know if they were alive or dead.
It's precisely because I know such things are possible that I feel such disquiet now. People that have known nothing but safety and stability seem to find it far easier to assume that this will continue to be the status quo.

[PlatoTheGreat]

I'm with Allegra on that one and the OP too.

This vote will change everything and saying 'oh just keep going' is basically putting your head in the sand.
Some people will have a lot more to do than others. I'm, too, busy sorting out a permanent residence card for myself and my parents. As a lot of other EEA nationals will do now.
I can see how, for others, it's the financial issue that will be at the forefront. Etc...

The checking FB etc... Is a basic way to try and make sense of something that IS indeed really huge and I can't say it is an issue IMO.
What would be an issue is if you were still frantically checking FB, the news and whatever after a week or more.
And yes anxiety in general will make it worse.
But TBH, it's not being anxious about it and the ability to brush that 'issue' aside that's surprises me.

[Hellochicken]

I think you can take steps to look after your mental health. When OP has said she is regularly bursting into tears and has exhausted her family and FB for support, that she is going over and over the issues and has a feeling of fear in the pit of her stomach.