Should I help connect an adopted cousin with his birth father?

[Em2121]

I'm in a dilemma. A long lost second cousin has been in touch. He was adopted as a baby and found me via Ancestry DNA. I know exactly who his dad is (he is a cousin of my dad). I'm not in touch with him and have no contact details for him. He is old and I think in a nursing home.

I could easily put him in touch with his dad though. I know the dad's brother a little and have his phone number and could call him to get the dad's address. I feel like this is none of my business, and don't want to be in the middle of it.

Things that could happen:

• I stay out of it, the cousin fails to find the dad before he dies, i feel responsible
• I call the dad's brother, and he gets to know about the situation before the dada, which doesn't feel right
• I call the dad's brother, it all goes fine, the dad has dementia and is upset / has a heart attack over the whole thing
• Who knows what else! I know that the dad has two other sons who he has not always treated well.

Looking for any and all advice! I want to get out of the middle of it and just leave them all to work it out. But how? Anyone been through something similar?

I would simply give the long lost second cousin the details you have to hand about his uncle, and leave the rest to your long lost cousin.

Thanks, this is the option I am leaning towards...but i feel weird giving his details out to this chap without giving him a heads up first.

I would do one of two things:
Ask him if you can pass on his contact details and tell his brother (because that’s who he is). You may not think he should know before his father but you don’t know his father’s health - plus he arguably should know he has a brother. He can make his own decision about what he wants to do then.

If you are not comfortable with doing that, suggest to him that he finds a professional adoption intermediary and that you will share what you know with them - and let them take it forward.

I would call the dads brother and get the details for the nursing home and see if you can pass on a message to the dad.

If the brother wont give you the details, never mind, just let the long lost cousin have the dad's brother's details and take it from there.

Ah sorry - you said his uncle. In that case, i would contact him and pass his contact details to him (cousin’s contact details to your uncle that is)

I would do this too.

Only you can make that decision, but to do more at this stage would/could potentially get you uncomfortably involved.

I would contact the Dad's brother, ask if you could pass his number to the cousin but not say what it is about maybe? 'A distant cousin has contacted me and wants to speak to your brother, is it OK if I pass your number on and you can direct them to John?' Let the person trying to trace their family be the one to make the decisions and do the work. You don't know how this will go so best keep out of it if you can. I also don't think you are wrong to say sorry I can't help. If the brother says no don't pass my details on I think you could then send him the cousins details. For example send a screenshot and say 'if you change your mind this is the person who wanted to get in touch with John'.

Being honest I don't really agree with what is happening. An elderly person in a nursing home is entitled to a little peace and quiet and doesn't need a bombshell dropped. The whole family don't need it either, fair enough this guy wants to trace his family but this man either didn't know he existed or didn't want to know. He is almost inevitably going to stir up shit at the end of a life and I think a better person would let it slide. I appreciate many might disagree but that's my take.

Thanks. I'm not in contact with the dad's brother enough for it not to be really unusual me calling him. He will definitely know something odd is going on.

I think I have a solution. I've found a publicly available address (companies house) for the dad's brother (who is something like 10-15 years younger than the dad) which I have passed onto the cousin. The cousin knows this is a difficult situation and appreciates that he "hasn't received it from me :-)". These are grown men and i will leave it to them to get on with it themselves. Very pleased to be able to step away from it all now!

Thanks everyone for your advice. Families, eh?

Great solution OP!