Should I have a second child and how?

[tecbrowidow]

I'm 41 and I have a 3.5 year old daughter and a partner of almost 7 years. I've always wanted two children. Before I met my partner I was seriously considering single parenthood by choice. After we got together I was clear with him that I couldn't keep the relationship going if he didn't plan to have a family one day, he stuck with me. Our relationship has been pretty hard since becoming parents, I want a deeper emotional connection than he seems able to give and his work often takes priority over our family. When we argue he often says it wasn't the right time in his life to have a child. We recently spent 5 months trying for a second child, after which I had a very early stage miscarriage which was emotionally and physically very hard on me. My partner is now not able to give me a straight answer on if we can try again for a baby. I suspect he won't ever be able to give me the emotional or logistical support I want from a relationship. I'm doing well financially and don't need him to be here to keep up with the mortgage. I keep on thinking about asking him to leave and trying to have a second baby with donor sperm. It seems call callous to break up and then go straight into fertility treatment as a solo parent, but I'm 41, so time is really against me if I am going to ever have another baby. My daughter loves babies, and I really think she would be happy if she had a sibling, and I also think I'd provide a loving home and feel at peace if I could have a second child. I've tried and tried to mend the issues in my relationship with my partner. I'm heartbroken because I loved him so much when we were first together. I feel like we have made a lot of progress from our lowest point, but we often return to him being silent with me, me being frustrated with him. What's the right thing to do?

Does he use condoms when you have sex? If not I’d just keep going.
The thing is, do you really want to break up the family so you can have another baby? Your child doesn’t need a sibling, not all siblings get on, and what if the baby had complex needs, it’s a lot to think about.

You are 41. You have to accept that a second baby may never happen, either with your partner or with a sperm donor. You can’t build your future happiness around a second baby that may not be possible.

im sorry if that is harsh, but I think if you can acknowledge that, it will be a step forward.

then you can work towards making the best of what you have. And if that includes unprotected sex with your partner that might lead to another baby, that is ok. But don’t plan for it or obsess about it. You have to consider baby no2 as a lucky bonus not an essential.

I have to emphasize that our relationship leaves me feeling very lonely right now. I understand if people think I shouldn't leave him in order to try for another baby, but I'm not clear why most people who've voted so far think I should stay. I feel like mumsnetters generally tell me very bluntly that I'm never going to be happy with him and I should walk away. Why in a vote is staying winning? Is it just that the people who think you should leave tend to shout louder here?

At 41 trying for a baby would be silly. Your body has already shown you signs that it won't be easy.

Your partner agreed to try for 5 months, it failed. You need to accept that. Breaking up your family for the slim chance of having another child seems ridiculous. If you're genuinely unhappy in your relationship then leave, or maybe try counselling. I suspect your relationship would improve if you dropped the 2nd baby idea.

Example thread where most people are telling me to go: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344152-success-stories-with-anxious-avoidant-relationships

Another thread where people told me to go: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5326723-tech-bro-widow

If you only wanted to hear that you should leave, just say that. Making multiple threads until you get the responses you want is ridiculous behaviour.

Leave your husband, break up your childs home, follow your dream of having a baby and if it never happens then what? Will your current child not be enough for you?

@PersephoneParlormaid we haven't had sex in over a month.

Don’t break up your family to have another baby when you’ve already got a child. You’d be taking your dd away from her father for a chance of having another baby that might not even happen.

@AutismMum2021 I feel like my other threads I was looking for advice on how to handle a difficult relationship and got advised to stop trying to fix things and leave, and this is the first time I've actually asked if I should leave and the answer in a vote is no. So that's pretty confusing to me.

Personally I wouldn’t go down the doner route- I wouldn’t want one child to not have a father by choice and to probably create issue between siblings in that being the case.
id probably either try and have a baby with your partner or leave and accept you have one child.

Ive just glanced at your other threads. They ask different questions and go into more detail about the relationship dynamic ie his over commitment to work and lack of interest in family time and the fact you have opposite attachment styles.

People generally just respond to the question posed in the thread and dont look up previous threads.

Here you asked if you should break up a relationship to have a second child. Given ages, the fact it may not work and the fact the donor root is not a simple process and the fact you already have a child who should be prioritised, people are voting no.

However, in the wider context you seem deeply unhappy in the relationship, insecure with him and you seem very different people. If the relationship isn't fulfilling you can absolutely break up with him but do it for yourself and a better dynamic for your existing child, not a future one who may or may not happen. That way if you don't get pregnant you will still have made the right choice as you left for you.

I think most posters are suggesting breaking up a relationship in order to try to conceive by doner at 41 when you already have a child together is perhaps not the best idea and you may regret it.
Then, whether or not you remain in your relationship should be based on the merits of that relationship irrespective of the above.

This is because the way this post is worded is your primary concern is a second child to the point you are willing to get a sperm donor. So if you are that desperate then you might as well have another baby with him, and continue to work on your relationship. If it doesn’t work out then you have your second baby. You are happy to be a single mum but this gives you the two children you want plus a chance at making it work.

If you are not genuine about making it work with him it’s cruel to trick him into having another child he doesn’t want. In which case I would break up but would seriously reconsider the stress of trying to get pregnant on your own with a child at home.

Sometimes life doesn’t go as you plan in your head and you have to make hard choices.

How do you plan to tackle issues like DC1 having a father that, presumably they will continue to have some form relationship with, while DC2 has no one? It would probably be a breeding ground of resentment between siblings.

Your other threads have totally different context and TBH are quite the drip feed that these have all come from the same person. You obviously want a big crowd to tell you to leave or you wouldn't keep making threads on this. Stop looking for the perfect excuse and just call time. But on the topic of this thread specifically, I'd advise you against TTC by yourself as you already have a child. You would be going from 2 parents 1 child to 1 parent 2 children and that's significantly harder, especially with a newborn and a preschooler.

At the moment it not just about you and what you want in life. Your 41 with a partner and toddler. You want another baby and your partner agreed to try for this. You had an early miscarriage. I know this would have been hard for you.
Your partner has seen the effect this had on you and may not want to try for another baby. Also your child is probably sleeping through the night and it getting slightly easier because they are getting older.
Also if your 41 and your partner could be your age or older and perhaps they don't want to be still working at 70 because of a 2nd child is in college.

So now you still want a baby and are willing to end your relationship. Your going to brake up your family because you want a 2nd child. I am not been mean but at your age it can be harder to get and stay pregnant. Then you have a higher risk of having a child with special needs. Also if your partner who my be older agress to have another baby their is a higher chance of having a child with autism.

So you get pregnant by donor and have a child with special needs and you have to work less hours or give up work altogether because they have complex need's. How will you mange for money? What happens the child you already have?

I think you need to accept that even if your partner agrees to this it may not happen. Rather than pushing for a 2nd child that your partner may not want or brake up your existing family to have this I would accept that your one and done.

Look forward to your child growing up. As this happens you can bring them more places and doing more things. Then you can save more money to help them say at university or when they want to buy a home.

I've been so sleep deprived lately that I'm going pretty mad. I took a night off childcare last night and stayed at a hotel, leaving my partner and daughter at home (I gave my partner a week's notice of this and reasonable chance to back out if it was genuinely impossible). With a good night's sleep under my belt I'm feeling more lucid:

• I'm burnt out and I need more support from my partner to fix that
• I only want to continue this relationship if my partner can step up
• I'm really struggling to cope with the impactions of all this on my chances of having a second child

Well, this isn’t the Citizen’s Advice Bureau.

You’re not asking the same question on every thread & it’s not the same people replying to every thread.

Don’t make major life decisions based on MN.

Don’t blame MN for your own confusion and indecision.

There is not a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ thing to do.

You are ultimately responsible for making decisions about your own life.

How would it be if your existing child was with you on a 50/50 basis and a fictitious one all the time. Don’t you think that might screw your daughter over a bit?

@Readytohealnow that's a good point. The imaginary child might also have feelings about that. Is it significantly different from a classic divorce followed by second family though?

*implications

It would be if your imaginary child didn’t have a father. But yes it would be the same if you had another family and then your partner abandoned you both. I imagine your second child would feel quite jealous of their older sibling getting daddy daughter time.

Go and get a fertility assessment at a private clinic. They go further than the NHS checks which mostly just look to see if there’s anything obviously wrong. They will be able to tell you the likelihood of you conceiving naturally again, and your odds with IVF. I say this because if your fertility is low, you could be looking at finding tens of thousands of pounds to have another baby and I’m sure this will influence your decision. Another factor is your daughter, I’m sure she’d love a sibling but if that is at the risk of her losing her Dad I’m not sure I would take it. I’m a solo mum by choice and would love a second (son is also 3.5), but financially it’s impossible. If you know your fertility you will have more information on which to make this choice.