Should I have a second child and how?

[tecbrowidow]

I'm 41 and I have a 3.5 year old daughter and a partner of almost 7 years. I've always wanted two children. Before I met my partner I was seriously considering single parenthood by choice. After we got together I was clear with him that I couldn't keep the relationship going if he didn't plan to have a family one day, he stuck with me. Our relationship has been pretty hard since becoming parents, I want a deeper emotional connection than he seems able to give and his work often takes priority over our family. When we argue he often says it wasn't the right time in his life to have a child. We recently spent 5 months trying for a second child, after which I had a very early stage miscarriage which was emotionally and physically very hard on me. My partner is now not able to give me a straight answer on if we can try again for a baby. I suspect he won't ever be able to give me the emotional or logistical support I want from a relationship. I'm doing well financially and don't need him to be here to keep up with the mortgage. I keep on thinking about asking him to leave and trying to have a second baby with donor sperm. It seems call callous to break up and then go straight into fertility treatment as a solo parent, but I'm 41, so time is really against me if I am going to ever have another baby. My daughter loves babies, and I really think she would be happy if she had a sibling, and I also think I'd provide a loving home and feel at peace if I could have a second child. I've tried and tried to mend the issues in my relationship with my partner. I'm heartbroken because I loved him so much when we were first together. I feel like we have made a lot of progress from our lowest point, but we often return to him being silent with me, me being frustrated with him. What's the right thing to do?

You need to separate the different issues that are on your mind. You’re posing the question as ‘should I leave DH and try for a baby alone’. When actually, you need to consider the relationship first.

It sounds like a pretty miserable relationship based on this post and I haven’t read the others. Decide whether you want to stay or leave based only on whether you want to spend your life with this man or not.

Once that decision is made, then consider a child with him or agree not to. Or if you leave, get settled first then decide whether to pursue a donor conception or not.

And FWIW, don’t use the reason that your daughter likes babies as a reason to have one! It’ll only be a baby for a short time. She may be thrilled with a sibling, she may hate it. The decision to have another child should be entirely down to whether you and DH, or you alone, want one.

I am puzzled as to how you think your life will be better/easier with 2 dc and no father when you are burnt out with 1 dc with a father.

Not trying to be mean, I understand the longing for a second child and from what I gather you're relationship isn't going well at the moment, so I understand you are questioning everything. But none of your plans are realistic if you are in a place where you go spend your night in a hotel to take time off from your family. That is a sign you need to take it easy and not add another baby into the mix, with or without your husband.

If you're burnt out, another child may not be a good idea.

Whether you choose to leave your partner is ultimately your decision, but it sounds like you are very unhappy so leaving may be for the best.