Teenage pregnancy / issues with baby father

[fairydusty]

My daughter is 17 and pregnant, she is not in a relationship with the father.

They are both young and argue quite a bit over what will happen with the baby in the future. However my daughter has recently found out that he is selling drugs. He was giving her money to help get bits for the baby but since finding out the money is from drugs she has stopped accepting it.

she is now saying she doesn’t want him having anything to do with the baby and doesn’t plan on telling him when the baby arrives.

im torn here, I totally understand her not wanting someone who sells drugs around her and her baby and I am proud that she is taking this stance however she is cutting off his full family and saying none of them are going to be involved.

he also won’t be on the birth certificate as without him attending the appointment to register the birth he can’t be named on the birth certificate. So then the baby has unknown father on the certificate which also doesn’t feel right.

I am trying to support my daughter but I’m unsure about how to navigate all this!

Your daughter is doing everything she can to protect her baby. You should do the same

Your daughter sounds like she is making all the right decisions

She sounds very wise.

She can tell the child who the father is. Your daughter is being very sensible, not giving a drug dealer PR over her baby.

I think she is doing the right thing in protecting her child.

The birth certificate won't say 'unknown father'. The certificate will just have a line in the boxes where the father's details would go. My dd's birth certificate has this.

Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel right to you, there will be other decisions she will make that you won’t agree with. To me it sounds like she has her head together and is making some wise decisions. I really wouldn’t want a drug dealer / gangster / whatever he is having parental responsibility of my grandchild

Your daughter is absolutely correct.

If this drug dealer gets his name on the birth certificate he will be involved with your daughter and grandchild for the next 18 years. He will be able to veto school choices, holidays abroad etc in short make her life a misery as he will have parental responsibility. He will also be able to petition the court for unsupervised overnight contact even while the child is a baby. Do you want that? I wouldn’t.

If he reforms and decides he wants to be a decent part of his child’s life he can always apply to be added to the birth certificate at a later date via the court.

Your 17 yo is pregnant with a drug dealers baby. Since she has chosen to have the baby, I would do everything possible to get her away from him. Normally I wouldn’t encourage a mother to physically move away from a father, but right now I would consider moving your entire family to a new city.

he would still be able to apply to the court to be named the father, but the harder she makes it for him to be involved, the better her life prospects. She is already facing an uphill battle. I would do everything you can to let her and the baby have a decent start given the situation.

Do you want said drug dealer to be able to take the child and have the police say it’s a domestic issue? Make decisions about the baby’s and her life, her holidays etc forever

Your daughter is right. Keep him off!

Sorry I agree that he should have no contact with the baby but does that mean his family can’t have any part in the babies life.

I do not know him at all but my understanding is that his parents are not aware he is dealing drugs and wanted to play a part in baby’s life.

however she has now cut all contact with them too, it will obviously be his responsibility to explain to his parents and sisters why she has done this but should they be punished for his actions??

I will support her with whatever decision she makes but as her mum I do think it’s my job to try and help guide her through this if I can

Good on her!

I think she’s right but ultimately he knows she is pregnant he will be able to get his name on it and PR via court if he wanted to the only requirement to to so may be a paternity test he doesn’t need to prove he has a good character. It may be wise to prepare for that and have a plan /solicitor ready

How exactly would it be possible for his parents to be involved in the baby's life without him? And without telling them 'Oh yes I have nothing to do with your son as he's a drug dealing shit'?

It just isn't possible.

If he has normal parents then yes I’d agree. But their child is a drug dealer. Something has gone wrong there!

This.

What drugs that he sell? Like does his mate Steve grow some weed in his garage that he sells to few mates or does he sell Heroin and is part of international drug ring?

Your daughter sounds very switched on. Fuck considering the ethics around the right thing to do regarding a drug dealing waster.

From what she has been told he is selling weed and ketamine. Not part of a big drug ring basically buying from a bigger dealer and selling on.

police have been made aware of what is going on.

Not part of a big drug ring basically buying from a bigger dealer and selling on.

You are being a bit naive if you think he is not part of a drug ring. Who do you think makes the ketamine? Who do you think grows the weed?

Your daughter is right to keep your future grandchild well away from all that.

She’s doing the right thing

how old is he? I’m assuming a bit older than your dd?

Your daughter is doing the right thing by not putting a drug dealer's name on the birth certificate. It isn't ethical for a drug dealer to have parental responsibility. It's also not her responsibility to facilitate contact between her baby and a drug dealer's family. He will be involved with dangerous people who are higher up in the hierarchy than he is. Why do you want to put your grandchild in danger?

Most low level drug dealers get involved in selling to pay for their own habit. I'll bet he is using too, even if she is not aware.

Your daughter is quite right to keep her baby away from him, and of course his parents have no rights at all.

@fairydusty you say
“Sorry I agree that he should have no contact with the baby…”

Then why in the world do you want him to have parental responsibility?

make it make sense 🤷🏼‍♀️

It doesn't say 'unknown' on birth certificate. It just has a blank space. And it is very easy and free to add him on later (I've done this - you just got back to registry office). She's very sensible for keeping him off for now and can add him on if she is forced to or if he proves himself later.

She won't be able to prove he is a drug dealer (unless someone anonymously calls crime stoppers to report him and he's caught with them etc). So that wont be seen as any more than hear say if he took her to court.

Please trust your daughter that she may know more than she feels able to tell you. And also know that what she decides now may change in time.

Do you really think the paternal grandparents will believe your daughter over their own son!? Of course they'll let their son meet their grandchild if they can take him out.