Teenage pregnancy / issues with baby father

[fairydusty]

My daughter is 17 and pregnant, she is not in a relationship with the father.

They are both young and argue quite a bit over what will happen with the baby in the future. However my daughter has recently found out that he is selling drugs. He was giving her money to help get bits for the baby but since finding out the money is from drugs she has stopped accepting it.

she is now saying she doesn’t want him having anything to do with the baby and doesn’t plan on telling him when the baby arrives.

im torn here, I totally understand her not wanting someone who sells drugs around her and her baby and I am proud that she is taking this stance however she is cutting off his full family and saying none of them are going to be involved.

he also won’t be on the birth certificate as without him attending the appointment to register the birth he can’t be named on the birth certificate. So then the baby has unknown father on the certificate which also doesn’t feel right.

I am trying to support my daughter but I’m unsure about how to navigate all this!

Like thousands of others before and after with another child growing up without a father she needs to join the long list of benefiting from legal advice and probably benefits she is better seeking it now

Is this a reverse? Are you the father’s Mum?

Because if my Dd was pg I would be doing all I could to keep her and my grandchild away from a drug dealing father who is not in a relationship with her and who argues with her about the baby.

Support her. See how things play out. Maybe in due course his family will step up, and offer support and relationships that your Dd feels are safe to accept.

But at the moment it sounds as if you are clinging to something for some odd outdated or social ideal.

he also won’t be on the birth certificate as without him attending the appointment to register the birth he can’t be named on the birth certificate.

He can. Not at that appointment, but if it bothers him then he can apply to court and have himself added using a pretty simple process.

If he wants it he can easily sort it.

Thanks for the reply.

no this is not a switch and I’m not the boys parent, but I do have a son and would be devastated to be in this position as his mum, so perhaps that’s why I have a level of sympathy for the other parents. I would also want to know if my son was involved in drugs so I could try and help get him away from them, this however is not my daughters job to tell them. The father is 17 too.

i am not naive and feel some of the responses are very judgemental and not overly helpful. But then I’ve asked for opinions so expected that. I’m not saying for a second I won’t support my daughter with whatever she decides to do, I’m just exploring my feelings and wanted to do this somewhere anonymous.

I don’t believe for a second that parents who have children who get involved in drug are always to blame so automatically become bad people too. However I accept that as a parent it would be difficult for them to have a relationship with the baby that didn’t involve the father…. However it does happen.

i have encouraged my daughter to keep a record of all contact she is having with the father in relation to the drugs and as I said before the police have been made aware on a few occasions.

I find it strange that you are thinking about the Father bring on the birth certificate. You should be focusing on your daughter and grandchild and not giving him any thought or energy. I also hope she's not thinking and you're not encouraging her to give the baby his surname? Do you know what rights he'll automatically have if she does this?

From what you've said she is doing the right thing, not on BC and her surname. She needs to mention none of this to him. The baby can still know who their father is, she can just photocopy the BC and write his name, date of birth etc.

If your daughter gives him any rights she's mad. He's a scum of the earth drug dealer,

Keep a record? Your daughter doesn't want to see her ex again! Your daughter's priority is herself and her unborn child. I'd be really upset and angry if my mum prioritised a drug dealer.

If I was your daughter, I wouldn't want to spend time with my ex's family or leave my child with them because they'd invite their drug dealer son round. Younger drug dealers work for some dangerous people who could hurt your grandchild.

People on here really just read something and think how can I make someone feel shitty …. Get a grip honestyy.

have you never had unwanted contact from an ex…. So he is blocked but can get round that by contacting from other accounts, or numbers so yes I’ve told her to keep a record of all contact! Fuck i must be a horrific person!

and how am I prioritising a drug dealer over her …. I’ve said several times I am fully supporting my daughter she has no idea what my thoughts are …. As I said I wanted to explore these feeling some where anonymous. Again what a fucker for daring to think about another family …. Who I bet are having a pretty hard time right now too!!

and who mentioned the contact being at their home, contact can be facilitated in other safe spaces.

god you would think I had asked if my daughter should give her baby to a dealer for a bag of drugs!!

note to self mums net is not where you go for support it’s where you go to get judged

I understand you have sympathy for the other grandparents, but they are strangers to you. Maybe it's a sort of thought experiment for this thread, but you seem to be focusing too much on them and not enough on what would be best for the child.

Also, as pp said, what your dd decides may change in the future. The father may leave the drugs behind, some people manage to do that. His family might step up and offer relationships your dd feels are safe to accept. And of course, the needs and wants of the child will change as she grows.

If this thread isn't giving you what you want, maybe it's time to bow out.

Having a grandchild is wonderful! Good luck with it all.

Thanks Flughafenkoenigin - we can’t wait to be grandparents and just wish for the best for our daughter and as little stress for her as possible!

it’s not that I’m not getting what I want out the post it’s the way people are making out I’m going against my daughter! I am not but if she asks for advice or what I think I want to have that clear in my mind because at the minute it’s muddy. Not in terms of contact with him but contact with his family.

but I think your right mumsnet is not for me, when my daughter was a baby I found it to be just a judgmental I had thought over the years it might have changed…

I think I will go find a site for us grannies 🤞 for some kindness and understanding

Ketamine!
Has your daughter met his parents before?

I have a family member who had addiction problems and was involved with some nasty people. His parents are lovely but when he had a child (with a woman who had no idea what he was in to until after the baby was born) they did everything they could to encourage contact between him and the child. They saw their son as a nice boy who just needed to get on the right path and convinced themselves that taking care of his child would help him do that. They helped facilitate the contact but the Dad was definitely left with the child unsupervised and took the child out with him 'to see friends'. They child grew up to love her Dad and made excuses for him, lied to her Mum to cover up for him etc.

In OP's situation I would completely back my DD in doing all we could to make it difficult for the Dad to claim any rights to see the baby. That would almost certainly mean denying his parents the chance to have time with their grandchild, which I would feel sorry for but ultimately the safety of the baby and my DD would have to come first.

Parents aren't responsible for everything their children do. He's 17 and dealing drugs. He might be being exploited. He might have been targeted or groomed by adults. He's only a kid himself. I think it's wrong to judge the parents and siblings based on his behaviour.

Fellow granny here. We had a surprise uni baby in our family and I struggled with the boyfriend even though everyone else thought he was lovely. That was because he sponged off my daughter while she was on her student loan. Didn’t make sure there was so much as a pint of milk in for her to have a cup of tea when she got in from lectures and was generally a ‘woe is me ‘ whinger’ type of person feebly lying on the bed.
Anyway, he did improve. They split up and his new girlfriend is a ‘tolerates no crap ‘ kind of person. He got a proper job, has his child 50% of the time and other granny adores him. So he went from a feckless drinker to pillar of the community with blended family as he has more children now.
I would keep your powder dry for now; things change. Your daughter is in battening down the hatches mode. The ex may improve, other grandparents may get in touch , she may feel differently when she is holding her brand new human being in her arms.
Overwhelming for you too, I’m sure this is not what you had in mind for your own beautiful daughter. Be supportive but let her find her way too. If I have any regrets from that time it’s that I was over involved and over emotional at my daughter being pregnant so young and how clueless they were. Maybe if I’d stepped back more she would have been more confident then.
But we’re all learning and doing our best and sometimes we have regrets.

@fairydusty I think you can only support your daughter. Supporting her doesn't actually mean agreeing with everything she says and does. Id just gently point out that his parents and siblings haven't done anything wrong and it's in the child's best interests to have lots of people that love them (as long as those people are not a danger). She doesn't need to do anything she's not comfortable with but the grandparents visiting at your home, on their own, while you and she are present, presumably wouldn't be a danger to the child.

I agree with your daughter about the birth certificate. I wouldn't give him parental rights. Unfortunately, that would allow him to take the child without returning them unless you have a court order. I'd let him fight for all his rights. It will give the baby a chance to grow and hopefully for daddy to sort his shit out.

Why don’t you get in touch with his parents and build a relationship with them. This child should know the other half of its family.

Oh also could be a granny 😂

I agree it’s hard for his parents if they can’t see their grandchild.

However that is no reason to give parental responsibility for a newborn to a 17 year old drug dealer. Who is already arguing with your daughter about how the baby should be looked after. Do you want to give him equal legal status in those decisions?

Later on, if they don’t stay together, he will have a say in which school your grandchild attends, if your daughter can take your grandchild away on holidays. Even more concerning, he will be able to seek contact, overnight, unsupervised. For the child’s entire childhood. Are you really advocating for that? Seriously?

I understand your thought processes are “muddy” right now but please, as one adult woman (and granny) to another, think this through.

As I said in my first reply, if he sorts himself out and steps up he can be added to the birth certificate later. The onus should be on him to change his ways. Not on your daughter to hand-hold his parents.

Put the baby and his / her needs and safety first.

Honestly, gently, why are you worrying about his family so much when you have a pregnant 17 yo and upcoming baby to worry about?

Fuck them for now, they're really low on the list of things you need to be worrying about. I had my daughter at 16 and let me tell you it's fucking hard, she's going to need you to be on side 100%, not dithering and worrying about the drug dealer dad's family.

One day in the future when he's grown up a bit these circumstances might change, but right now your daughter is doing absolutely the right thing in prioritising the baby and only the baby. Focus on that at the moment, the rest can come later.

Did he put his name on the birth certificate?

Yes

Thanks for your reply.
I’m glad it worked out well for your daughter and child. Would you advise the daughter mentioned in this thread to get the father’s name on the birth certificate?

His parents right now need to be focused on their son and helping him get away from selling and using drugs. Then there is potential for them to be involved with the baby.

And right now you need to support your daughter. She has made exactly the right decision for right now.
Things can change. If they do, I think you can have faith that your DD will make a good decision then. But parenting and grandparenting is a privilege that needs to be earnt for the sake of the child involved. Yes it is sad for them to miss out but that is not your concern.

Not part of a big drug ring basically buying from a bigger dealer and selling on.

That's literally his part in the 'ring' - how naive are you?

Agree with a PP that in this scenario I would honestly move across the country if needs be.

I am actually someone who feels quite strongly about the importance of a father in a child's life. But not a drug dealer ffs. I think you might be very sheltered. Most people know or have known the types that go into "casual" dealing - they're not the type you want to raise your grandchild, I promise you.