inheritance one... should I lie or not

[TwoCreamEggs]

I have an Aunt who is a lovely person, retirement age and has had a lot of problems in her life possibly undiagnosed autism. Her and her (adult) children all have quite severe mental health problems are the kindest of souls. They all live in very reduced circumstances and this makes me feel sad for them - I try to help when I can but I tread carefully as I want to respect them and not treat them as a 'charity case'.

So my dilemma is that I have been left a lot of money by a family member. I am in no way rich but I am comfortably off and I would really like to give my Aunt some of the money but......

First of all she is not good with money and is quite vulnerable to people borrowing off her and not paying it back and I am not sure if a big lump sum would be a good idea.

I don't want to patronise her or embarrass her.

So - should I lie and tell her that the money was left to her or just be truthful and say look, I think you deserve this and would like to share it with you - and should I say it is so much a month/year or just risk the lump sum.

I want to do the right thing and I am not sure what to do.

I would welcome any help or insights thanks.

I wouldn't lie about a will as that's unleashing all kinds of potential problems.

Definitely say you want to share your good fortune but you can only do it by smaller amounts regularly (i would not recommend handing over a large chunk, as you say).

Could you offer to, for example, pay her energy bills or council tax bills? Something regular - and fixed- so she doesn't have to worry about it?

I'd be wary of unlimited asks in the future though, so think hard about what is the most practical and least risky way.

People who are bad with money or are subject to influence, do not change.
Why don't you buy her a treat she likes and then she won't have other people influencing her.
If she is on benefits then giving her money will affect these, whilst giving her a treat won't.
Think long and hard before doing anything and consider the consequences.

Yes. Excellent first post above. Best not to lie, and small, regular amounts. What a kind person you are!

I think I would see if you can pay her utility bills or similar for her, of course you would need to tell her so she can move the DD

Ahh this is a lovely inheritance thread, compared to the grabby ones where they're planning how to spend the money when people are still alive!

I think it's a fab kind idea, but given her history and vulnerability a monthly payment might be bes.

Are they in reduced circumstances because they don't know what benefits they might be entitled to or how to claim them; or is it because they don't know how to budget properly so overspend in the wrong areas; or are they getting everything and budgeting properly and it's still not enough?

Once you have honestly answered the above then you can target your help whether it's financial or supporting them through official paperwork. I would never give someone a lot of money if they could easily lend it out and not care but paying their council tax or a set amount towards energy bills, or even a cleaner, would be a good option.

EDIT - actually is it her own home? Because she might be putting off a big job like a new roof or a new boiler due to finances. I think that would be the most beneficial way to spend it.

As pp said, no need to lie, don't give any money, and pay phone/energy/council tax bills instead. Just be prepared that once you start paying any bills you will not be able to stop as your aunt will now be depending on it.

Would the following work? Estimate a monthly budget the sum you have in mind would enable, tell her you love her and would like to help and, if she wants, you'd like to trial £x per month of support. If sshe's happy then set up a standing order/equivalent into a standalone account in your name to which she can have a debit card from which she can spend. You get an element of oversight of where the money goes and there's no lump sum, both of which would mitigate others borrowing from her. Also, there's nothing in her name what might affect savings-dependent benefits if she has any.

Good luck.

I wouldn't lie but I'd offer to take on a bill for her. I know someone who did similar and they left a £50 tesco voucher in the person's letterbox every month and paid for a tank of oil as it was needed. I think something practical like that would be helpful as it also mentally takes it off their plate and they never have to be responsible for the money so can't be coerced around it? I think you'd need to be very clear on the amount and for how long before you speak to her about it.

I wouldn't hand over a lump sum for the reasons that others have given but I also think that once you have started regular monthly payments you will be unlikely to be able to stop, so paying for anything big, like boiler or roof might be a better way to go

What a lovely thread 🌺

I agree with PP that a lump sum would be a bad idea and that a regular amount or taking on a bill would be best.

The PP about a Tesco voucher each month is a good idea as she can treat herself or buy essentials. Im not sure if you work but in my work place we can buy vouchers at slightly reduced rates, could you fib and say you could do that so you'll get more for her money rather than suggesting she cant be trusted with the cash?

@AutumnFroglets as far as I am aware they are on benefits and get what they are entitled to - they get by just but are obviously very much on the breadline. Another family member (who I have only met once at a funeral) who is in his 20's will go and 'borrow' money off her and she is a very kind/trusting/naive person so she has been taken advantage of by him and by others. It is a tiny council bungalow so no she does not own her own house.

@MilesOfCarpetTiles thank you - I agree it would be wrong to lie, I just don't want her to feel embarrassed but you are right.

Thanks to all your wonderful replies - I feel that she has had a really awful life (lost her Mum very young, had a very abusive ex-partner who tried to kill her, severe social anxiety. and now in very poor health..list is endless to be honest ) and she is indeed very vulnerable so I do agree that a large lump sum would not do her any favours.

I love the idea of Tesco voucher - could give her one a month to help her. I am not worried about continuing this basically for ever - it would also mean it would not affect her benefits.

I know that there are many people struggling like her but I would love to make her old age a bit more comfortable and I am lucky enough to be able to do it!

Thanks again to all who took the time to reply.

Can I just say this is so wholesome!!! You've made my day!!! What a truly lovely niece you are! Money often causes drama in families and it was so refreshing to see your only concern was for what way to give it!
I myself make poor money choices and live on the "breadline" and as others have said a lump sum is not the best idea...but the ideas such as money on the energy metres/energy bills...supermarket vouchers!! Excellent idea. That will make a massive difference!
Thankyou for restoring my faith in kindness 💓

Is there anything specific or special that she needs and struggles to save for?

I would worry that cash or vouchers could be passed on but new clothes, new bedding or even paying for a room to be redecorated couldn’t be sold. Something a bit special for her maybe? Maybe keep some back as an emergency fund for her so if her washing machine breaks you could help when she needs it most

Some family members can take advantage of their own family, as can some friends, so I think giving money has already been ruled out. I think the biggest thing you can give is what you already do, Love, warmth, empathy and understanding. I am sure, with all the opinions on here, you will come to the right conclusion. Bless you in all you do.

Is your aunt on any means test benefit? If so this will have an impact on her. If she scans is the money then it will have a negative impact on her and could affect her possibility of getting benefits in the future even because they could investigate how she spent the money and if she hasn’t kept receipts and things they’ll say where is it gone?

I was possibly think about giving her cash. I’m just telling her it’s a trust or something and you giving her a bit of cash each week or month.

Don't give her cash in case it interferes with her benefits and/or opens her up to financial abuse from greedy relations. However, do pay off debt, regular bills or buy furniture, replace broken household items etc.

Does she have a warm winter coat and boots? Has she had a haircut in a while? Is her freezer full and is there something she needs but can't afford? New carpets, sofa, new glasses, dental appointment etc? Lots of ways to help her without giving cash.

This thread might help you decide how to help your aunt, she is very lucky to have you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5184683-if-you-grew-up-poor-what-minorlow-level-thing-would-have-helped-you?page=1

Maybe get a solicitor to help put some legal safeguards in place if she's vulnerable and might have learning disabilities etc.

https://www.richardnelsonllp.co.uk/services-sectors/protection-vulnerable-adults/

I think even the Tesco vouchers might be taken advantage of if she's vulnerable and eventually taken off her if ahe mentions it to the abuser. I agree with others that maybe you just regularly treat her, take her out for nice lunches, make sure she has quality coat and boots, new bedding, new curtains, keep her fridge freezer fully stocked. Things that can't be easily taken from her but make her quality of life better. Xx

What a lovely thing OP, you're a good person. X

Why don't you take her to the supermarket once a month and pay the bill once you're there? You can make sure your trolley is stocked up with expensive items like washing powder and give them to her as well. That young man needs locking up.

I don't think you should give her money or vouchers if she isn't good with money and likely to be taken advantage of. Why not treat her every so often? Take her out to lunch a couple of times of month etc. Hopefully she's the type of person to appreciate your time and company than just a set amount of money every month.

Pay some of her bills and go shopping for the day to treat her to lunch and some niceties she could not afford. Tell her you have inherited the money and want to share your good fortune with her.
I had a cousin in similar circumstances. Managed her bills well but could not afford any treats for herself. We enjoyed our shopping days and I always treated her on the grounds that I had a wage and she didn't.

It's great that you want to help you aunt and her family but, in order to avoid problems you should buy her things rather than give money. If she gets money then some of her benefits may be reduced or, as you think, she could be taken advantage of. I think you need to talk to her and say that you want to help, no need to say where the money is coming from. I liked the idea someone else had of helping her with her house although, if it's a council house you will need to be careful of.what you can do. Could you buy her some new furniture? Or clothes, or offer to pay her energy bills?

On benefits you can receive money up to a certain amount but if it comes from outwith the family or over a certain amount or on a regular basis it will need declared and may reduce benefit entitlement - and of course be vulnerable to manipulators.

I agree with PP to rule out cash, paying bills and even vouchers as all will free up cash if done on a regular basis and if the other family member is manipulative they will work that out quick smart.

I 100% would go for using your money to do nice things that will uplift her without impacting on regular outgoings.

Eg meals out with her, days out with her, buying one offs like quality coat, electric blanket, replacing old appliances.

Self-care experiences eg trip to chiropodist can sound like a utilitarian self-care experience but feet get harder to reach when older though and impact greatly on mobility and independence so it is something I know older relatives appreciated. Alternated with a manicure and a massage (hands and feet) can make it more of a treat.

Hairdresser appointments, or home visits, also were well received especially as it provided company and a chat as well the actual hair-washing. Am sure a beautician that does facial massages & threading etc would also be good.

All of the above are things that can help a person of any age to feel more cared for when maybe they are no longer able to do these things for themselves for want of energy, dexterity or money and do not allow room for anyone to ‘steal’ them away.

Ime it’s the ‘not what I can/could do for myself’ stuff that is a treat whether that be company or self-care or ‘big ticket’ items.

It’s a lovely thing you are suggesting to share your good fortune 💐

Could you take her out for a day, buy her something nice, lunch then give her a Tesco (or whichever supermarket is convenient) card which you can top up once a month. This won't affect benefits. I presume the supermarkets offer these still, my dd had one at university 6 years ago.