inheritance one... should I lie or not

[TwoCreamEggs]

I have an Aunt who is a lovely person, retirement age and has had a lot of problems in her life possibly undiagnosed autism. Her and her (adult) children all have quite severe mental health problems are the kindest of souls. They all live in very reduced circumstances and this makes me feel sad for them - I try to help when I can but I tread carefully as I want to respect them and not treat them as a 'charity case'.

So my dilemma is that I have been left a lot of money by a family member. I am in no way rich but I am comfortably off and I would really like to give my Aunt some of the money but......

First of all she is not good with money and is quite vulnerable to people borrowing off her and not paying it back and I am not sure if a big lump sum would be a good idea.

I don't want to patronise her or embarrass her.

So - should I lie and tell her that the money was left to her or just be truthful and say look, I think you deserve this and would like to share it with you - and should I say it is so much a month/year or just risk the lump sum.

I want to do the right thing and I am not sure what to do.

I would welcome any help or insights thanks.

Please be very careful, any lump sum could mess her benefits up. Eg Housing benefit will stop if more than £6000 savings. Starting these benefits again can be very confusing and difficult.
If you have not had to claim benefits then you may not be aware of the minefield of different thresholds of money held and the number of departments involved and the difficulty talking to them.
But I agree with everyone that says that this is a lovely gesture.

How lovely!

I'm gonna go against the grain, here. As a diagnosed autist living in 'reduced' circumstances, I'm sure people think my financial decisions are squiffy. They aren't. They just reflect a different system of priorities because that's what living on the breadline looks like.

I would be absolutely heartbroken if I knew a family member wanted to help me but didn't think I could be trusted to manage that financial assistance. Unless you have also lived on the breadline for many years, please tread carefully here. What might look like carelessness to you is actually often responsible prioritisation. Even if that's luxuries that can't really be afforded. Sometimes it's about recognising that if you don't treat yourself to that luxury, you're going to spiral into a dark place again. That's a different kind of responsible decision you have to have experienced personally to understand.

I understand that ultimately you want to help your aunt in the best way you can, but I don't think any of the people here have really thought about how fundamentally condescending a lot of the responses here already are. It has the same energy as 'I won't give money to the homeless because they'll only spend it on drugs.' Spend long enough on the streets and you might understand why.

I think, if you want to help her, then help her. Give freely and understand that when you do so, you lose control over what she does with that money. Trust her to make the decisions that feel right to her, and not necessarily what you think constitutes help. Because they probably don't look the same, but that doesn't mean it isn't helping. Unless you have enough money to make her independently wealthy, she's going to stack debt again within a year or two. That's a reality of living on the breadline. Clearing it will give her temporary breathing room, but that might not be the best way to help her. What actually helps might well look like an irresponsible decision to you. Understand that you don't necessarily have enough information to determine that.

You have every right to be concerned about her lending money to people, and perhaps that should be a conversation you have with her, not just about this money, but more broadly. But ultimately, if you give her money, then it's a gift. It's hers to do with as she likes. I would give freely or not at all. If you try imposing conditions on the help you're offering her, you could irreparably damage your relationship with her.

Why not once a month take her out for coffee/lunch and then to do a big food shop? That way it’s a nice day out for her and you know that the money is going towards something practical?

Housing benefit will not stop if someone has over 6k in savings. You can have up to 16k in savings before benefits stop and benefits like PIP or attendance allowance are not means tested which means savings don't affect them. Benefits also won't stop if you give someone small cash gifts.

A quick Google search shows that someone can have up to 16k in the bank and not lose their full entitlement to benefits like UC. If someone is on pension credit they can have 10k in savings without it being affected.

Just keep using the money yourself to help her in small ways, it will eek it out and then she won't have to deal with others taking advantage. You don't have to give a lump sum, get her groceries or help quietly with other expenses. You can then help her for year's, rather than it all being blown and she won't feel embarrassed.

@NothingVenturedAndAllThat interesting response thank you - and he last thing I would ever want to do is offend or make my Aunt feel in any way patronised that is why I asked for help - I realise I have to tread very carefully. I have been lucky enough to have never lived in reduced circumstances so I can never truly understand what it is like.

I wish the person had directly left her some money ( as I believe would have been correct) but they didn’t.

@Roobarbtwo thanks - I was going to speak to CAB or a solicitor before I do anything but that seems positive.

Gosh I think I need to give it a lot of thought and not make any quick decisions.

Thankyou again to everyone x

You're very welcome. I've been on UC and had savings over 6k (it actually wasn't technically savings but it was money I had in the bank that I got for a specific reason). If someone is on universal credit anything over 6k and below 16k there's just over four pounds deducted for every 250 pounds in savings. As I said above if someone is on pip or attendance allowance these aren't means tested benefits so no need to declare savings and even if someone is on pension credit they can still have a certain amount of money in the bank and their benefits won't be affected.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think someone said that potentially your aunt might be entitled to more benefit than she's currently claiming

If she's over pension age and entitled to pension credit and not claiming it then it's something you could maybe look into

Ps - I live below the line just now - I manage but if she's really struggling some support from you even if its a small gesture could make a lot of difference
If you think she's financially vulnerable Id give small amounts at a time.

Don't give her money; just buy her things she needs. If you give her money and she spends it irresponsibly, which will probably be the case, you will be upset. Avoid the upset and just buy her stuff.

I have someone in my life who is somewhat the same, so I buy things they can use instead of giving them money to waste.

It's up to the OP how she gives the money. Don't try and guilt her into giving a lump sum.

That surely goes the other way around. It's her decision

I have a family member like this and I’m also a social worker who has to manage issues of people being financially abused, and 100% agree that a lump sum would sadly cause a lot more problems and put her at risk of being exploited (and mess up her benefits if she gets them.)

I would take opportunities to help whenever you can, like paying energy bills, or transport or other biggies. It sounds like holidays and meals out might not be as straightforward as they could be, if she struggles socially, but if she has a special interest that makes her happy you could try and cover the costs of that. One off deep cleans, furniture, clothes etc. you could keep the conversation factual and simple and just say you want to help and it’s what families are for.

Really sympathise with the dilemma, and it’s lovely of you to want to approach this sensitively xx

I would do deeds to help her, instead of giving her money that may or may not be managed well/ be taken off her.

does she need private medical cover? Can you pay for some of her bills, on a monthly basis?

if only there were more like you, out there. 😊

If they're claiming benefits giving her a lump sum could make them worse off. I'd pay for shopping every so often.

A family member recently received an inheritance and they passed some of it on to me (not a particularly large amount) and said that the family member who had died would have liked her to share the money with me to help with some work I was currently doing to my house. I knew I wasn't included in the will and wouldn't have appreciated being lied to, but thought that was a good way of wording it.

@TwoCreamEggs what a lovely person you are! My younger brother died earlier on this year only a couple of weeks after a cancer diagnosis. He was unmarried and probably would be assessed as ND nowadays. Anyway he didn't have two beans to rub together, having suffered a bad accident 10 years earlier and being judged fit to work but unable to get a job. He asked me who he should leave his estate to and I told him to leave it to our parents. He did have a small ex council house in disrepair.
It is in the process of being sold and my parents want to help me as I'm on uc (I do work 3 or 4 days a week). As we have been poor for so long I've suggested new beds, a new settee ( ours is over 30 years old and falling apart) and paying someone to cut the trees in our back garden. Maybe your aunty is in a similar situation.

🙄 Well, clearly I am not doing that.

What a lovely thing to do. 💐

We used to help out my husbands mum in similar circumstances. A little here and there in presents and things she needed or wanted, but never cash. We had to do it that way to stop her other kids sponging it all off her immediately. It's really tricky. You have to find things the spongers don't want or can't get hold of. We found to do grocery hampers that we put together ourselves to meet her personal preferences to be a good option.

The one time, she was in dire need of a new vacuum cleaner because hers broke down. We got her a lovely little new one that suited her reduced physical abilities. We found out the week after that SIL had gone round, told MIL some sob story and got MIL to swap the new one for SILs nearly clapped out second hand piece of shit hoover. We even had to watch how big the grocery hampers were or SIL and BIL would be sending their kids round for free meals. Basically, parasitic people with no morals exist.

I do have to say though that being bought presents always seemed to make her happier than cash. I think it was to do with obviously being thought about and considered being more important to her than the cash amount.

Does she have any hobbies that bring her joy which she can't afford to do currently. Very few mid 20s scrotes have any way to monetize a bag of knitting yarn (just an example, not an assumption, because crochet/ knitting/sewing are mine).

It's a shame you can't buy a big door mat with a trap door to a pit of vipers that only activates when a ring doorbell recognises certain young men coming to relieve aunty of her money. Just kidding. How about a vicious robot rottweiler. Do they exist yet.

What a lovely thing to do - I wouldn't lie or give her a lump sum - shopping vouchers monthly or paying some of her energy bill sounds a great idea