inheritance one... should I lie or not

[TwoCreamEggs]

I have an Aunt who is a lovely person, retirement age and has had a lot of problems in her life possibly undiagnosed autism. Her and her (adult) children all have quite severe mental health problems are the kindest of souls. They all live in very reduced circumstances and this makes me feel sad for them - I try to help when I can but I tread carefully as I want to respect them and not treat them as a 'charity case'.

So my dilemma is that I have been left a lot of money by a family member. I am in no way rich but I am comfortably off and I would really like to give my Aunt some of the money but......

First of all she is not good with money and is quite vulnerable to people borrowing off her and not paying it back and I am not sure if a big lump sum would be a good idea.

I don't want to patronise her or embarrass her.

So - should I lie and tell her that the money was left to her or just be truthful and say look, I think you deserve this and would like to share it with you - and should I say it is so much a month/year or just risk the lump sum.

I want to do the right thing and I am not sure what to do.

I would welcome any help or insights thanks.

Agree food shop or food voucher, still able to treat herself but no impact on benefits

I wouldn't lie and I wouldn't give her a chunk of money, as it sounds like it may end up being wasted. What I would do is offer to help whenever you know there's a particular need or something like that. Either offer to pay an ongoing bill like car payment or electricity or just wait till she mentions something she's worried about affording and say you know I have a little extra right now, I'd love to help.
I would say it like that instead of mentioning the inheritance because it could get very awkward if she sees you as someone with money that she can ask for help a lot.

This was a lovely, generous post!

I like the voucher idea a lot! Maybe a gift card to a particular shop she needs to use that you top up when needed

I wouldn't give money but I'm would try to do something to improve her life materially. New car, new bathroom, renovate garden, dental work, knee replacement.

if you don't want it to seem like charity, say that the relative who left the money expressed they wanted this money used in this way but didn't put it in the will which stops any implied legal obligation.

Anything like money or vouchers even if gradually given will be taken advantage by the sounds of it.

I agree with new bathroom/kitchen, supermarket vouchers, cleaner/PA, depending on what kind of sum you are talking about.

It is a really lovely idea @TwoCreamEggs .

Lovely thought! I'd definitely want to buy a one off big item rather than a monthly amount. I think a monthly amount would be a life-long commitment and would be awkward if you needed to stop it for whatever reason. It's easy to say now when you are in the first flush of the money that you'd buy Tesco vouchers forever, but better to save some for them monthly without their knowledge so you can help when they really need it.

That seems like a very sensible way of doing it.
No way I'd hand over cash regularly to soon who is proven to be no good at dealing with money it'll get swallowed up into there poor financial choices.
But a grocery card and some utilities would be much more sensible.

This. Don’t lie. No lump sums but offer to pay a particular bill

I’d be paying for therapy for them too, so they have the chance to build in their life :)

As an aside - whoever this person who is taking money from her. Can you report to the police? And get your aunt support via Social Services or someone to protect her too?

Don't mention your inheritance because she might tell the financial abusive relation who would then hassle you for cash. Just buy better quality versions of what she needs & fill her freezer.

Is her house winter proof? Can you insulate her loft as that would save on heating bills later. Or buy her a new boiler depending on the level of disposable cash you have available.

To be honest, if you have a lot of money and she's over retirement age and vulnerable then I'd be looking into long term care homes and saving money for that. That might be needed in 10 or 15 years time. Or private health care.

Agree with others I think a lump sum is a bad idea but pay for something monthly like her council tax/rent/big food shop etc means that no one can take anything off her and helps her out massively! She's lucky to have a lovely niece like you!

How about booking a little holiday for your aunt and her family in the UK? You can get reasonable caravan Monday to Friday breaks and this would give her something to look forward to every year.

I do a monthly online shop or do a big shop & drop it off, or take my sister grocery shopping to help her out.

Please be EXTREMELY careful re giving her money!

From your description, your aunt will be receiving benefits, who are all dependent on savings and income.
Depending on how much or how you give her that money, you could put her in a place where her benefits will stop.

I get you want to help her but you’ll have to think that one carefully, for her own sake.

I wouldn't even mention the money - keep that close to your chest. I’d suggest just keeping in mind how much you want to spend on her per month and just see what she needs.
groceries/pay for meals on wheels type thing
new washing machine
regular cleaner
new mattress and bedding
day out etc

and I would be having very very stern words with the family member that scrounges off her, maybe other family can back you up on this?

If she is on benefits, and you give her a sum of money the benefits may stop so that’s probably not a good idea.

I’d maybe offer to pay for a cleaner/gardener or similar, whatever you think she would need. Or her supermarket shop, hairdresser that kind of thing I think would be better than handing over cash to someone not good with money who may give it straight to someone else.

I think paying for dental care and an optician would be important. A podiatrist if needed and a hairstylist.

A cleaner or gardener for her home.

Taking her out for lunch or on a shopping trip. Spending time with her.

A course or regular class for her to attend.

A weekly veg box delivery.

Giving her money won't affect her benefits - you can have savings of 6k and still get benefits. Up to 16k there will be deductions

First of all thanks to you all for helping and posting your thoughtful ideas which have very much helped me

@Shadesofscarlett she wouldn’t want me to report him and she has capacity to make decisions but I agree - if I could so would! We had a chat and she says she wouldn’t do that again

@RichPetunia holiday idea lovely - i could offer but I doubt she would as she has social anxiety and her routines but yes an idea

@ComingBackHome yes I know it’s a minefield legally and personally- I will take legal advice as well as would hate to inadvertently cause her problems

@MrsKwazi yeh it’s been done but he is a erm… he is not amenable shall we say. My Aunt is trying to move to be near me and has put in for an exchange so I’ll keep more of an eye on her.

sorry I can’t answer all you lovely people - @MiddleagedBeachbum ha yes indeed but I think that horse has bolted - reminds me of a certain Philip Larkin poem

Lots to think about here thankyou all xx

How very kind you are... it's very refreshing to hear. A friend of mine was in a similar position, came into a lot of money and wanted to help an elderly relative and what she did was buy her a little house so she no long had to pay rent. The house is in my friend's name, so nobody can make the relative sell it or or anything, and she has even included a clause in her will that the old lady is to live in it until her death (in case my friend goes first). It depends on how much inheritance you got, but is this an option? I also agree that the sponging relative needs frightening off though!!

This! This is a lovely sentiment/thread, OP, and an equally lovely response, @Laura0076!

This.

Does she have a care coordinator or a social worker that you could approach for advice?