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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

DS is given lots of money. DD isn't

122 replies

Coffee999 · 10/04/2023 16:22

Hi, my son's godfather gives him £200 at Christmas and £200 for his birthday. He is 15.

My daughter, 8, has different god parents who give her a game, a book etc for Christmas and birthday.

Should we make/ask our son share this huge amount of money with his sister?

OP posts:
Wenfy · 10/04/2023 22:02

This is why you need to be careful before nominating godparents - it used to be the most important decision you could make next to chosing your spouse back in the day. They need to be from a comparative financial background with comparative ‘seriousness’ and understanding about godparent duties.

As you made the decision already - you need to live by it. Any ‘equalising‘ needs to be done by you.

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 22:04

Wenfy · 10/04/2023 22:02

This is why you need to be careful before nominating godparents - it used to be the most important decision you could make next to chosing your spouse back in the day. They need to be from a comparative financial background with comparative ‘seriousness’ and understanding about godparent duties.

As you made the decision already - you need to live by it. Any ‘equalising‘ needs to be done by you.

Their financial background is actually the least important aspect. Unless you're appointing them with an eye to what your kid's can rinse them for? Hmm

newtowelsplease · 10/04/2023 22:09

I have god children and don't differentiate between them and their siblings. I don't understand how anyone could.

To be selected as godparent you'd need to be pretty close to a family, seems fair enough to buy for all siblings equally. My DC have a god mother who takes this approach, one who buys just for the god child, and two godfathers who do and buy sweet FA.

VashtaNerada · 10/04/2023 22:09

I’m not Christian so I don’t know much about how this works but wow! £400 a year??? That in itself is an insane present for a child, but coupled with the fact that only one child gets it… Judging by the responses it’s clearly not the done thing to get the children to share but as an outsider that is definitely what I’d be doing. No way would I allow one child to have such a lavish gift. I’d be putting it into a savings account for the children to share when they’re adults. Maybe the older one could buy a small gift for themselves first that’s in line with what your younger child receives. But as I say, the responses seem to indicate that those who use godparents see it very differently!

Wenfy · 10/04/2023 22:12

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 22:04

Their financial background is actually the least important aspect. Unless you're appointing them with an eye to what your kid's can rinse them for? Hmm

Show quote history

Good thing I didn’t say that then. Or did you miss ‘comparative’ in there while on your high horse?

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2023 22:12

Tbh I think this is one of the flaws of the whole godparent concept. Unless you're religious it's basically just a stamp saying "I'm going to bother with this child", whereas if they just had a normal close friend/relative connection to them, they'd probably bother equally with both of them and this sort of thing wouldn't arise.

Wenfy · 10/04/2023 22:22

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2023 22:12

Tbh I think this is one of the flaws of the whole godparent concept. Unless you're religious it's basically just a stamp saying "I'm going to bother with this child", whereas if they just had a normal close friend/relative connection to them, they'd probably bother equally with both of them and this sort of thing wouldn't arise.

Ye this is how it works in Hinduism - if you have a duty to one you have a duty to all. But girls tend to be focussed on more due to wedding customs being from the maternal family

Singapore4 · 10/04/2023 22:28

Tbh I wouldn't allow it. I know your DD is 8 but imagine if she was 13.

I don't agree with things like this and I would speak with the godparent.

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 22:35

No! The money is your sons to do with whatever he chooses. As you say, different Godparents. Just tell him not to be 'flash' with it.

Singapore4 · 10/04/2023 22:35

VashtaNerada · 10/04/2023 22:09

I’m not Christian so I don’t know much about how this works but wow! £400 a year??? That in itself is an insane present for a child, but coupled with the fact that only one child gets it… Judging by the responses it’s clearly not the done thing to get the children to share but as an outsider that is definitely what I’d be doing. No way would I allow one child to have such a lavish gift. I’d be putting it into a savings account for the children to share when they’re adults. Maybe the older one could buy a small gift for themselves first that’s in line with what your younger child receives. But as I say, the responses seem to indicate that those who use godparents see it very differently!

I think a lot of these comments need taking with a pinch of salt. Can you imagine the sibling arguing especially if they are close in age because one has money.

Mum turns around and says you each have your own God parent. WTAF!

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 10/04/2023 22:36

No but you can give the same to your daughter yourself ? I would

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 23:15

Wenfy · 10/04/2023 22:12

Good thing I didn’t say that then. Or did you miss ‘comparative’ in there while on your high horse?

Show quote history

Why do they need to be from a comparative financial background, if it's not about what they can bring (financially) to your children's lives?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/04/2023 23:20

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 16:42

This is a real problem. The unfairness will continue. When he’s 21 they could give him £1K. What then?

I think maybe have a rule that above a certain amount it gets shared.

Why is it unfair? The children have different God Parents. One set is generous with cash, the other generous with time, they take time to choose gifts they think the child would like.
You can’t ask the boy to share his gifts with his sister. It would be different if they both had the same Godparents, yes, the difference in that case would be unfair.

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 23:54

It’s just unfair. For one kid to have a generous financial source outside the family and the other not. I’m not sure what the best thing to do is but it certainly is unfair. It would have been better to have the same godparent for
both children but that’s irrelevant now.

Like one child has a benefactor and that other doesn’t. Just feels wrong.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 00:00

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 23:54

It’s just unfair. For one kid to have a generous financial source outside the family and the other not. I’m not sure what the best thing to do is but it certainly is unfair. It would have been better to have the same godparent for
both children but that’s irrelevant now.

Like one child has a benefactor and that other doesn’t. Just feels wrong.

A benefactor... 200 quid isn't exactly a life changing amount, is it?

Viviennemary · 11/04/2023 00:01

No you shouldnt make him share. It will cause resentment.

TheCentreSlide · 11/04/2023 00:03

£200 maybe be not much to you, but he currently gets that twice a year and maybe at 18 or 21 there will be larger amounts. It’s a very uncomfortable disparity between the two kids.

whatsyourpoison12 · 11/04/2023 00:08

benefactor are you having us on 😂

do not get involved. children need to learn that they cant have everything, not everyone gets the same and life isn't fair!

if you interfered to make them share, they'll be in for the shock of their life in the real working environment.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 00:14

TheCentreSlide · 11/04/2023 00:03

£200 maybe be not much to you, but he currently gets that twice a year and maybe at 18 or 21 there will be larger amounts. It’s a very uncomfortable disparity between the two kids.

Maybe the dd's godparent will leave her their house, and the "benefactor" will leave theirs to the cats home 🤷🏻‍♀️
Will that be unfair too?

Rewis · 11/04/2023 07:15

When my god child turns 18 I'll give them about £800-1000 as a present (have been putting away a bit for report card, birthday, Xmas since they were born) but I wasn't planing on giving anything for their siblings. Should I split the money equally to three? I have zero idea what other GP's are doing.

LBFseBrom · 12/04/2023 06:37

No, Rewis. Being a Godparent is a special relationship, separate from what you may have with the child's siblings. Give him or her whatever you want.

Those saying the op should share the money between the two, that would be theft, it isn't her money, it's her childs. She could encourage him to treat his younger sibling to something she wants and then he can tuck most of it away until later. His brother or sister (or anyone else), also doesn't have to know how much money he has been given, surely. That is a private matter between him and his Godmother.

rampila · 12/04/2023 07:14

Of course it's not fair. But life isn't fair. The money is your sons. Your role is to talk to him about eg saving it sensibly, or maybe using a bit of it for a little family treat if he wants to. But it's his. Top up your DD if you can.
If the godparent is giving this much money you're right to consider there may be more (bigger cash gifts, inheritance) in the oipeline. Talk to your son and teach how to deal with money

Xarrie · 12/04/2023 07:40

No

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 07:59

Floralnomad · 10/04/2023 16:46

No . Why didn’t you use the same person for your daughter .

yesh so she should have polled all potential godparents to confirm how much they intend to give the kids in 15 years then select right?

PurpleParrotfish · 12/04/2023 08:53

I thought being a godparent was just a token thing, more about your closeness to the parents that they would choose you to play that role at the christening. And with expectations limited to an annual birthday card and maybe a basic present! It’s an artificial relationship since if you see siblings equally often there’s no reason to think you’d actually be fonder of the one you’re godparent to. But apparently giving hundreds of pounds regularly as presents is not weird. Ah well, you learn something every day on MN.