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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

DS is given lots of money. DD isn't

122 replies

Coffee999 · 10/04/2023 16:22

Hi, my son's godfather gives him £200 at Christmas and £200 for his birthday. He is 15.

My daughter, 8, has different god parents who give her a game, a book etc for Christmas and birthday.

Should we make/ask our son share this huge amount of money with his sister?

OP posts:
Somanycats · 10/04/2023 17:32

I have this concern actually. I would like to leave my adult god daughter money in my will. But how can I not leave it to her brother also? But I don't want to because if I leave it to him for no reason, it opens up the floodgates to a raft load of other young people who I have as much attachment to as him.

Favouritefruits · 10/04/2023 17:34

A specially chosen gift and book that someone has taken the time to go out and find is worth a lot more than any amount of cash.

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 17:34

Somanycats · 10/04/2023 17:32

I have this concern actually. I would like to leave my adult god daughter money in my will. But how can I not leave it to her brother also? But I don't want to because if I leave it to him for no reason, it opens up the floodgates to a raft load of other young people who I have as much attachment to as him.

One is your godchild, the other isn't. Presumably he has godparents of his own? I wouldn't see any dilemma in this.

WoodenFloorboards · 10/04/2023 17:34

You're fortunate that there's such a large age gap. If it was a couple of years it might be tricky, but 8 and 15 are very different life stages.

My godparents were family members whilst my DB's were friends of my parents, which inevitably meant that he got two extra presents at each birthday. I was slightly miffed but basically understood that it was just the luck of the draw - my parents hadn't foreseen that that's the way it would work out.

Pinkprescription · 10/04/2023 17:40

I don't think there is anything you can do.

My DSiS had godparents who gifted her a lot of money over the years, gold watches and for a 21st £15k.
By comparison I had no godparents (one died and one was estranged).

Whilst I understood that's how it worked, at times I was jealous - we have different mothers so it made me feel even more left out.

Irritateandunreasonable · 10/04/2023 17:42

Coffee999 · 10/04/2023 16:22

Hi, my son's godfather gives him £200 at Christmas and £200 for his birthday. He is 15.

My daughter, 8, has different god parents who give her a game, a book etc for Christmas and birthday.

Should we make/ask our son share this huge amount of money with his sister?

No. You can’t force him to share his money any more then someone a force you to share your birthday gifts.

If you feel so bad you make up the shortfall but you don’t put that on your son, that’s so wrong.

Alternatively have a chat with his Godparents and thank them for their generosity but ask them to stop.

Irritateandunreasonable · 10/04/2023 17:43

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 17:34

One is your godchild, the other isn't. Presumably he has godparents of his own? I wouldn't see any dilemma in this.

Show quote history

I would, 100%.

DannyZukosSmile · 10/04/2023 17:45

Legocurlers · 10/04/2023 16:47

I wouldn't be making them share. But I would be having a word with the godparents about whilst it is appreciated, it will potentially cause issues as the children get older.

This. ^

@Coffee999

Whilst I don't think your son should have to share his money, there is something inherently wrong with one child having £200 and the other having a BOOK that is probably worth less than a tenner.

Will give the girl the impression that she is less worthy/less valuable than the boy too. Also - and this is just as bad - it will make HIM think HE is more worthy than a girl/a female. I would be having a word with the boy's Godparents if it were me.

Why on earth are they giving him such a high amount of money? As a pp said, why did you not use the same people for your daughter???

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 17:47

As a pp said, why did you not use the same people for your daughter???
Why do people keep asking this? It's perfectly normal for siblings to have different godparents, why do you think it's such a scandalous breach of etiquette??

thecatsmeows · 10/04/2023 17:48

I have two brothers, and as far as I know we all have different godparents...all family members (my mother was one of 9 children). We never received anything off any of them because my narcissistic parents did a capital job of alienating both sides of their respective families before I was 10. I know I personally would have been pissed off it my brothers were getting more money/better presents than me, so it was a blessing in a way. If I'd had children of my own I wouldn't have had them baptised...so no need for godparents.

ShanghaiDiva · 10/04/2023 17:49

It is tricky. Ds was the sole beneficiary of dh’s uncle’s estate. Still going through probate but it is a considerable sum (house,investments etc) and nothing was left to dd. Not asking him to give dd anything.

GlitteryGreen · 10/04/2023 18:02

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 17:47

As a pp said, why did you not use the same people for your daughter???
Why do people keep asking this? It's perfectly normal for siblings to have different godparents, why do you think it's such a scandalous breach of etiquette??

I have different godparents to my sister but they were still either family members or close family friends, so they knew myself and my sister equally and never differentiated between the one that was their godchild and the other one in terms of presents.

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 18:15

ShanghaiDiva · 10/04/2023 17:49

It is tricky. Ds was the sole beneficiary of dh’s uncle’s estate. Still going through probate but it is a considerable sum (house,investments etc) and nothing was left to dd. Not asking him to give dd anything.

How come?

I think this sort of thing would depend on the motivation- if it was left to him out of some sort of misogynistic only boys inherit type thing, I’d be inclined to think it should be split somehow.

if it was because only ds is related to him or something like that, then I’d be ok about him solely inheriting.

Rewis · 10/04/2023 18:15

wendywoopywoo222 · 10/04/2023 17:03

You can't ask him to share but as a godparent myself I always treat my godchildrens siblings exactly the same. I thought most god parents would of.

I have three god children. I won't be starting to buy presents for 9 kids. The siblings have their own god parents

Rewis · 10/04/2023 18:16

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 17:47

As a pp said, why did you not use the same people for your daughter???
Why do people keep asking this? It's perfectly normal for siblings to have different godparents, why do you think it's such a scandalous breach of etiquette??

I've never known siblings to have the same god parents. Is this a common thing ?

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 18:20

Rewis · 10/04/2023 18:16

I've never known siblings to have the same god parents. Is this a common thing ?

Show quote history

Presumably the inference is once they realised this GP was such a gravy train for the eldest why not use them again for the second, so they could both receive big sums of money.

I have never known siblings have the same GP either. Mine don’t

Rewis · 10/04/2023 18:21

Somanycats · 10/04/2023 17:32

I have this concern actually. I would like to leave my adult god daughter money in my will. But how can I not leave it to her brother also? But I don't want to because if I leave it to him for no reason, it opens up the floodgates to a raft load of other young people who I have as much attachment to as him.

I have a few friends whose siblings have inherited a godmother. It kinda sucks that younger brother now has £££ from just being a godchild (he didn't look after her or anything like that) and no mortgage at the age of 25. But then again it's just one of those things that adults just have to accept. You can ofcourse leave something to siblings and other youngsters.

seratoninmoonbeams · 10/04/2023 18:23

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 16:26

No.

I would however be inclined to top up your DD’s savings with similar amounts if you can afford it.

Absolutely. This is what I would do if at all possible.

DarkForces · 10/04/2023 18:28

Why should your son have to pay for your decisions?

JamMakingWannaBe · 10/04/2023 18:30

What did your son receive from his Godparents at age 8?

ShanghaiDiva · 10/04/2023 18:51

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 18:15

How come?

I think this sort of thing would depend on the motivation- if it was left to him out of some sort of misogynistic only boys inherit type thing, I’d be inclined to think it should be split somehow.

if it was because only ds is related to him or something like that, then I’d be ok about him solely inheriting.

Show quote history

Both related to him. No idea why he did it. He also had several other great nieces and nephews who didn’t benefit either. At the time he wrote his will he had never met either of my dcs and only met ds a few months before he died.

LondonQueen · 10/04/2023 19:51

No! Definitely not.

lifechanginglemoncake · 10/04/2023 21:48

"I have never known siblings have the same GP either. Mine don’t."

We chose two godparents in common for our two children and one unique one each (but related to each other). This was (at least in part) because then both children would get similar levels of attention from godparents and one wouldn't feel hard done by or left out. There were other more important reasons for each godparent choice too but it was a factor.

LizziesTwin · 10/04/2023 21:58

My godmother always gave me really boring presents as a child, linked to her role as spiritual guide, junior Bible etc. I wrote good thank you letters to her and sent her birthday cards & postcards as I grew older. She came to my wedding. When her mother died she gave me and my children a substantial amount of money. I’ve never told my brother or father (my mum’s dead) as it’s none of their business. I don’t know if my brother’s godparents have done something similar as it’s none of my business.

SophiaSW1 · 10/04/2023 22:00

This wouldn't be a dilemma for me at all! I'd do nothing