Family member needs a place to live I have space but really don’t want to offer it

[bluehaze]

My cousin has been out of this country for years and not really been in touch. Now she is ill and broke and wants to come home. She is asking for cash for air fare and some money to pay off debts where she is. I think I am happy to pay for those things in the knowledge it’s not a loan.
However the difficult bit is that she will be then broke and homeless and ill so not likely to be working. I have a spare room but I am really reluctant to offer it.
This is because this cousin lived with me 15 years ago and was not easy to live with - didn’t help out, kept really late hours, was a bit of a bad influence on my kids.
Now I don’t know the nature of the illness, or anything else much but there have definitely been drugs in use throughout and I don’t want that around me.
I’d much rather help her find a place to stay but have looked at rent options and no one wants to rent to someone with no job or address in the Uk.
Has anyone had similar and found a good solution?

No, no, no. Had a similar thing with DH’s family and they took the piss and vastly overstayed their welcome.
Don’t t go there. Don’t even engage them in a conversation about it. Pull back and ignore.

Cauliflowerkorma those are good points. I had better ensure right away that there’s no expectation. I like your suggestion of framing.
And will see if I can find out more about the process of getting help.

Where is she now? She might have a better chance of finding help if she's a legal resident where she is. Why does she want to come back if she can't afford a place to live? Sounds like she might have already decided she's staying with you.

Is she a British national? She may have trouble getting benefits. Where is she coming back from? Is the UK really any better?

I wouldn't offer her a room. She sounds hard work & you are generous to even consider giving her air fare.

I don't think you need to justify it with a reason.

Honestly OP dont contact the council. You get her what she wants-over here safely and then thats it. Your job is done.

If you make all the enquiries with the council on her behalf if becomes your problem. The list will be long. But she will get emergency housing if she walks in perhaps. You might also make it worse for her by pre empting
It and making it look like she has family support. She will have to tell them she has noone to be prioritised.

If you do any research do it anonymously for your own peace of mind. Dont share the info. She needs to sort it herself.

Don't offer it! In fact, why are you giving her money to come here and pay off her debts? C'mon, stop being a mug. Just don't engage with any of this. 'Sorry, I don't have anything spare at this time.' The end.

I used to volunteer at a homeless shelter and there were sometimes situations like this - people returning from abroad with nothing. Usually the local church steps in to give them enough money for an initial week in a Travelodge or similar while they sort something else.

I think you are being kind and generous to help her return. You have good reasons not to offer her a room as well. But if she returns what happens then? Will she turn up on the doorstep? Are you strong enough to say no to her face? I think you need to be blunt, before she returns, and make it clear where your support ends. Can you do anything with your spare room so it isn’t available - have a teen staying over regularly maybe?

If you haven't heard fromher for a while are you sure it's her getting in touch now and not a scam?

@bluehaze

Other family members are not interested. And can’t or won’t help in any way. If I don’t help with the air fare she won’t even get to this country and I’m not prepared to say no to that. I dont expect to be paid Back. It’s the living situation that I dont want to be dragged in to, If she does arrive with nowhere to go how can she ask for government help? Is there a gov department to apply to?

She won't be entitled to housing or benefits if she's lived out of the U.K. for a long time This is a terrible idea unless she has a parent who is willing to take her on

The second you start trying to organise this for her is the second you will end up with her living there. No, the council and HA won't help her. If you can't grow a backbone then you can expect to have her on your hands for good. She has the measure of you.

Her reasons for returning are to heal the rift in her family which is the reason she left in the first place. All really horrible and I do feel sorry for her. And hope she’s successful. It must be awful to be out in the cold like that.

I don’t think she’ll be deliberately aiming to take advantage. But I enjoy my house and space and don’t want a repeat. I can’t tell how long it would be before she could stand in her own two feet either so I’m going to do my best to help organise accommodation not with me.

Thankyou for the links and the perspectives everyone. I don’t feel so selfish now that I’ve posted and it will be good to be able to offer practical help in the form of understanding the processes.

@bluehaze

Her reasons for returning are to heal the rift in her family which is the reason she left in the first place. All really horrible and I do feel sorry for her. And hope she’s successful. It must be awful to be out in the cold like that.

I don’t think she’ll be deliberately aiming to take advantage. But I enjoy my house and space and don’t want a repeat. I can’t tell how long it would be before she could stand in her own two feet either so I’m going to do my best to help organise accommodation not with me.

Thankyou for the links and the perspectives everyone. I don’t feel so selfish now that I’ve posted and it will be good to be able to offer practical help in the form of understanding the processes.

Look, she's trouble with the rest of her family. There's a reason for this rife. You have been told there is no practical help on hand unless you're willing to be house her, which is what's going to happen. She's been out of the country so the government's not going to bail her out or give her benefits and a home.

She came to you because she knows you'll bail her out and house her.

So they’ve only been in touch when they want something? Then they see you as a convenient cash source and potential free home for as long as they can milk it for. I might give them a small amount of money knowing that I’d never see it again and they’d never return the favour. But staying? No, not even for a few days - you know they’d still be there three months later.

Why can't she work, earn and save where she is so she can afford it?

Or better yet - why is she so broke she can't afford to get back?

@myfuckingfreezer

Why can't she work, earn and save where she is so she can afford it?

Or better yet - why is she so broke she can't afford to get back?

The OP says it's because she's ill. So what will happen is the OP is going to have to take her because she'll be on her doorstep once she finds out she can't get any benefits.

OP should get to cleaning out her spare room because it looks like her cousin will be living with her.

The nerve of it. After all that time away I am pretty sure she is not a longer a poor relative who got stranded in another country during a holiday.

The best way to help her out is to let her sort her own problems. At the end of the day, so many years out of touch tells you the exact truth: she doesn’t care about you, she just cares about what you can provide her with.

How much are we talking about a few hundred or a few thousand
I would want to see proof of the debt - I bet you any money she can’t show you proof
Anyway most people like her leaving to come back home wouldn’t worry about debt -it’s very hard to chase debts around the world .

Just don’t do it
I wouldn’t even help her with her airfare
If her own immediate family won’t help her then why should you - you are seen as the soft touch and the easy option
She won’t get much help from the council as she has not been living here for a long time
Honestly unless you want a drug addicted in debt grown up sponging off you - stay well clear .
I wouldn’t be surprised if the debt money she owes is for drugs and that’s why she is leaving

Until you mentioned drugs I thought maybe you should have her to stay for a bit.

However you have kids and the drug use would definitely be a line for me.

I am partly influenced by the fact we had my cousin live with us in our mid 20s. We didn't particularly want a lodger and he was hard work.

He passed away six years ago and I am glad in retrospect that we helped him when we could.

However your cousin needs more than you can give.

What other family does she have?

It's tricky because the council might find her not eligible (hadn't been a recent resident there, no strong ties to community) and not priority need (depending on medical?) Is there a way she could speak to Shelter regarding her housing issue.

You need to stipulate in advance that while you're lending this money (don't need to say you don't expect it back) there isn't an offer to stay with you, you will not be accommodating her. And there will be no further financial help from you.

Why are her immediate family not involved?

Why on earth are you taking this on? She'll be on your doorstep before you know it because you've got mug written all over you.

@denverRegina

Why on earth are you taking this on? She'll be on your doorstep before you know it because you've got mug written all over you.

This. Puts it best.

@bluehaze

Cross posted with your replies sorry. I agree I don’t want to be in the situation at all. I’ll make enquiries with the local council housing association. But have heard there are long waiting lists.

She will be given details of homeless accommodation. It will be grim, but she needs to go through that in order to move forwards.

She sounds to me, very much like the "give her an inch, she'll take a mile" kind of person. The inch being airfare. The mile being god only knows what.

I wouldn't personally be giving airfare but that's up to you, I would make my boundaries very clear though when it comes to accommodation though, and possibly not even tell her your address (in case she just turns up and expects her 'mile')

To clear up some questions:
She has been working for all these years but illness has now made her unable to work.
The family rift was certainly not her fault and if I was her I would have left too. The rest of her family cut her out - possibly because it was easier than dealing with the issue. But now that both her parents have died, sothe main problem has been removed. I hope she can rebuild a relationship with her siblings now. But that won't happen overnight.

For accommodation, I think now I have decided that it wont be me, then I can get going on what else she can access.

thankyou all for your insights. And helpful links and views.

I will probably post progress here. Hopefully those of you predicting that we will all be living together this time next year will not be proved right!