Family member needs a place to live I have space but really don’t want to offer it

[bluehaze]

My cousin has been out of this country for years and not really been in touch. Now she is ill and broke and wants to come home. She is asking for cash for air fare and some money to pay off debts where she is. I think I am happy to pay for those things in the knowledge it’s not a loan.
However the difficult bit is that she will be then broke and homeless and ill so not likely to be working. I have a spare room but I am really reluctant to offer it.
This is because this cousin lived with me 15 years ago and was not easy to live with - didn’t help out, kept really late hours, was a bit of a bad influence on my kids.
Now I don’t know the nature of the illness, or anything else much but there have definitely been drugs in use throughout and I don’t want that around me.
I’d much rather help her find a place to stay but have looked at rent options and no one wants to rent to someone with no job or address in the Uk.
Has anyone had similar and found a good solution?

She can't access anything besides perhaps temporary homeless accommodation unless you pay for something. She's going to live with you, OP, after you paid for her to come here and paid her debts off. She knows this. That's why she contacted you.

Where is she now, can't she sort herself there? Why come here if she has nothing anyway?

The Salvation Army would be her best bet. Especially given her reasons for coming back. They are excellent for finding a roof over someone's head, and reuniting families (though usually under different circumstances) is one of their specialities.

I'd normally recommend contacting Shelter, but when I was desperately trying to find help for someone who was within hours of homelessness, they were useless. In fairness it was the height of lockdown at the time, but even so, I found them really unhelpful.

@MiniMaxi

Don’t assume it’s a loan!

The OP has made it pretty clear she won't be lending her anything.

I'd be concerned about paying for her flights tbh, if she arrives and is asked by the council how she funded her flight back to the UK, her reply will be "bluehaze sent me the money / bought me the ticket". You may find a lightbulb goes off in terms of you being flagged as a means of support for her, whether you want to or not. And start working from your spare room, or set it up as a home working space for your children. There is no room at your inn, but I would think twice about funding her return ticket because of how that might be perceived.

The council won't be interested in her, a single person with no dependants who's been out of the UK for a while.

Wow, the usual MN willingness to believe that nobody ends up in dire straits without deserving it is strong here.

OP, I think funding the airfare is a kind thing to do, and it sounds like you're comfortable with that on the basis of a gift not a loan.

I think refusing to house her is exactly the right thing to do - you know already it won't work, and you have yourself and your family to look after as your first responsibility. I think in your shoes I would be putting my energies into preparing to continue to say no when she is here in person, maybe begging and crying. I worry that your efforts to ensure she will be housed is a way of ignoring that boundary (ie. you'll only feel able to say "no, you can't live here" if you're able to point to a feasible alternative home), which leaves you very vulnerable to making a bad decision under emotional pressure.

This is intended as food for thought rather than something you have to answer, but I wonder if you are able to step back and let her take responsibility for her own life? Your familial relationship is distant enough that this might not be relevant, but the reason I ask is because toxic relationships within families tend not to exist in isolation, so if I were you I'd want to thoroughly examine any tendencies towards co-dependency and enabling before the cousin turns up in person. I hope that doesn't cause offence, it's not meant to. I definitely see recurrent emotional scarring in my own family!

What are you going to do if she turns up at your door with nowhere to go? I wouldn't be paying for her to come home, she should have returned when she knew she wasn't going to be able to work any longer and still had money. No one is going to give her accommodation if she's out the country and she can't afford to pay for it - are you going to pay? You'll be paying forever if so.

She hasn't even told you what's wrong with her by the sounds of it, I'd at least want to know that upfront.

No. You will never get rid of her. She needs to make her own arrangements or stay where she is. She might not be entitled to benefits.

Sorry, but I think once she's here you'll be lumbered with her. How are you going to turn her away when she arrives on your doorstep? I wouldn't engage with any of it.

You will be posting in three months time asking for advice on how to get rid of her! If her closer family members won’t help, there will be a reason-you are not her backstop. If you pay her fare and debts she will end up on your doorstep. For your children’s sake grow a backbone. I’d maybe pay her debts but not the fare-she will have to sort that out as a grown adult and then it will also be incumbent on her to sort her accommodation

She would be better to try to heal the rift with her siblings from where she is, by email, phone or zoom. Then if that progresses, they might be willing to support her return to the UK.

Presumably she has accommodation and friends / colleagues where she lives now.

Arriving in a country when you have no money, job or accommodation , in poor health and with possibly no recourse to public funds is not a good plan. I think you should think very carefully before facilitating this for her.

Of course she will turn up on your doorstep, whatever you say to her about not accommodating her.

She really must not come back here without a place to live and a way to support herself or be supported. She won't pass the test for benefits at first and could end up destitute or in awful accommodation subsisting off charity.
I'm sorry but this is a problem you either take on entirely or you don't take on at all.

Have you asked her what her plans are for accommodation when she gets here? I think you need to make it very clear that your home is not an option, before she books her flight.

At least that way she knows she needs to take responsibly for having somewhere to go in the short term, or else rethink her plan, if she'd been relying on you.

She might stand more chance of finding a flat share. Maybe point her in the direction of this site?

www.spareroom.co.uk/

@osbertthesyrianhamster

She can't access anything besides perhaps temporary homeless accommodation unless you pay for something. She's going to live with you, OP, after you paid for her to come here and paid her debts off. She knows this. That's why she contacted you.

Don't say you weren't warned @bluehaze. I'd book and pay for her flight home at a stretch but I wouldn't send her a penny given her history of drug use. And I wouldn't pay off her debts either. Maybe she should be reaching out to her siblings now and time will tell if they want to heal any rifts - if they do then they might be willing to help her out financially and provide accommodation. If they don't then is there really any point in her coming home at all to nothing. Be very careful as to what assistance you are willing to offer her as you know well she will expect a lot more and probably push to stay with you. She can look up benefits, housing options etc just as easily as you can. She can make calls to see what she may be entitled to. If she knows you are doing all the leg work she'll expect you to have everything lined up for her return. But if she has to do the research she will learn that she's not entitled to much and she may realise for herself that she's best off staying where she is.

Are you sure this isnt a scam. This reads like a well known scam to me

@milkytwilight

She may find its better to stay where she is. If she's been out-of the country for years she may fail the habitual test for benefits purposes. Meaning no help with housing and no benefits.

This. I would not assume she'll be eligible for council housing, benefits or even NHS care.

Forget shelter, the housing charity that offers no housing. Sorry, but this is not your problem. Returning immigrants need to sort themselves out.

I have a lot of sympathy for her situation it’s true. I’ve been lucky that I’ve never found myself in a similar situation.
I’m happy to fund the air fare and not expect repayment.
To avoid also providing accommodation will be difficult but now that I’ve realised it’s reasonable to not want to I can look at alternatives.
I may be facilitating by doing early research but it’s also pretty hard to search for these things from abroad with no money. So again I will do the work for that.
I just need to be sure there’s no expectation that she can stay with me.
So first I’ll open the conversation.
Second I’ll ensure that all the family knows what’s likely to be needed
Third I’ll temporarily convert the spare room!
Fourth I’ll see what if anything can be provided by the Salvation Army who I know to be awesome. Thanks to a PP for that reminder.

I think you are def taking a risk but if you are happy to pay her airfare then it needs to be done with the absolute caveat that she will not be staying with you.

She needs to know that from day one and that if she takes the money and comes that she will not stay with you for even one day and she needs a plan.

If she can't even make that plan how on earth can this possibly work?
It seems inevitable to me that you will capitulate and end up housing her.

I think you have good intentions but I think they could backfire on you...

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

She really must not come back here without a place to live and a way to support herself or be supported. She won't pass the test for benefits at first and could end up destitute or in awful accommodation subsisting off charity. I'm sorry but this is a problem you either take on entirely or you don't take on at all.

I totally agree with this. Might sound harsh but I wouldn't give her the airfare, just say you can't afford it.

Make sure you buy her ticket and her arrival is at the other end of the country to you.

In fact don't even discuss it, just book the ticket and email her the details.

OP, does she understand that she won't be eligible for NHS care or council funded housing because of how long she's been out of the UK? What benefit system in there where she lives?