Family member needs a place to live I have space but really don’t want to offer it

[bluehaze]

My cousin has been out of this country for years and not really been in touch. Now she is ill and broke and wants to come home. She is asking for cash for air fare and some money to pay off debts where she is. I think I am happy to pay for those things in the knowledge it’s not a loan.
However the difficult bit is that she will be then broke and homeless and ill so not likely to be working. I have a spare room but I am really reluctant to offer it.
This is because this cousin lived with me 15 years ago and was not easy to live with - didn’t help out, kept really late hours, was a bit of a bad influence on my kids.
Now I don’t know the nature of the illness, or anything else much but there have definitely been drugs in use throughout and I don’t want that around me.
I’d much rather help her find a place to stay but have looked at rent options and no one wants to rent to someone with no job or address in the Uk.
Has anyone had similar and found a good solution?

Wont she have to go into quarantine when she arrives back.

Temporarily convert the spare room . . .

This entire thread is pointless. Once she's houses with you, she's housed. Unless you pay to move her out. She won't be eligible for benefits, she won't be eligible to be housed, she won't want to go once she's lodged with you.

You pay for her to come and house her and it becomes your problem.

It's very doubtful the family will step in to help as they're done with this.

@PineappleWilson

OP, does she understand that she won't be eligible for NHS care or council funded housing because of how long she's been out of the UK? What benefit system in there where she lives?

That, too. She won't be entitled to NHS care.

How is she communicating with you? Is it by email only. Be very careful this could be a scam.

I agree with a PP who said that if you are paying Air fare then make sure she isn’t arching right near you…and don’t arrange to meet her at the airport.

I know it’s awkward but I think you just need to be very explicit with her. “ I can pay for your air fare to return home but I cannot offer you any accommodation at all”.

Pp saying about her eligibility for help are absolutely right. She needs to find out what she is and isn’t eligible for before returning. She needs to do that…. Not you, unless there is information she can’t access from outside the country. You can help but don’t fall into the trap of doing everything for her.

www.gov.uk/guidance/using-the-nhs-when-you-return-to-live-in-the-uk
Age uk have some useful info www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/returning-to-the-uk-after-living-abroad-heading/
there are websites for expats explaining how to return. CAB may also be helpful.

I think you are being very kind and helpful. I would avoid having her live with you but I would help in as many ways as possible.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Temporarily convert the spare room . . .

This entire thread is pointless. Once she's houses with you, she's housed. Unless you pay to move her out. She won't be eligible for benefits, she won't be eligible to be housed, she won't want to go once she's lodged with you.

You pay for her to come and house her and it becomes your problem.

It's very doubtful the family will step in to help as they're done with this.

I think the OP meant ‘temporarily convert the spare room’ into something else..

Why would you do this? She's going to end up on your doorstep unable to work, not entitled to benefits or housing so you are going to end up funding her existence for the foreseeable future. She needs to explore her options both here and where she lives before making any plans.

Methinks she's returning not to heal rifts because she's burned just as many bridges over there.

It sounds harsh but here is my advice:
Do not let her crash at yours, even for one night.
Before booking the plane ticket ask her where she plans to spend her first night - and I strongly advise not booking it until she can answer.
Also, don’t pick her up from the airport (pay for a taxi if you are happy to, the idea is to avoid a guilt trip at the airport when she reveals she has nowhere to go).

Definitely see her but not at your house for the first couple of weeks or until she is established somewhere.

You sound like a very kind person

However, paying off debts in another country, seems a strange thing to do, if that person is leaving that country. I would expect them to keep that money to use when they in UK instead.

I would expect that if they are due to fly to UK, they would need to pay for a negative PCR covid test before travel & a valid passport too. Depending on what country they are flying from, they may need to quarantine or self isolate & an address would be required when completing the travel entry documentation.

Covid has changed the world for everyone, travel is not as easy as it once was.

Then you have the issue of where they will live once in UK & on what ?

IF, big IF, she took some personal responsibility, researched how she was going to support herself, where she was going to stay and laid out her plans, made some positive initial contact with her siblings (all can be done as easily remotely as they can when here) I would be more inclined to give her money for flights (not for her local debts).

Without her making solid plans, if you pay for her flights, she will show up at your door and you won't feel able to turn her away.

Yes it is hard, but she is not your responsibility, tell her to contact her siblings for support. The more you get entwined in her plans the harder it will be to say no.

Is there any update op?

Aussie here. I have my darling twin brother living with me at the moment, has come home to be with our ageing mother and family, we are early 50's. He had been a bachelor for 20 years and I am a sole parent with a daughter at 1st yr if Uni 5 hrs away but come home every 3 weeks and is currently on break. NO don't. We are very close but NO NO NO. If you help
her financially that is lovely and to emotionally and practically support her is great. Do not let her move in. You will notice the difference in your mental health very quickly.

An update for PPs who asked. I am still standing by and have set up a WhatsApp group for as many family as I can. Her mum has offered a place to stay to get started. Which is brilliant! I’m still going to pay air fare. The discussion now needs to turn to plans for self support but it’s a slow and delicate process - so much baggage and fragile emotions to be navigated.