My husband had a baby for another woman

[Beigemum]

I hate to write this but I need to get it out. I only talk to one person about it and I don't like putting all on her and nobody else knows.
Thing is that last year my husband started acting strange and I was worried because I thought he was depressed. He left the house and left me alone with the 3 kids even though he would come round every 2 to 3 days. There was no official split but he said he was unhappy and doesn't know what to do. We was still intimate and he still said he loved me dearly but just needed some space. A few months before he left I was pregnant with our 4th child. He was so upset about the pregnancy as we had money troubles and we couldn't afford another baby and even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together. He was acting very strange for a while and I knew something wasn't right. He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. He said he had told her he didn't want another family but she was determined to have the baby. I was so devastated I really contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me. He was very regretful and hated what he had done and become. I decided to get on with life and try to move on but I loved him dearly and didn't want to lose my family. He then said he wanted to try and give our marriage a go. I agreed. This was made easier for the fact that the girl did not make any contact to say the child was born and this was now 3 months down the line. Then I found out that this girl was someone I knew of and I knew liked him for a long time. But I am firstly confused why she all of a sudden doesn't want him to be involved. She has now blocked his number. He tried to call to find out about the child but she talked to him very briefly then blocked him. I actually don't care about this but I am desperately trying to get my marriage back on track and it is going well considering but struggling to come to terms with this child being out there and that she may decide to suddenly appear any time she wants. I have enough to contend with trying to move on from the hurt he has caused and it will take all my strength to forgive him and a long long time to trust in him in that way again. But to get through this I feel she needs to either stay away now or come forward and get the discussions over and done with. But there is nothing. I'm just so frustrated right now.

[AnyFucker]

It constantly amazes me just how much shit some women will eat to cling on to the cunt that has hurt them more than any other person in the world

Baffling

[Goingtobeawesome]

I don't think it's as black and white as that.

The Op has decided to stay. She should be given support, not criticism.

[SallyGinnamon]

OP. If you think it's worth fighting for your marriage then do so and ignore the naysayers. In any other area of life people would be allowed a cock up but not in this it seems.

I don't believe that if my DH had a short affair with someone that was the same sort of thing as my friend's DP that it would automatically be the end of my marriage. There's more than just sex to think about. There's the whole family structure. My parents and my in-laws and I all get on very well. There are the DC to think about. All our friends. If it was a huge, much regretted mistake; a moment of madness that all parties want to move on from, then why should everyone on here wasn't to discourage them?

One mistake doesn't mean that there have been others in the past, nor more in the future.

The very best of luck OP. I hope you manage to work things out. It sounds like you are both prepared to give it your best shot.

[Beigemum]

Bordersarethebest thankyou so much for your encouraging words. It's a hard situation and I'm not sure that all women in this situation would actually leave the OH so easily. Yes there is alot to think about including my own children who I really would like to grow in a loving family environment which is something me and my husband can offer. I knew that people's reactions would be somewhat negative as it's a situation that provokes anger and upset in most women so I'm not fazed by it. I just wanted an outlet and for at least one other person other than my friend to say it's actually ok to try again and that I'm not a fool for doing so. I don't know how it will turn out. For me I guess whether I can deal with it and whether I stay all depends on what he does now. How he behaves, if he shows the affection, honesty, openness and appreciation for me that I would expect of someone that is truly sorry and wants his marriage to work because as much as I love him I won't try for someone that is not committed or making me feel good about myself and my life with him. I do think everyone makes mistakes, some small and insignificant and some massive life changing ones. It's not so much about the mistakes you make but more about what you do to rectify those mistakes that count and this is how you will eventually be judged. I am more likely to respect a person that says I done wrong and I screwed up but I have fought to make every effort to eliminate some of the hurt that my mistake caused and will give everything and anything to try and right the wrong somehow than someone that just accepts they done wrong but tries to brush it under the carpet and makes very little or no real effort to rectify it. If it was me that screwed up this bad I would bend over backwards to do whatever to dull the pain because I would be that sorry, ashamed and regretful for what I done. I just want the same level of consideration. Right now I'm putting some faith in him that he will do the right thing by me first and foremost and we as a married couple can then be in a strong and good position to ensure we do right by this child whatever that is.

[Beigemum]

But definitely not a thing will be done and not a penny paid nor any time invested without a DNA test done. I'm not that stupid although he really is at times.

[SallyGinnamon]

Well said beigemum. The very best of luck.