My husband had a baby for another woman

[Beigemum]

I hate to write this but I need to get it out. I only talk to one person about it and I don't like putting all on her and nobody else knows.
Thing is that last year my husband started acting strange and I was worried because I thought he was depressed. He left the house and left me alone with the 3 kids even though he would come round every 2 to 3 days. There was no official split but he said he was unhappy and doesn't know what to do. We was still intimate and he still said he loved me dearly but just needed some space. A few months before he left I was pregnant with our 4th child. He was so upset about the pregnancy as we had money troubles and we couldn't afford another baby and even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together. He was acting very strange for a while and I knew something wasn't right. He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. He said he had told her he didn't want another family but she was determined to have the baby. I was so devastated I really contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me. He was very regretful and hated what he had done and become. I decided to get on with life and try to move on but I loved him dearly and didn't want to lose my family. He then said he wanted to try and give our marriage a go. I agreed. This was made easier for the fact that the girl did not make any contact to say the child was born and this was now 3 months down the line. Then I found out that this girl was someone I knew of and I knew liked him for a long time. But I am firstly confused why she all of a sudden doesn't want him to be involved. She has now blocked his number. He tried to call to find out about the child but she talked to him very briefly then blocked him. I actually don't care about this but I am desperately trying to get my marriage back on track and it is going well considering but struggling to come to terms with this child being out there and that she may decide to suddenly appear any time she wants. I have enough to contend with trying to move on from the hurt he has caused and it will take all my strength to forgive him and a long long time to trust in him in that way again. But to get through this I feel she needs to either stay away now or come forward and get the discussions over and done with. But there is nothing. I'm just so frustrated right now.

you need to stop focusing on what she's done and focus on what your dh has done

^^ this - your DH chose to behave this way he choose to cheat with her.

He's bullied and manipulated you into a termination and tried to do the same to her. You are now living with a ticking time bomb which will go off at some point.

You deserve better than this and are worth so much more. I think you need to protect yourself from the fall out of this mess, it's his creation not yours. No matter what you do now to improve your marriage it can instantly unravel from one phone call from the OW.

There's just something very uncomfortable about the way you're describing this woman as wanting no contact and your husband seemingly giving up after one phonecall? I know you wish that this had never happened, but it has and it would be very disturbing to me if my DH was able to move on in the knowledge that he had a child who he wasn't able to see. Whatever the situation with the mother, your husband should be doing everything to get contact established with his baby. I could never love a man who washed his hands of his own child, but he is coming across as being relieved that his ex is 'letting him off the hook' which is quite grotesque really when you're talking about a baby.

I just don't get why she would almost rip a family apart

It seems that you're seeing the OW as some manipulative temptress that somehow managed to get a baby from your husband. I appreciate it's much easier to see things that way given you want to keep your family together, but your husband did decide to have sex with her.

You don't know what he told her, or whether you would have ever found out about his affair had she not ended up pregnant.

He might have told her that you two weren't together any more, or that you were in the process of separating. It sounds from your OP that he had moved out (albeit unofficially), so this may have sounded quite plausible to her. Was he living with her when he moved out?

The wanting no more contact at the suggestion of DNA tests, the boyfriend he didn't know about and the fact that your husband has pledged financial support etc. all lend credence to my theory that the baby isn't his. Again, assuming there really is a baby.

If you want to stay married that's completely your choice but make sure you aren't the one doing the majority of the work. I'd also suggest putting money aside for the child.

They was not in a relationship and he didn't live with her. Let me also clarify, he didn't just try to call her once. He tried on many occasions and so did I. We have tried on different phones but she won't answer at all. We have now discussed just turning up at her door forcing her to speak up but not sure if it's the best option right now as I'm still very angry and don't want to cause an argument at her door (I'm too old for that). But he doesn't want to go there without me as to not to upset me. He is 100% willing to face this. And please also don't get me wrong. I do not only blame this woman. I hate everything she represents in our lives but I don't only blame her. HE CAUSED THIS. And both I and him knows this and he faces that on a daily basis. He will hold me when I get angry and scream at him. He cries with me when I cry, he allows me to say the most disgusting things to him sometimes when I feel hurt, we talk and talk and talk. He calls me throughout the day to make sure I'm ok. He tells me all the time how special and beautiful I am and how much he loves me and that none of this has anything to do with me and that he will take it all until it's better. He is showing that he regrets his actions and that's why it makes it easier to try to forgive and work on it. I just hate feeling so bad. I don't want to ruin it if it actually starts to get better

Has he seen her obviously pregnant? How do you know there is actually a baby?

Maybe the woman concerned had the exact same pressure to terminate as you did OP. So, her not informing him of the birth would make sense. Now he wants DNA tests etc.

He's lead two woman along a merry dance. He's the issue here. Can you honestly see yourself moving past all that has happened? By the sounds of things he's brought you to your knees.

I would take a step back and think about what happens next. It takes two to work on a relationship and he doesn't sound invested in this OP. Sorry if its not what you want to hear.

He didn't see her pregnant. He said that if she needs him to call but other than that to let him know when the child is born so they can discuss contact and money etc... she just never called and I found out the baby was born so he called her to confirm. Then she blocked him off. At the time he called he was at work so couldn't discuss and said he'd call later but she blocked.

I would let her be. By the sound of things she isn't ready to deal with him yet. You don't know what's been said between them OP? So both of you rolling up won't be helpful in the slightest.

I'd imagine the birth has already been registered without his name. Meaning he has no parental responsibility. Unless, he went through the courts? He has no rights. That said, the OW can still claim maintenance for the child. He would have to prove that he wasn't the father.

Try looking at it from her viewpoint. He leaves you, most likely lived with her. She becomes pregnant. He tries to pull the same shit he did with you. She has no of it. Decides to go it alone. He comes back to you tail between his legs (all the while still having his cake and eating it prior to returning) ...

What would you do if you were her?

What are you thinking? He manipulated you into aborting your baby, but had a baby with another woman! Now you have focused on her because of 'what she represents to your marriage'!
Your 'd' h has behaved like a colossal shit and you're trying to work on your marriage? Why? What example are you setting for your dcs?
You deserve someone who treats you with respect and loves you enough to stay faithful, and you can trust. Someone who wants to be with just with you, that you would be enough.

As hard as it is, I don't think many marriages could survive this in the long term, focusing the anger at the OW and painting a picture of her as this evil woman stealing your husband away is inaccurate and she didn't ruin your family or cheat on you HE did. Although I can understand feeling like this may make you feel better about DH in the short term if you want to stay together.

I had a close friend who split with her DD's father who was about 18 months and the time, they seemingly were working through their issues but it came out he had a one night stand and she was pregnant. My friend eventually took him back whilst giving the impression to us that she was this awful woman who just wanted a baby etc. After the baby was born she seemingly supported her DP to blank the baby out of their lives and 4 years on its as if it 'never happened' I often see the little boy around the city and it seems very cruel that he is being denied a father and a sister because his mother is painted as the bad guy. Please don't do this the children are the innocent ones.

I disagree with mrsgoldberg. People can have a midlife crisis, a moment of madness or whatever. And don't underestimate what a powerful emotion lust can be. It's a form of madness in itself. But it passes and people can't believe what they'd risked for a few months of madness.

Nothing is black and white. People can do extremely stupid things but it doesn't have to mean that your marriage is over. As long as you can communicate and he is prepared to let you take as long as you need to reestablish things. The fact that he is doing that now is a good start. Don't let him ever tell you it's time you were over it though. Only you know how long that will take.

Borders, I do think in black and white! I do try hard to see the shades of grey in between.

No the thing is.. they was never together. I had previously spoken to this woman and no matter what had or had not been said she knew that we was still a couple. She knew we had a few issues before but knew we was together. It's a long story and hard to explain in one go but they was not an item ever although she liked him for some time. They also did not live together. They just slept together. Although he left the house he was never not in contact with me throughout the night and I was able to see him any time I needed to although his work commitments makes that difficult so believe me holding down any relationship would have been impossible with anyone else. She may have decided against any contact with him after knowing he didn't want to be with her but he didn't even question being the father or deny legal responsibility. So although I understand that she may have her reasons to not have him involved and he by no means has behaved right. But believe me when I say, she has no right to behave like the injured party in this. She knew what she was doing and who she was doing it with. She just hoped for a better outcome and got annoyed that she couldn't have it. My issues with my husband and my anger with my husband are very much deserved and I have a right to feel as I do. She has no right. I'm so mad with both of them it hurts so much. But I have accepted and he has accepted and I will try but just so frustrated at the moment

Mrsgoldberg

I'm completely with Beverley on this. You still view your husband as a good person. From the outside, in my opinion, to treat his wife in the way he's treated you makes him absolutely not a good person at all and an even worse husband.

Mid life crises don't excuse what he did. He messed you around and kept you in the dark for months, talked you into having an termination whilst knowing he had another woman pregnant (do you think this might have been a major factor in why he insisted on you having a termination? That he couldn't afford for you to have a child, in which case, why didn't he use protection with both of you?). Have you been tested for STI's? He's jeopardised not only your marriage but your health too.

If he had been open and honest, discussed what was going on with him and actually left you, then you reconciled after all this, I would advise working on things and getting counselling if you really want it to work. As it is, with the way he drifted in and out of your life selfishly getting two women pregnant when he couldn't afford to have more children, basically serving his own needs whilst making you feel suicidal, I can only say LTB.

Don't go round to the OW's house. That's the worst thing you could do. She has every right to call the police if you turn up and start shouting and acting aggressively towards her.

You don't know what lies your husband span to her or what their relationship was. The fact that she wants nothing to do with him is very telling, along with your husband not wanting you to go alone. I abhor cheats, I wouldn't do it nor stay in a relationship with a cheating man, but I don't blame the woman for not answering the phone or wanting anything to do with him or you.

The baby might be his, it might not be. You can't force her to confirm this or communicate with you, and you can't force her to stay away. Your husband brought this to your door, not her. She isn't blameless but the impact on your relationship is solely the fault of your husband.

This is THE THEME isnt it?

I totally get that this is his doing and like I said believe me he is being made to feel every bit of hurt and upset this has created. Just to clarify, my termination was a year prior and has nothing directly to do with the situation, however it is heartbreaking as I wanted that child and he has been so careful not to conceive all this time so then to have this woman have his child is devastating for me. Also she wanted to be with him for years. We all knew that. This woman didn't reject him at all until he rejected her and said basically that he's sorry it happened and their friendship should never had crossed that line and he loves and wants his family. Only then did she reject him. He was good enough for her to drag away from his kids (and don't forget she's been trying for ages) but when she finally got what she wanted and he said he doesn't want to leave his wife and kids she thought it ok to lock him off. Don't get me wrong, her going away is great in my eyes but I will not and can not ignore the fact that there is a child floating around that belongs to him and neither can he. I too would never have thought I'd ever stay in a relationship with a cheat, however the reality of it is that we have been together for over 12 years. We have 5 kids in total, he spent about a year and a half being a complete and utter dickhead but spent 10 and a half years being almost perfect as both a husband and a father. We was always so close and our household was always full of happiness and laughter mostly. Our children love their father and we all love our family unit. He got bored, he let other stresses get to him, he had a mid life crisis, he just wanted a bit of something different, his head got turned, truth is I have no idea why he did it and it could be a combination of reasons but he knows he was wrong. He loves and wants me and his children. In such a situation I am not so sure many others would just quit on it. It's not that easy.

It really must be so hard for you
Knowing he had an affair is bad enough but having a constant reminder of it adds to the heartbreak and if DNA proves him to be the father this will mean they will forever be in each others lives is this something you could accept and handle? Only you know whether you can truly forgive and move on.

So she blocked him and he has since done nothing to confirm this is DC and pay maintenance and see the DC?

That's really shit. Hard as it is for you, he's a parent to another DC, your DCs' sibling, and the DC deserves a father that cares about them as much as his other DC.

On top of everything, there is no way I'd even consider remaining in a relationship with a man that avoided his parental responsibilities like this.

Ahh. I see. Sorry, I read it like you were both pregnant at the same time.

It obvious it is so hard and painful for you.

I think the overriding issue for me would be how someone who says they love me could treat me like that. That would make them a different person in my eyes, if that makes sense? It was a sustained period of time he was acting differently with you, not just a one off drunken incident. I would be worried about it ever happening again down the line.

I would definitely say find some good couples counselling since you absolutely don't want to separate. And I think you need to find a way to release the anger you have for the OW to move on with your life and relationship

Surreyblah.. he has tried to contact her on several occasions and he is more than willing to support this child financially and emotionally. This has not come into question. He hasn't gone chasing this woman down because of how hurt I currently am and still doesn't know what to do for the best when she doesn't want no contact or so it seems. He hasn't avoided his parental responsibility. He's an huge idiot and a cheat and there's a lot of very nasty things I could call him right now but he did want to at very least support this child. This was her choice not to contact. Yes I won't lie it does suit us better for the moment because it gives us some time to fix us but we are not hiding from the fact that she has basically given birth without telling him, got baby registered without telling him and locked him off when he has tried to contact her. She didn't answer the phone at all and we tried from various numbers. He will try again because we need answers. And as far as the sibling thing goes, this although would be lovely, reality is that it's not necessary for now for my young children to know anything until we know for sure. Why would I do that to them

Jeff Jarrett I agree that this is the question that I have battled with. But when you look at it as he has shown nothing but love other than that time and mostly during a time when he screwed up and this pregnancy was hanging over his head. I am talking about probably the most loving and supportive and lovely man I have ever met. Even since everything has been out in the open and we have decided to give it another go he has shown in many ways just how much love he has for me. It makes it easier to see that actually it's not that he doesn't love me. He was stupid and I don't think he will do it again because the effects on him seeing what he had done to me was heartbreaking also although I didn't care less as he deserves it all and worse lol.. but honestly, it's hard for others to understand because it is in some ways for many a black and white issue. But when they have had what we have had for so long it becomes less black and white and more grey with pink spots. It's a difficult situation and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy while trying to deal with this. I guess on an everyday occasion I can't go around being angry because I got children and I got to function so this just gives me an outlet so I don't completely lose it.