My husband had a baby for another woman

[Beigemum]

I hate to write this but I need to get it out. I only talk to one person about it and I don't like putting all on her and nobody else knows.
Thing is that last year my husband started acting strange and I was worried because I thought he was depressed. He left the house and left me alone with the 3 kids even though he would come round every 2 to 3 days. There was no official split but he said he was unhappy and doesn't know what to do. We was still intimate and he still said he loved me dearly but just needed some space. A few months before he left I was pregnant with our 4th child. He was so upset about the pregnancy as we had money troubles and we couldn't afford another baby and even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together. He was acting very strange for a while and I knew something wasn't right. He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. He said he had told her he didn't want another family but she was determined to have the baby. I was so devastated I really contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me. He was very regretful and hated what he had done and become. I decided to get on with life and try to move on but I loved him dearly and didn't want to lose my family. He then said he wanted to try and give our marriage a go. I agreed. This was made easier for the fact that the girl did not make any contact to say the child was born and this was now 3 months down the line. Then I found out that this girl was someone I knew of and I knew liked him for a long time. But I am firstly confused why she all of a sudden doesn't want him to be involved. She has now blocked his number. He tried to call to find out about the child but she talked to him very briefly then blocked him. I actually don't care about this but I am desperately trying to get my marriage back on track and it is going well considering but struggling to come to terms with this child being out there and that she may decide to suddenly appear any time she wants. I have enough to contend with trying to move on from the hurt he has caused and it will take all my strength to forgive him and a long long time to trust in him in that way again. But to get through this I feel she needs to either stay away now or come forward and get the discussions over and done with. But there is nothing. I'm just so frustrated right now.

[Underthemoonlight]

OP you putting yourself brought a lifetime of misery it's not something I could come back from if my dh did this.

[Underthemoonlight]

Through"

[Benedikte2]

FWIW OP I think there's another man on the scene who is either the father , thinks he's the father or who is prepared to father the child provided the biological father is not on the scene. Hence the blocking because the OW does not want him to have contact with DH or yourself.
If your DH does not want any more children how come he didn't use protection when he was cheating? Was the OW wanting to become pregnant? Maybe she wanted a baby irrespective of whether your DH would support her?
If you want to remain with your DH just forget about the whole thing or it will destroy your relationship

[Miserylovescompany2]

Where did he live when he wasn't coming home? Did she (OW) really do all the chasing? Because somewhere along the line he allowed himself to be caught...

Why is it now "WE" need answers? A child has been created between him and her. He needs to do the right thing. Whether that's putting money aside, or attempting to see the child on his own. I think you need to take a step back from that part. Plus, are you 100% sure that he's telling you the truth? This number you've been trying to contact, is it even hers?

Two women have the right to feel wronged here. One man NEEDS to grow a pair and step up to the plate.

It's strange how you say it suits you both better that there is no contact? Or is that what he wants you to think. This way, it's all about the two or you? I bet you haven't been given all the facts??

Be very careful before you lose yourself in the midst of this. I don't think he's the man you thought he was...

[Bluntness100]

Can uou find out what's on the birth certificate as the father? Usually these are public record and he could maybe find out.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

The fact he basically coerced you into an unwanted termination then soon after was irresponsible and self-absorbed enough to have unprotected sex to create another child is something I could not forgive.
What. A. Selfish. Bastard.
I wouldn't be taking him back, "loving father" or not. He was happy enough to be spreading that loving around without a care of how it would affect ALL your futures including the innocent children. He's a selfish cunt.

[Longislandicetee]

Beigemum when you say But when you look at it as he has shown nothing but love other than that time and mostly during a time when he screwed up it just seems that you are minimalising what he has done. That "one" time isn't a small screw up, and it wasn't a one off period of time. He coerced you into having an abortion, mentally distanced himself from you, walked out (presumably leaving you to cope with 3 young children?) and had unprotected sex with another woman. If you're going to stay with him and ever hope to be happy in the ling term you need to acknowledge that this is what he did. Minimalising it or saying how saying how sorry he is now and how much he loves you now doesn't and shouldn't detract from a cold hard look at how he behaved and what he did to you.

[Middleoftheroad]

OP I know we may sound black and white, but it sounds like you were pressured into a termination. This is a huge emotional thing on it's own, let alone then gettting somebody else pregnant. You are far more forgiving than I am and I would urge you to seek counselling. you've had too much to handle. I'm sorry but I cannot feel any positive thoughts for your DH so please don't live your life overshadowed by his decisions. I speak from experience and don't mean to sound harsh.

[Elianna]

Op you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour, it's damaging your self-esteem. Please get some help and then tell him where to go.

[Therealloislane]

So he'd be happy to financially support a child another woman had, but pressurised you into aborting yours?

He's a keeper.

[Surreyblah]

Those are excuses: a decent bloke would be both seeking to repair his relationship and pursuing legal resolution to paternity/access/maintenance.

[caffelatte100]

Really sounds like this baby may not be his... or, at the least, the OW is not sure.

[hippyhippyshake]

You said in your op that you either want this woman to stay away or to discuss the future. But she is staying away by not contacting you. I don't think that you can dictate the terms, she may not feel up to thrashing out money/contact etc yet, she may never want to, she may just want to move on, she may contact you at a later date. You can't force her to do what you want unfortunately.

[Underthemoonlight]

Regardless op if he's been good the first 10years the behaviour and disrespect he has shown you 1st by leaving you to attend to the DC clearly he wasn't that upset as he had sex with another woman resulting in pregnancy. 2nd pressuring you have had abortion, no decent bloke would behave in this way. He has the morals of an alley cat. This will no go away it will be in the back of your mind as it clearly indicates in your OPs that you won't get past this you want to make the woman the villain. You could carry on and several years this child might come into your lives how will you cope? How will your DC cope?

[Beigemum]

I have no idea. I don't know if we will make it through. I don't know if i can repair what's been broken, I don't know anything anymore. But I will refuse to ever show any pity for this woman regardless of what he may have told her. She knew he was married and as far as I'm concerned you just don't mess with someone's husband. It's wrong so she will always be the villian just as much as he will always be the rat. I suppose the difference is that I have no connection with her. She has never brought anything else to my or my kids lives other than misery. I've got years with him to consider. He may not have considered it when he did what he did but for the sake of my family and my kids I need to figure out what's right. I know some much judge me or assume I'm a weak woman for wanting to try but I could not be happy without knowing that I tried to forgive and keep my marriage and family together. I'm not fearful of being alone and starting again. I'm not a bad looking woman with a lot to offer but I need to try first

[Miserylovescompany2]

He knew he was married. It takes two to tango...

Maybe it's easier to lay all the blame at her feet. She didn't act alone though.

You do what you feel is right, just don't lose even more of yourself in the process.

You didn't instigate any of this, yet, you get to deal with the aftermath and the unanswered questions.

[Beigemum]

Thankyou. I think that people may have me wrong. I am not one of these women that only blame the woman and dismiss the man's play in it all. I'm not foolish. I know that he has an amazing amount to answer for a over time he will need to pay for the hurt he's caused. There will be no hiding away from it for him. She on the other hand can hide away. He is the one that had the loyalty to me after all and he will always be the cheating rat. But this will never take away the fact that this woman is an awfully pathetic excuse for a woman and a nasty piece of work. As a woman I could and would not go after another woman's husband and bare a child for him. I do think women that do this are the lowest most selfish kind. Marriage is tough enough without these women going around willfully destroying families. But none of this takes away from the crappy low life actions of my husband and any man that cheats on his wife.

[Surreyblah]

You dislike the OW that much but are fine with her raising your (if proven) H's DC, your DCs' sibling, and not to question your H ignoring his Responsibilities

[Surreyblah]

She was shit, but he was the married one.

[Miserylovescompany2]

I sincerely hope you don't regret your decision to stand by him. Because, once the trust has gone you'll find yourself questioning everything. Did he only stray once? Did he only tell you because there was a child created? Or did he tell you because the OW forced his hand? Did he want to continue with her always being the OW? Did he come back tail between legs because she told him to do one???

As long as you despise this woman, you'll always have a blinkered view of him. He is the one betrayed you.

He has somehow managed to turn himself into the injured party. He was chased, he was going through a mid-life crisis, she's stopped him from seeing his child. Can you not see what he's doing OP? He's shifting the blame from himself. So he isn't taking responsibility for his actions. He's just been a VERY manipulative poor excuse of a so-called-married-loving-husband!

[Longislandicetee]

Misery is spot on OP.

[badabing36]

Op please just think about how you could afford to be on your own with 3 kids.

Start making plans, save some money, look for more hours at work etc. Because you may end up a single parent despite all the work your doing now. I don't want to upset you but realistically, he left once, he could leave again at any time.

[Beigemum]

I get what you're saying guys. I really do. But he is not and has not made out to be the injured party. He has taken all the blame and hadn't denied anything. I'm not making excuses for him but I have to be honest and he has done all those things as mentioned and he has broken my heart and yes he could do it again same as any other man I meet down the line could. He is not the perfect man I once knew. The relationship has been tainted. But I will not say that he's now somehow trying to act the injured party or deny his blame and once again he also hasn't denied this child to the point where he is actually saying he may need to go to her house if she doesn't respond so he can find out if it's his and is happy for me to come to show that all he has said is true. He is willing to prove it was not a relationship and that it was a one time mistake and isn't hiding anything. I don't have blinkers on and yes I have alot of animosity towards a woman that slept with my husband and I do put some blame on her but not all and probably not nearly as much as him. I don't like her and never will and I have every right to be angry with her. I don't think there's a married woman on this earth that wouldn't be bloody pissed in this situation. But I cannot keep saying that this does not mean I don't hold him responsible and that I have blinkers on when it comes to him. All I have said about him is to give an explanation as to why I would want to try and that's all. Like I said it may work out or it may not and I will be ok and get on with life either way. Nobody knows what may happen and I did think that people don't get past this but I have seen and know of couples that have been through some awful things and have come through the other side and I'm truly hoping I am one of them. If not then I'll move on but this girl is trash in my opinion and will always be seen that way. And as long as my husband can be transparent and prove to me he is not lying even if that means both of us going to see her then we at least have a chance. Also I did not choose for her to parent my children's sibling. I would be the choice of parent for any sibling to my kids. I will never accept this woman. I will accept the child exists and if necessary we will need to provide something for this child but that is as far as it goes. But anyway, my marriage comes first and my family comes first and I'm not sure how this child fits into that if at all. I will not be pushed aside in this and neither of them is getting off easy in this.

[ChishandFips33]

He pressured you in to a termination because of financial issues and then fathered a child to another woman where the financial burden could end up higher!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this OP

I have no more advice than has already been given other than to say focus on you and your children.

You have been wounded in several ways and need time to heal

What he has done can never be undone. Whether you can move forward with him is something only you can decide in time

[toptoe]

well, there is not much you can do now.

1. get a dna test and factor in child maintenance. this is for the child, no matter what dickish circumstances their life began in.
   

1. tell your dc who their sibling is so that they don't have a relationship with them later on. siblings who reproduce can give dc conditions due to similar genes.
   

1. they both fucked up but this dc is not a mistake. they exist and deserve respect. the mum may have observed what a twat he was being to you and decided not to have anything to do with him, or he may well have pressured her into an abortion too and she can't forgive this.