An urgent abortion dilemma...

[LittleMissInAPickle]

Hello. I'm sorry for the essay and not sure if this is an appropriate or right place to post about this.
I found out I was pregnant when I was only 4 weeks, and decided not to tell my bf and quietly have a termination. It was totally unplanned and we had been going through a pretty rough time so I just thought it best to quietly let it go. I knew he would want the baby, inspite of problems he's always been very pro family/babies and kids adore him.. and I didn't want to break his heart so I thought it was kinder not to tell him. I felt very sure and fine with the decision.
On the day of the termination I was relaxed and calm and was in the waiting room at the centre, but suddenly went into excruciating tummy pain and got rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I had to call my bf and in the emergency room tell him I was pregnant, as we didn't know what was wrong. They found an enormous about to burst cyst on my ovary in tortion (twisted). I had to have emergencey keyhole surgery. They said I might lose my ovary/both ovaries/the baby. Afterwards, my ovaries were saved and they said the baby had survived. They said I needed to start putting hormone pessaries up me to help the baby/placenta as the operation had affected it.
We came home stunned by it all and I felt so ill/overwhelmed.
My bf leapt into gear and has been really wonderful. He said it was up to me. And was very kind. He has been very depressed for a long time, to the point where it was very hard for both of us, but suddenly he jumped into action.
After a week I rang to make another termination appointment and they said it would be another two weeks for a consultation..( I have to go through the hospital because of the operation. ) So, we carried on for 2 weeks..
I am an actress and had been rehearsing for a new play. I had to go back to open the show, whilst being exhausted/in pain from the surgery and secretly sick as a dog with pregnancy. I have been performing every night. It's been a nightmare snd stressful.
I went to my consultation and booked the termination.. The earliest would be ANOTHER two weeks.. So I have carried on for 5 weeks in total since the initial appointment to terminate. Carried on with manually giving the baby the hormones and learnt how to cope with morning sickness etc... They said I would miscarry if I didn't do the hormones and I didn't want to have it happen on the middle of the show..
And my poor bf has been going through all of this too. And I daily have been switching between not wanting it and thinking "just get this thing OUT of me" to looking at my man and wanting to say "yes! let's do it!" I've been all over the place.  Sigh. What a mess. I feel ashamed for being such a mess.
Tomorrow is the day for termination. I am 10 weeks now.. I can't believe it. I would never have wanted it to be so far along. I feel dreadful. And basically I am overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't want a baby yet. We have no money, really no money, we are both actors, we are living in chaos, he has depression, I am on the edge of my career beginning to finally take off and am excited about work that is coming up, and we had been having such a bad time... And yet this whole thing has brought us together, he has been so wonderful, has really shown me he is able to step up when he needed to.. In the darkest of moments he has made me laugh and been my friend. He has made me love him and be thankful for him even more. But he wants to have the baby and is beginning to sink into sadness.. If I terminate I will break his heart and possibly ruin our relationship. I am a bad person. If I have the baby my career/acting will be put on hold and it really is not an easy thing to juggle. I have seen it with other actor friends.  And it is my life/passion. I have had a pretty rough time over the years family wise (dad died in car crash as tennager and mum severly manic depressive and not really been a mum at all) and I have worked so hard for so long to get myself somewhere, and now finally things are beginning to happen for me. I've been on a rollercoaster for so long and finally was finding my feet. Now I feel like it's out of control again. I just feel so selfish and guilty and trapped. Totally trapped.
I so much want to be a mummy one day and I melt around babies, everyone says we'd be great parents, I know more than ever now that I do want to have a family with my bf and know we would be a great team, but this just feels like completely the wrong time.
BUT, I just don't feel as certain as I did 6 weeks ago when I was quietly going to terminate without a word to anyone. Now  I am hurtling towards a termination and suddenly am terrified of ruining things. I feel a selfish horrible confused wreck. I know no-one can make this decision for me. But if anyone has any experience or similar situations, I would be hugely grateful. 

[TheMonster]

When I was pregnant and worrying about money, a wise lady said to me that there will never be the 'right time' - you will always have not enough money/a job to worry about/ a small home etc etc. She was right! DS is now 5 and a half
As my mum says, what's for you won't go by you.

[SoupDragon]

Congratulations and good luck :)

[ButtonBoo]

FWIW it sounds like you've done the right thing. Having doubts about a termination and going through with it has massive and often surprising consequences. It's scary, having a baby and yes, life will never be the same. But it's a crazy, wonderfully exciting adventure. Yes, it's challenging (I'm sure you've read some other threads on here?!) but the rewards are immense. I love my DD with all my heart and from the minute she was born I knew I'd do anything to protect her.
DP and I kept saying 'when we move house', 'after I change my job', 'when we saved more £', DP got made redundant, I got promoted, we were considering a big move away etc etc and we just realised that we could keep coming up 101 reasons to keep putting it off. There was never going to be a perfect time as we kept saying 'next year, next year'. Then we just went for it (excuse the pun!) and I was of in 2 wks.
I hope you can start thinking what a wonderful life you will have as a family... Congrats!!!

[showtunesgirl]

OP how is it going?

Just to say that I have a DD and also am in the same line of work as you and so far I've not found it a problem at all. :)