Helping out

[Firstdaughter65]

My elderly parents refuse to ask my brothers, their sons to help once a month with the shopping errands. I’ve done my parents shopping now for a few years. I suggested this to my brothers in the beginning to help them both too, and I have been fine doing it until this past month or so. My sister helps and does one week a month. My siblings all work full time but I’m retired as is my husband. It’s all getting too much for me at the moment and I do other jobs for my parents also. Basically I feel I’m doing the bulk of the care. I’ve recently asked for help from my brothers suggesting we now have a rota where we all four take a turn each week. One brother ignored my message and the other brother said his Saturdays are busy and he likes time for himself on Sundays?? I’ve explained to my elderly parents the situation and my mum refuses to ask my brothers to help me as she says it will cause falling out. My mum also keeps appointments from them and only asks myself and sometimes my sister for help with these. Myself and my sister don’t drive but our husbands do therefore this falls on them. They both no longer have their parents. Both my brothers drive. It’s really upsetting me and I feel used. I too have a life and am a busy person myself. I love my parents deeply but can not get it over that it’s making me ill running up my own backside. I really don’t know how to resolve this other than refusing to do the shopping for a while forcing my mum to ask for help from my brothers. I should not be the one asking for help surley? it should be my parents doing this? Look forward to any advice please x

Op I think you will have to step back and let your brothers deal with stuff. If your parents won't ask for their help then they need to get the shopping delivered maybe?

Tell your parents your busy going forward and to ask your brothers.

Personally, I’d have “flu” for a few weeks and be unable to do anything. Have your husband screen calls and say that you are unwell and he is busy helping you and keeping things at home running so there is no capacity and to tell your parents to ask your brothers.

You need to be firmer with your parents. Tell them they’re not being fair or kind expecting you and your sister to do everything while your brothers do nothing.

I got into a situation a little like that with my mother and brother. I told him I was exhausted, she’d need to go into care if he didn’t step up, and it would massively affect any inheritance. He did. Really well, helped out three days a week for three years until she died. And improved our relationship too.

Order their shop online have it delivered. No one needs togo out shopping
Time it with a housekeeper/cleaner/ home help visit

See what can be outsourced (e.g., delivery? Any local options for transit to and from medical, etc. appointments?) Then figure out how often they genuinely need to be taken shopping (or other repeat errands) and divide by four (or however many siblings there are total that could reasonably take a turn) and you and your sister take your turns only. Doing more than you can will ultimately run you down to the extent that you won't be able to do anything for anyone, including yourself/your own household.

Your anger and frustration is misplaced.
Why are your parents not buying in care, using taxis, online shopping etc? This is what we save for all our lives. Having you runaround is selfish.
I’m with your brothers.

You need to be firmer op, and set boundaries and stick to them. If they want you to do things, and you just do them, why would they stop asking. Start saying no. They don’t want to ask your brothers, but it’s ok to ask you and your sister? Er, no. And you don’t drive so your husbands get roped in too? Jeez, I am surprised the husbands havent just said no themselves. Work with all your siblings to organise solutions, then step back a bit. If you keep on like this, they will let you, and sooner or later you will burn out op.

You can decide what you are prepared to do. You don’t get to allocate jobs to your brothers. They’re right: if they’re working full time, they haven’t got time to do their parents’ supermarket shopping at the weekend.

For the shopping, can you not set them up with internet home delivery shopping? If they can't manage doing the ordering, if you've been doing it for them virtually each week, you have an idea of what their usual basket is like. Once you've done it, it's easy to just reorder their favourites each week. If your DP have difficulty putting groceries away, then arrange for them to be delivered on a day and time that suits your brothers.
As for taking them to appointments, if no one else other than you and your sister's husbands can do this, I'd tell them they can no longer do it (for whatever reason -- busy, working, car broke, etc) and that they'll have to use a taxi. You are burning out and won't be any good to anyone if you continue doing all you're doing now.
For the longer term (as they're not going to become any less needy as they age), I think you and all your siblings need to have a meeting to discuss how you're going to deal with your parents in the future. Good luck to you in managing this very difficult period of life.

Your brothers have boundaries, and have no problem, it seems, asserting them. You do not. Get some.

How your parents fill any gap you leave is very much their problem, not yours. Maybe they need start paying for some help?

I admire your optimism. My mother refused to do an online shop as she “liked to see what she was buying.” She wouldn’t use taxis as they were “too expensive”, and either struggled with the bus or relied on people for lifts. She refused a cleaner, as she could still clean. Any suggestion of paying for anything to make life easier was squashed, as she “couldn’t afford it.” My cousin and I genuinely thought she was hard up - my cousin would send an occasional online shop of treats, or I would pay for a big shop of easy meals for her to heat up. She died suddenly and left an estate of over £1 million. Money which should have been used to make her life more comfortable.

PIL also refused all help and struggled on, going up and down the road asking for lifts to hospital. No shame. When FIL passed it came to light they were also millionaires. MIL went into care. They can refuse to buy in help all they want but we refused to plug the gaps. Their money will now go on care home fees and IHT.
But we have our life and our freedom and that’s priceless!

I would send a text to all of the siblings saying you just can’t do it all any more. If you don’t drive and your brothers do, that’s bonkers. It’s not on your husband to facilitate all this just so your busy brothers don’t have their lives disturbed!

I’d tell your parents that they are being desperately unfair as well.

you can’t force anyone to help ( even if morally they should) it’s up to your brothers if they chose to or not. It’s the same for you and your sister , you can chose how much help you give although I understand that guilt can often drive this. Your parents are also being unreasonable expecting you and your sister to do everything.

it’s time to set boundaries and be less available to do everything. Sadly elderly parents are resistant to change and have very set ideas about who they think should help , but they can adapt ( it was tough initially with my parents but we got there ). Organise online shopping , even 1 big shop per month means you get a week off and all the heavy stuff can be delivered. Hopsital / GP appointments - taxis or hospital transport. Being elderly and not driving they will be eligible for hospital transport. Admittedly not as convenient as you and your DH driving them door to door but it works. Taxis for the GP are fine. Get a cleaner to go it every 2 weeks to make sure the cleaning is kept on top of.

you also need to explain to your parents that you yourself need time and aren’t 100% yourself. It often comes as a shock to the elderly that their own children can also not be 100% fit and have their own health issues to deal with. But as someone who has been there with aging demanding parents set boundaries and decide on what you personally are prepared to and stick to them. My situation was similar with a DS who helped and a DB who was very good at boundaries would only go once a week. Illness of my sister and my DH becoming ill were the catalysts to set in place boundaries and changes. My dad is now very happy with cleaners coming in and online food shopping. Likes his occasional taxi ride out . Mum less so but she manages.

you need to put you first.

Thanks for your reply. I’ve done this and explained politely my feelings and how it’s getting me down. If the request came from my parents to my brothers I think it would be different. I shouldn’t be the one asking my brothers for help it should come from my parents. For some weird reason my mother refuses to ask them to help me even though I’ve stressed to her that it’s making me poorly. My sister suggested I have a break from it and hope this forces my mother to involve my brothers? I’m the soft hearted child…can you tell?

I know what you mean. I could very easily get in this situation but refuse to let it happen. I think you need to start saying no to your parents.

Make it very clear to them it’s making you unwell and they have two sons who they are not asking to do a single thing.

Your brothers are entitled to set their own boundaries according to their consciences. So are you, your sister and your spouses. Just decide what you are willing and able to do and tell your parents. How they manage the rest is up to them. And don't fall out with your brothers over it.

For some weird reason my mother refuses to ask them to help me even though I’ve stressed to her that it’s making me poorly.

Sexism plain and simple, sorry
Time to tell brothers rather than ask - "me and sis will do x and y on these days, you and brother 2 will do a b c on these days. Mum and dad cared for us all and we should do the same so we all get a break and can support them as best as we all can, fairly"
Don't bother doing it via your parents. And maybe set up a family group chat and put details of your parents appointments they need help going to and from. But don't make yourself sick, look after your own self. Not your husbands job or yours to do it all! Your parents are able to book taxis for themselves surely?

Be less available. Embody your brothers!
Online shopping 100%
Attendance allowance?

Op, being soft hearted does not mean you should be a doormat, and to be honest, it sounds as if both you and your parents are taking your husband, ( and your sisters) massively for granted. How disrespectful.

My DH was you , for his mum, with siblings that had a myriad of excuses. When he could not help, things fell to me, and I resented that hugely. So I had to learn to say no.

I just stepped back and was not available , other than for emergencies / things which could not be pre-planned.

MIL figured out how taxis worked; prescriptions were delivered, as was food. She had the assessments she needed , and actually listened.

Step away ; invent an illness, or have your DH have one such that he cannot drive them, if that’s what it takes.

Continue with empathy and compassion, but don’t be the family drudge.

Being soft hearted has got you in this situation and it will result in you being ground down to nothing if you don't change soon. The older your parents get the more you will be "helping" with and before you know it you're the PA to their entire lives.

As a poster suggested above, get the flu for a couple of weeks and see how everyone gets along without you!

Just stop doing it, OP. None of you are obligated to do this stuff. If your parents need professional care, so be it.

Ugh! We get this from Bil/SiL - you need to do x/y/z for in-laws because we do a/b/c. They do do a lot for in-laws and we also do some stuff but we are both younger and working and I dont see why we should give up a day a week to prevent in-laws from ever having to call a taxi or from having extra cleaner hours. They have never asked us to do x/y/z and they have plenty of money to pay for it to be done.

@Firstdaughter65 your inability to say no doesn't mean you get to dictate to your brothers. You offer what you feel able and willing to and let them do the same.

No help but have experienced similar so can sympathise.

Is there a reason they can't do their own shopping or get an online delivery etc? An alternative is to go through Age Concern who can provide a paid service for shopping, cleaning, diy, appointments etc etc