So angry and sad

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

My mum lives alone in France. We have a complicated relationship. She’s basically a narcissist and I have c-PTSD from things that happened in my childhood. The details are irrelevant (I think) but just in case anyone things I should let her move in with me.

She’s 82 and not very stable. She is desperate to move back to the UK but doesn’t have the money to do so outright. She has been on the waiting list for sheltered accommodation for a few years. This morning she got a letter offering her a flat near to me. She wasn’t able to immediately get hold of the manager who wrote to her so she contacted the HA head office. They had already offered the flat to someone else.

I just feel really sad for her. She was really excited. Regardless of my complex feelings towards her I’m disgusted that she’s been treated like this.

Does this sound usual? If so I doubt she will stay on the waiting list because of the disappointment. She lives a good 12 hours travel from us and I do worry that neither me or my brother can get to her quickly if anything happens. She’s incredibly lonely and admits she can go days without seeing anyone. This would have been perfect.

I’ve contacted the HA to let them know how disgusted I am, and contacted the local MP (though I doubt they can do anything). Is there anyone else, or is this just how it is?

She got the letter this morning? Yet when she phoned the HA they'd already offered it to someone else ?
Not sure what the HA rules are but I'm surprised she met the criteria if she isn't a uk resident especially if others were obviously on the waiting list

I can only assume she is eligible as she was accepted into their waiting list and they knew she lives in France. She is still a UK citizen and gets the UK pension.

OP did your mum pass the habitual residence test- do they know she lives abroad? Is she even eligible?Normally she would have to return to the U.K. to establish residence first

When you say got the letter this morning did it get posted to her in France and then have a deadline like “let us know by xx date” and owing to postal times missed the deadline??

As far as I know the HA know she lives in France; she has been on the waiting list for a few years and regularly checks in with them. Surely they wouldn’t let her register etc if she wasn’t eligible? They also had my brother’s contact details and her consent so they could have contacted him if time was critical.

She is absolutely devastated.

Are you sure she has been using her French address for this, rather than trying to game the system using a UK one?

It does not seem correct if she only received the letter yesterday that it required a response quicker than the same day, so I assume it has been delayed, forwarded on from elsewhere.

Something in her version of what she is telling you is not adding up. If she is truly a narcissist, be careful she is not now playing you.

How can she be on the HA list if she lives in France- she would not be eligible, surely.

Was it an invite to a viewing? If so, they would have invited several people on the list. Of those who turned up to the viewing they would have offered to the applicant at the top of the list. If they didn't accept they would then offer to the next person on the list. They don't usually offer a flat without a viewing first. So she may not have got the flat anyway.

Are you sure you are getting the full story? She can’t be eligible for social housing in the UK if she is not habitually resident here.

According to Google you can not apply for sheltered housing if you live abroad. You have to have lived in the UK and usually in the local area for a number of years.

Does this help ?

Does DM own or rent in France ?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/applying-for-council-housing-or-a-housing-association-home/getting-a-council-home/

Has she used your brothers address?. A letter won't have been sent to France for her. As annoyed as she is, you cant really expect to be given sheltered housing when you reside in another country.

I might have got the type of housing incorrect, she is definitely on the waiting list. I need to see the letter she received as maybe it was only an offer of a viewing, not an offer of the flat.

https://www.gov.uk/council-housing

Why doesnt your DM move to UK & rent somewhere herself first ?

Does DM have a valid, in date passport ready to travel at short notice ?

I think that HA or council should be priorotising people that live in UK first

I dont think that this is a worthy issue for a UK MP to deal with

I am somewhat sceptical about her description of the chain events. If she always honest about describing events?

It take my UK bank at least 3 weeks to get a letter to me in Ireland. So if she was given 48hours first refusal via letter, it could well have passed while the letter was in transit.
Why can't she use email?

I think you should have asked to see the letter and read the letter for yourself (get her to send a photo or video call and look at the letter) before shooting emails off to everyone.

As PP have said, usually you need to be resident in the UK to qualify. Then it is usually an invitation to view and then offered to the person the top of the list who has said yes it would be suitable. For a number of reasons people do not attend the viewings and those people are not offered the property.

If she is redirecting from another address then it's probably delayed and she will have missed the viewing in order to say yes.

Also your firing off of emails may have unintended consequences, if she is using a UK address and forwarding on to france but has not actually told the HA the full truth (claiming a UK address as residence but actually living in france) then when someone investigates she may find her self removed from the list entirely as she is living abroad.

I mean this gently -

OP, your mother has given you CPTSD. You need to remove yourself from this situation and not get involved. There is absolutely no chance that your mother is giving you the 100% true version of events here, but she's playing a blinder in getting your attention....

Yes she's 82 but we reap what we sow. You can't possibly have her living near you. Please please get some counselling for yourself to help you deal with your feelings about your mother. You are not responsible for her housing situation, and by allowing yourself to get sucked in to her housing woes you are giving her exactly what she wants. She is manipulating you.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teacher-homeless-abandoned-liverpool-council-37750872.amp

Sofia Cox had no links to Liverpool or Dubai. I have limited sympathy about her lack of links to Bedford!

OP, don’t let your mum’s age and frailty make you forget what you know about her. You know from previous experience that she’s an unreliable narrator. She will spin everything to get the outcome she most wants.

Even giving your mum the benefit of the doubt, letters are going to take longer to get to France than another address in the UK. How long dues she expect empty accommodation to hang around waiting for her to respond before being offered to someone else who needs it?