Hoarding?

[Cantonet]

How to handle it?
How to bring carers into a home that's badly cluttered and filthy? Mun is very resistant to any clearing & cleaning. And perpetually buys massive amounts of cleaning materials/ surgical gloves/tissue/dishcloths. The house is full of them. Repairmen come and never come back to do the job. So nothing is working. We currently have a father who has virtually stopped eating and can barely walk and my Mum is caring for him. She is exhausted and they've both gone skinny but will not listen to anyone . I've had to pull back this week as we've had a big row over me cleaning. But dad has been up all night being sick. We dont think he's got long left.

That sounds like a horrible living situation for all of you.

Do you have any social services involvement at all? Has a care needs assessment been done?
Anyone assessing care needs would recognise the impact of clutter on care needs being addressed.

Carers might be able to work within limited space but would need enough room to carry out their duties safely.

SS can request that the Fire Service community home safety team visit a home.They would assess the fire risk of the hoard and barriers to potential rescue.
Where some clearance is required, date targets might be set for defined areas.

It sounds as tho everything is falling to you, @Cantonet The local council might have a contract with a clearance company. Cost rates may vary depending on housing status. The point of using the service would be that they are familiar with conditions like the ones you are describing.

Not ignoring that any changes will likely conflict with your Mother's resistance to any change @Cantonet Just trying to suggest a couple of options.

What’s the back story? Is your father already seriously ill? Which medical or social care services are they involved with? What age are they and does your mother have any diagnoses? Hoarding is a mental illness, and her actions do not sound rational. But a bit more information would help us advise you better.

They're both in heart failure - 87.
Dad is very bent over and pretty immobile . Broke his back a few years ago and has bad osteoporosis.
Retired doctor & nurse which makes it all the more heartbreaking. Refuse any official help. He says if we put him in a home he will make such a nuisance of himself they will have to send him home.

So no cognitive decline? No dementia or other which would lead you to question their capacity?
If they have capacity, then they have the right to make terrible decisions, unfortunately. I’m assuming they’ve been living like this (hoarding) for a long time?
When you say you don’t think your father has long left, you don’t mean that he’s actively dying or has some terminal illness? Do you know why he is being sick and hasn’t been eating?

Sorry OP it sounds like they aren’t quite at a crisis point yet. At some point, despite their determination to carry on as they are, one of them will be very ill / have such a bad fall that they will end up in hospital. This may be your opportunity to change things. Do you have POA?

Yes, we have Poa.
I think Dad is in so much pain that he's drinking a lot to self medicate himself. Consequently he's not eating. Of course all this means his bones are demineralising and it's causing further pain. We think he's now malnourished. Yes @Mixymaxymoxy We've all come to the same conclusion.

can you get them into respite care? up here is nicer than a home and it could give you time to do something with the piles of crap in house.

meanwhile they know it’s not a permanent situation as they wouldn’t be allowed to stay. they are probably thinking of care homes they knew in the past. if they are a better standard now they won't know that til they see it.

heart failure can last years.
your dad needs properly checked out. low bp can make you sick.

We've taken mum to look at a lovely home. She said she wasn't ready for that yet and to be fair she's not.
But at the moment she has cellulitis in her leg and needs to rest, but she's incapable of keeping still. Plus Dad is perpetually calling her. He wont go into respite care and is going his best to kill her too.
Yes @Elieza they've both had it for years and are on a cocktail of tablets.

What a bloody nightmare. It’s common but not always to this extent.

When you say nothing is working - have they got functioning water, hot water, heating, fridge, washing machine? Maybe decide on an absolute minimum list of things that need to be working, and only spend energy on trying to make those happen.

Tbh this is their choice, jointly. Couples that longstanding operate as a unit. You’ve offered your mum an exit point and she’s refused it. They both presumably decided they would rather die than be in a nursing home a long time ago, or at least your dad did. Although I think it’s important myself that people don’t rule it out as an option, I can’t blame those who feel it’s a poisoned chalice to move into one, often extending length of life while reducing its quality.

It isn’t compulsory that you do something about this. It’s just very, very hard to watch. 💐

Yes @PermanentTemporary it is an absolute nightmare . Thank you for saying that.
I'm one of 4 so I've taken a temporary step back for the moment.
Yes, they have hot water & heating. The house is at +30°. I can't cope ......