Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

@JeffLebowski if I wasn't an only child I'd think we had the same mother. We've had a step back day today. Yesterday she seemed so good.

Except mine can't use a mobile phone, so I'm saved from that horror.

DSis got another message but luckily it wasn't really concerning or needing any action. She cheerfully passed it on to us and we viewed to deny this ever happened.

There was a moment this afternoon when I realised my phone was down to 17% so I turned it off. It was genuinely a complete coincidence that we were in the middle of a tour of a booze making establishment and about to hit the final section where you did some "tasting".

Going home tomorrow. One of the other family matriarchs has rung ER up, and the proposed arrangements for her return home sound safe enough.
Though whether they actually turf her out tomorrow, or we have to go to the hospital again to visit her Sat, I don't yet know.

Our council does talking therapies and I’ve actually signed up for it. I’m the words of Popeye, ‘I can’t takes it no more’.

Woke up this morning feeling like I had a troupe of monkeys tap dancing in my guts.

Failing that, it’s witness protection.

@HoneyButterPopcorn I found out that my employer offers third-party counselling sessions as part of their employee assistance program and it's been hugely beneficial for me. I hope the talking therapy you're being offered is as useful for you as I've found it for me.

Long-term stress is really bad for you. 20 years ago, and for entirely different reasons, I found myself in some enormously stressful life circumstances. That left me with lingering health issues that I'm still dealing with today. I'm having to be really careful to manage my stress levels with my DM as I know that if I don't then there's a genuine risk I could end up in hospital myself.

My DM doesn't understand (or care? who knows) that I'm not able/willing to drop everything and go and see her every time she's having a bad day. I've got a full-time job and my own life; going to see her in hospital is a round-trip that takes three to four hours depending on traffic. The counsellor I'm talking to is helping me to accept that I'm not superman, that I can't do everything for everyone, and that I can only spread myself so thin.

How are we all doing? DH dragged me out to an exhibition and lunch. Of course had running stream of messages going but hey.

Visited ER in hospital, delivering the enormous bag of fruit and chocolate she'd asked for, and a scarf to cover where they took a biopsy.
The invoice for the house alarm has been paid, with me holding her hand doing it all for her and showing her and saying "is this ok".

Went around to the house after and found an overdue Stannah invoice.
Well, I may well be taking her finance POA into her bank tomorrow to start the process (with some foreboding, as, like everyone, I've heard the stories where they mess it up ). Worst case, I can get it paid next Sat. (Work being done on house so may not be able to go down in the week - we'll see).
There was also one of those outrageous TV licensing letters - I immediately filled in the form saying she doesn't watch any TV at all. (She likes 24/7 R3, and was playing it from her phone in the ward lol - but very quietly!)

The lovely neighbours are feeding the cat and moved some furniture, and there's a special bed now in what used to be the dining room, with some transfer equipment.

So she might be home quite soon.
She seems to have "taken agin" the current care company and wouldn't explain why, but as she's getting care in from someone else - that's up to her.

Crucially, nothing too mad or dangerous is going on, and we have hopefully earned ourselves Sunday free.

Still feeling very low, exhausted and panic attack-y. But at least DH is taking my reaching end of tether seriously.

I am working tomorrow somewhere I like so will be distracted with that.

DH and I have a plan to tackle DM. I will attempt to talk some sense into DM early next week ie a choice between moving somewhere suitable asap and auctioning her house or getting in sufficient help while she clings on and waits for a conventional sale. I'm pretty certain that will fail so DH will be deployed to try next after we have had someone round to assess and quote for some important work on her house. After so as not to provoke her to cancel the upcoming appointment.

Today I am not visiting DM. I am travelling to spend the day with DD, DSiL and DGD (3 mths). I will do some bits and pieces of sewing for them. I will cuddle DGD and love every second of it.

Have a lovely time @GnomeDePlume. Sounds blissful.

DB proved himself to be a twat again yesterday. I got a call from DM’s Emergency lifeline to say she’d pressed it and wasn’t answering them, either on the loudspeaker or on the phone. ‘Oh, and we rang your brother first and a woman answered and told us to ring you as they are at their caravan’. (NB, caravan is all of 6 miles away from DM’s house).

After me racing up there, heart racing, It turned out to be her hearing aid not working (again). FFS.

I sympathise with DM as she panics when she can’t hear but doesn’t seem to grasp that it’s not an emergency.

I am furious with DB as yet again he assumes that I was free to rush to DM’s aid. As it happens we should have been on our way to an event 40 miles away but it was cancelled due to the weather. He texted about three hours later to ask if she was ok. I was tempted not to reply.

That is infuriating @BestIsWest, I guess it’s not possible to thrash out some sort of on call rota between the two of you ? I already know the answer to that one based on past posts !

Relatively quiet day today, some cleaning and off to buy long list of Thai ingredients for cooking class DH and I doing next weekend. Feeling guilty because I could squeeze in a care home visit, but we were there yesterday and we brought along DS who was temporarily back from uni and I will visit again either tomorrow or Tuesday as don’t work both those days.
I feel sorry for DF as when we arrived he was on his own in the lounge area reading his paper, he says it’s like that a lot. If it wasn’t for DM it might be possible for him to be on a lower needs wing where he would be with people who could feed themselves and make coherent conversation possibly, but he does need his insulin daily and he won’t do his own personal care. There’s loads of activities he could be participating in but I don’t know if he isn’t being encouraged or reminded to go, or if due to his dementia he isn’t really capable of enjoying or is overwhelmed when he’s there. Either way I feel guilty and have to remind myself that I deserve a life as well and the house really does need a good clean.

FFS they've moved her again.
Each time they move her they set the confusion back another day (or more).
This ward is tucked away in a corner with minimal natural light and no windows.
But this should be where she stays until discharge.

She's at the danger to herself stage...she's mobile but wobbly and confused.

Can I sneak in for a cuppa or something stronger ?
I am reaching end of tether territory and feeling very low and trapped with no light at the end of the tunnel.
ER hopefully moving to care home soon but that brings the enormous cost. My dad not coping at all with any of it even though he knows she needs to be in a care home and he is self neglecting with no opportunity to help him . He gets very angry.
I am feeling very resentful about their complete lack of any preparedness for old age despite being pretty sensible their whole lives. I am not sure how to get past it as it is causing me so much stress.
Any tips for dealing with the resentment would be very much appreciated.
I am going to prepare in great detail for my old age if I am lucky enough to get there so my children don’t have to go through this.

@MrsNessaSmithy we have reached Unpaid Carer Cocktail Hour. I am dithering between a Corpse Reviver (because I've never tried one) or Long Island Iced Tea because it has a shot of everything.

I don't have a lot of advice but I completely get the resentment. It feels like a permanent extra job with no pay, no holidays and no benefits whatsoever. And often no bloody thanks either.

My parents were similarly fairly sensible until their last house move which was too big, requires too much maintenance and is an hour's drive from us.

Bad decisions were also made when DF was terminally ill regarding not getting enough care support.

I am probably full on nervous breakdown right now. I haven't felt this ill or miserable since my teens (I'm late diagnosed ADHD and now realise why I do not cope well with stress / need more time and energy to deal with basic things than many other people). I've been trying to sort out my work/life balance so I can work more effectively and have less stress but the situation with DM this year has thrown a spanner into all of it and I feel like all my efforts to take control of the chaos in my life have been in vain. It feels so....intrusive?

I think it's natural to feel resentment at such situations. It's not a failing of any sort. It has been helpful to open up to DH about how I feel and I have some very supportive friends too.

Any boundaries you can build or hold to take back/keep some measure of control over your own life are the best medicine for me. Even baby steps towards those boundaries give some feeling of actual progress and control.

Can anyone talk to your Dad about how he feels and what help he might accept for himself? He sounds like he has a deal of resentment himself over the situation he finds himself in and is lashing out at you.

Thank you @NeedMoreTinfoil I am also late diagnosed ADHD and that doesn’t help when you feel things are unraveling. My work is also very stressful and thankless so feel very tearful and like checking into a spa hotel and switching my phone off.

I need to sort work life balance as a priority as I am making myself unwell with the stress.

thank you for the kind words it’s good to know I am not alone but sorry we are in the same boat.

If this thread needs a patron saint, perhaps it should be Agatha "went incommunicado and ducked off to a hotel under an assumed name" Christie.

I miss my DM:- she always looked pleased to see me, you know; I always felt my visits were worthwhile one way or another.
She died nearly seven years ago and I didn't get the Big Grieving Session then, it all seeps out in trickles and small spurts.

I really get, now, what people say about wanting to be a daughter (or whatever) again, not an unpaid carer or social worker.

I have had a bunch of texts throughout the day, starting before 7:30 (if we discount the 1130pm one yesterday) and carrying on until half an hour ago. If I were an actual social worker maybe I would have a day off... Before ER's husband died, we had a cordial but distant relationship with 2 visits a year, tops, and after COVID they were reluctant to even have that. I had to push for it.
I really don't mind helping people I love, I've scrubbed bloody shit out of carpet, stayed up with someone all night when they had a nervous breakdown but there were no psych beds available, done a 2h round trip drive to make sure someone got their tea.

This is different - she needs someone and I was the one without a chair when the music stopped.

@MysterOfwomanY that's a really interesting way of looking at it and does make sense why I've been so upset about my mum's stay in hospital.

It feels like our roles have reversed, I've been joking about 'mothering the mother' for a while, but now I really am advocating, for her, making sure that they don't just release her home, asking if people have actually read her notes beyond the last couple of days.

I suppose it's a form of anticipatory grief.
😭

I had written a long and self indulgent essay which I have deleted. Instead I would say to those in the thick of it, this cannot last forever. Sadly your DPs decline is inevitable, try not to fall with them by trying to keep them propped up.

I am in a much better place mentally than this time last year, thankfully DPs in a care home since March. I still have unresolved feelings of anger for their complete stubbornness and inability to make the necessary changes before they were thrust upon them, but it’s pointless being angry at two people with dementia.

This thread was the main thing that kept me going through the worst of it, it’s so helpful to share how you feel with others going through the same journey.

Hi 👋 have been referred here to the cafe.... just been reading some of your posts and it seems like a good place to have found and to be in.

I'm sure I will visit here regularly, and my situation is probably quite mild (and well recognised) for now. Obv been bleating at the parents to do x, y and z for years so we didn't find ourselves in this position but here we are.

DF has had a stroke, has been quite lucky but will need some rehab (maybe 2-3weeks). Meanwhile he paid all the bills, whilst mainly avoiding direct debits - including weekly rent payments. DM likes to stick head in the sand and thinks because she is his wife and NOK can access all his sole-name accounts etc. Have explained POA to her (to cries of 'I'm not having anyone taking over MY finances' whilst not seeing the irony)! We can prob manage stuff and get by for the next 2-4 weeks.

I don't want to burden anyone, but a quick Q from this mass of experience if possible please. My mum is mentally fine, my dad prob is / will be in the next week or so. I was thinking of just arranging Third Party Mandates in the interim. This is for my mum in the first instance, my dad's to follow when possible although his bank seems likely to be more flexible. With possible POA to follow. Any further thoughts or advice from experience? Thanks so much in advance.

Let her have a few problems so she understands the implications of not having POA. It took FIL trying to cancel MILs monthly book subscription after her massive stroke for him to get it.

Welcome @herbetta and sorry you have to be here.

I agree step back and let some problems unfold so she will hopefully see sense.

I am going to visit the care home today to look at the vacant room. It feels weird as I know it will be the last place she lives in.

I work in adult social care so will disclose that to the care home but have already asked about for opinions on the home. The down side is that my whole work and personal life has collided and I feel,I have a fully immersed existence and now close to zero compassion for elderly people that have chosen to not plan for the possibility of needing help. I have another ER in law who my husband insists on helping despite them being fit and well and independent . I can’t even interact with them as I am so burnt out and resentful. It’s not healthy and I need to find a way of moving past it.

Our parents gave the three of us POA about 15 years ago, when they were in their 60s & absolutely fine.

In the past few months Dad has declined so fast mentally that we think he might have had a mini-stroke, as well as having dementia. If the POA wasn’t already in place things would be a lot harder now.

Many lessons have been learned from the experience with DPiL and now DM.

DPIL were lovely and open but always assumed they still had time to get things sorted. Until they suddenly ran out of time. OPG had to be involved.

DM was always secretive though I was able to persuade her to set up POAs after what happened with DPIL.

I'm turning 60 soon and doing all the life admin now. We have wills. I'm in the process of changing the way our home is owned so that DH and I will each have a pot to pay for care. It will mean the other will need to move to release the cash though. POAs next then advanced directives.

The main thing is that I am talking to DCs about all of this. I dont want them to be unsure of our wishes or intentions.

Hello, I’m joining the place no one wants to be in. Sadly skimmed the thread & I’m very aware of the nightmare that’s unfolding for potentially the next 5-10years. Have DPs both mid 80s. Dad has dementia plus other issues, mum in complete denial about any decesions that need to be made to simplify their lives it’s complex but I have a question if anyone can help.
I have signed joint POA with my 2xsiblings (yet another issue as the actual care logistics bit will prob land on me as one sibling is moving away to other side of world very conveniently now..) but I don’t have any proof or a copy of it? My DH has one for his mum plus paperwork confirming it. Should I have some proof? I’m really concerned lots of decline has happened in last year for both them neither are making any sensible choices about living arrangements we have been watching a slow car crash happening for years and I’m having to detach mentally as much possible but of course I can’t. Complicated by siblings in different places logistically but I’m concerned DPs may have made the POA decisions conditional on us all agreeing to anything together to do anything? Plus I’m concerned my mum is hiding the POA paperwork as she only did it when dad was diagnosed but doesn’t think any of it applies to her yet (when it’s obvious she’s declining too).

Welcome. Do you know what solicitors arranged the POA? They will hold the original and can provide you with a certified copy once you prove you are one of the signatories. Once you have that you can also register online and get a code to provide to organisations instead of a paper copy.

I seem to remember also getting a letter from the OPG once it was approved. Are you sure the POA paperwork was sent to them to make it official?