Ghosts - sign of decline or symptom of grief

[mirrorleggingssock]

My dad died 3 years ago and naturally my mum has had a very difficult time. Recently she seems to have become a bit obsessed with the idea that his ‘spirit’ is in the house. I should say that she has always believed in this sort of thing, but that being said I am a bit concerned that something more is going on, or she needs to seek professional help for her intense grief.

She has set up cameras all over the house and is convinced she is capturing my dad speaking to her whilst she is asleep. Honestly any sounds captured just sound like her groaning or snoring in her sleep and nothing more. She has claimed that she’s dreamt he’s made her breakfast and woke up and come downstairs to a freshly made pot of coffee and other similar things. She claims she can smell certain things in the house or she hears him shuffling about.

Whilst I feel the opposite about these sorts of things I could sort of see that she might find it comforting to think of him as being there. However as time goes on she is starting to sound a bit concerning. She will tell anyone who will listen and they too look bemused or at her like she is losing the plot.

Is this something to worry about?

Sounds like the onset of a fairly serious mental health condition

Oh your poor mum .
I once had visual hallucinations when going through something very upsetting , the situation resolved quite quickly as I remember .
Its so tricky , if this is comforting to her you don’t want to tell her she’s mistaken and upset her .
Can you just get her away for a bit ?
A short trip somewhere would give her a fresh perspective and something else to focus on . Grief is very complex , would she consider bereavement counselling?

My friends mum had a breakdown after the death of his dad and from what you've described, it sounds similar. She was hearing voices and thought things had been moved around in the house. At first he thought the same as you, that it was intense grief but as time went on, she began to tell him her neighbours had been coming into her house and has been going through her bins - he knew this wasn't true. He got her to the doctors and they diagnosed a psychotic break brought on by stress. She's now on medication and seems well. I don't think it's that unusual after a stressful life event.

I think if you're worried the best thing to do would be to speak to her GP and ask them to call her in for a 'routine medical check' and ask that they do a mental health evaluation. If nothing else, it will put your mind at rest.

I just try and change the subject to be honest rather than say anything to object or reinforce what she’s saying.

We did float the idea of counselling a few times but she just said she didn’t need it. She isn’t cooped up at home the whole time either and does get out for various things. In terms of a trip away I’d suggested she come and stay with us for a bit for a visit, we live in a bit of a touristy bit of the UK a few hours away but she doesn’t really take us up on it even when pressed to pick a date/book her travel.

I agree.

I'm a parish minister and over the years have had contact with thousands of bereaved people - church-goers and non-churchgoers. Your DM's behaviour is extreme, I'm afraid.

If she were one of my parishioners, or someone who'd spoken to me about this, I'd be contacting their GP and/or family outlining what they were doing/saying/believing and expressing my concern for their mental health.

Op this is a woman who is in the grip of quite a serious mental health crisis by the sounds of it

how old is she?

When can you next see her in person?

Oh gosh. I’ve heard the sounds on the video feed myself but like I say its
definitely just her making noises in her sleep. But the stuff about a pot of coffee being made and not by her is obviously something else. Like I say she’s always been into the idea of spirits and wholeheartedly believes in it. She is also someone prone to dramatics/exaggeration so I wasn’t sure if she was just saying these things had happened due to that.

The “something else” is your mother making coffee and no one or nothing else

Yes sorry I mean to say she’s not imagining the noises she’s recorded just that she will be insistent it sounds like someone saying hello when it sounds like a snore. Whereas the coffee thing is more of a worry because clearly a ghost hasn’t done that.

She is 66 so not strictly elderly although she comes across as ‘older’ if that makes sense.

Well you know her… either dramatics or evidence of a mental health condition

Either way.. i think you need to visit to see for yourself

I saw her last month at a big family event and we were at her home for 4 days for that visit. That was where I heard her say some of these things to people and she was showing some of her recordings. People were polite but you could tell they were also a bit like ‘what the heck’ by it.

Her home seemed in good order?
She gets out every day? Has friends? Things she does?

Has the boiler (if she has one) been serviced? I’m thinking of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Grief is a weird and occasionally frightening. Lack of sleep has on more then one occasion convinced my tired brain that my DH is actually alive and has come home or is out at work. I know in my head that’s not true - I have his ashes to prove it, but my heart desperately wants to believe it to be true. I confess that I even made him a coffee..then realised my error. This may be her way of coming to terms with her loss. That there is still some connection. Having said that her conviction and certainty would suggest that some sort of professional intervention would be wise.

That first sentence… 100% worth exploring

House seemed fine - clean and orderly with everything ticking over. She’s still working part-time couple of days a week. She’s in an admin role but in the healthcare sector so I think if she’d been displaying any really concerning behaviour there someone would have picked up it? She will speak to medical professionals daily. She seems to be managing. Doesn’t get out everyday I would say but is seeing friends for meet ups like lunch or a walk. No hobbies but has never had any.

Would need to ask her about the boiler. I know she’s got someone who comes in once a year to do an annual check but not sure if that’s been done recently.

So are you thinking dramatics?

I did initially but I don’t know what she’s getting out of it? I was slightly tempted to call her bluff a bit and say these things you claim are happening are quite concerning and I think you should see someone to see if she reigns it in a bit but that could backfire spectacularly. And if it’s just that I suppose she’s not hurting anyone.

Why would expressing concern backfire massively? Surely just a daughter concerned?

Based on how she reacted to the previous suggestions of counselling - that did not go well.

Along the lines of dramatics …. Would she be the type to want family/friends to revolve around herself? As in is this a way to gain some attention/care that naturally fades away after a death (albeit normal a lot quicker than 3 years).

You can purchase a co monitor from diy stores even b and m sell them. A digital one displays ppm, which can cause confusion etc at limits a lot lower than the alarm sounds iyswim. Leaks can occur between annual checks so worth getting an alarm. (And if you have an open or closed fire)

Yes I think I would say that she is like that. And although it doesn’t make a lot of sense to use that sort of thing for attention perhaps that is what she is doing. I would like to think if people aren’t really taking her on she will soon stop it if that is the case. But if it keeps on despite that it might need a word regardless of whether she will react badly.

It's not at all uncommon for people to suggest counselling to those who've been bereaved - I'd guess that you're not the only person who's mentioned it to her.

How did she react to the idea?

Are you close to her? Any siblings?

My elderly aunt had something similar, she thought there were people living in her loft and that they were friends. She used to speak to them and believed they came home from work everyday. This was not long after her husband died. She was moved to a really nice care home and put on medication and improved.

I wonder if she's just trying to get other people to agree that, yes, her DH is still watching over her. Hence her filming and trying to get 'evidence'. So the more people she shows it to and talks to, the more vindication she gets for her belief?

Would specific grief counselling be more appealing to her then general counselling? You could suggest that she shows her counsellor her recordings - they might be better placed for talking her out of the mindset, and also more used to dealing with these aspects of grief.