Extremely anxious mum

[Onmyown84]

My mum is 74. She is a lovely mum. A few years ago she developed polymyalgia which is now under control and she is pain free. But it triggered terrible anxiety.
She has always been a worrier , im similar. But the anxiety took over her extremely badly and she couldn't hide it . Its changed her as a person and it makes me so sad. She has always been the matriarch, the loving playful granny, the one who loves to cook family meals for us and have us all there. She also loved shopping!
Now cooking the meal is too much for her. She worries about it in advance, easily gets overwhelmed, cant be in the moment with us seems very distracted. Doesnt laugh like she used to.
She wont drive at all now so won't go anywhere unless my dad drives. Her world has become very small.
Ive been through a lot lately but I had to stop telling her things as she wasnt sleeping worrying about me and constantly thinking about it.
Now my dad is poorly and she just cannot cope at all. Shes messaging me telling me how anxious she is, she can't cope with him, she sounds quite hopeless and im worried about her . She has been put on sertraline a few months ago but ive seen no change at all.
Does this sound like normal age/illness related anxiety or should we be worried its the start of something more worrisome?
Her mum (my nan) wasnt like this , she managed fantastically well living alone and I never heard her complain or get upset. So this is quite new to us. My dad doesnt know how to handle it

Sorry that your DM is so anxious and that your DF is unwell. It's a difficult situation for you to be in. I can only say, in response to your question
Does this sound like normal age/illness related anxiety
that no, this isn't normal behaviour/response from a 74-year-old, especially if her pain from polymyalgia is now under control. I don't know what you mean by your DH is "poorly". If he has a terminal illness, then a normally anxious partner can be sent spiraling. But if he's got a bad cold or rheumatism, then her response is a bit OTT. The fact that her mother coped with whatever and never complained is irrelevant tbh. Everyone reacts to the various events in our lives differently and it may be that your DM has a very different constitution to her mother. But I'm not clear what you are worried her behaviour might be the start of. You say she's started sertraline, so her GP must be aware of her anxiety. If you're worried that her behaviour is more than just that, why not offer to go with her to the GP where you might be able to express your concerns? Otherwise, I'm not sure what you're asking of MN.

Hi

I'm in a similar situation.

I think this happens a lot more than we realise and your description of her "world becoming smaller" is one that fits perfectly. It's actually something I've said too.

Have you spoken to your Mum's GP? They will have someone at the GP Practice that is a 'Social Prescriber' (the title will likely vary). They can offer advice and suggestions on how to help your Mum, support for your Dad and arrange anything that you think may help.

Things progressed slowly until my Dad passed away; my Mum then became a lot more anxious. At it's worst I was receiving phone calls at 3am in the morning about nothing in particular. I too had to stop saying anything to her as it was causing her distress. I even asked my sibling to do the same but he refused and he now tells her every little detail about things as he thinks she needs to be thinking about others 🤷 This causes her to panic and she now phones me 5-20 times each day - mainly because of something he has said to her. She won't phone him though as "he has enough to deal with" (so not saying anything can sometimes backfire in that respect).

My Mum will not leave the house without me now.
Anything that I do is not good enough and the time I spend with her or doing things for her, is never enough either.

Everyone is different but I do think parts of our personalities get exaggerated the older we get and sometimes they aren't the good parts!

How is your Mum at speaking on the phone? There are 'befriender' services available where someone of a similar age phones your Mum at a set time each week for a chat. At the very least, this gives your Dad a short rest.

💐

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer but its a manageable cancer.
Both of my parents are very young acting. My dad is 80 but you would never know it. Even though shes so anxious they go out alot and have a strict routine.
Im worried it could be the start of dementia or something like that. I wouldn't say shes forgetful although she does forget things when stressed, but her personality has changed and this isnt like her at all and its most definitely getting worse

I'm sorry to say that this sounds very, very similar to how my mum was, at exactly the same age, when she started to develop dementia. We weren't sure that's what it was at the time, though we suspected. She had a diagnosis back then of Mild Cognitive Impairment. Over the last five years it's got worse and worse, but she's only just, finally, been given a diagnosis of mixed dementia (Alzheimer’s and vascular), aged 79. It's been blatantly obvious that it was dementia for a good three years, I'd say - by then she couldn't really do anything for herself, her memory was terrible, she'd started not only losing words but becoming 'lost' halfway through a sentence, her anxiety and health obsession was overwhelming, and she'd started to get very confused about really basic things. In the last six months things have really deteriorated, and the horrible thing now is that she's becoming quite aggressive and 'nasty', mainly to dad but also to us and others - she's completely lost her filter. It's heartbreaking. I'm sorry, and I hope it's 'just' anxiety for your mum.

Having had a relative go through Vascular Dementia I’d say that there’s a chance that your DM could have the early signs.

Do you have both Health and Finance POA for her?

I don’t think that is normal for age 74. My mum sounds similar now but she’s 92 and it’s only been the last couple of years that’s she been so anxious.