Terminally ill Dad

[pricey1]

Since I’ve been older I’ve had a strained relationship with my dad mainly due to a clash of personalities I think. I found out at the beginning of the year that he is terminally ill and immediately did everything I could to rebuild our relationship as I have a fear of people dying alone. He gave me a large amount of money that he received as he has an asbestos related illness that I would rather spend on his care and things he needs to be honest however when I mention this he gets annoyed and says if I do that it’s not his wishes and that it’s for me and my children. I am trying to prepare as much as I can and myself and my children seeing him more often but the guilt I feel is unbearable, I cry all the time because I’ve got the best relationship with him when I might not have much longer with him. I’m not a strong person and I know I need to be for my children as well as him. I’m trying to sort things with Farleigh Hospice regarding putting pain relief in place when he starts to need it and getting care line put in place. He’s lost so much weight and I feel like I’m probably irritating him keep telling him to drink eat and get plenty of sleep because I want him with us for as long as possible. I wake up every morning hoping it’s all a nightmare. I have bipolar and to be honest I’m just dreading it all. Like I said I know I need to be strong for others but I just feel useless.

It's great that you have repaired your relationship with your Dad. Try to enjoy the time you have left together rather than worry through his last months or year. Take the DC to visit as often as you can. Don't keep nagging him about eating but instead cook him something you know he likes and takes him a portion over when you go. If he's hungry he'll eat it but don't be offended if he doesn't. When my Mum was very ill and more or less stopped eating I took her some stewed raspberries I picked from my garden and I knew she loved them but she couldn't eat it and I couldn't stop crying. I think because deep down I knew if she couldn't eat those she couldn't eat anything ever again. I know you can't help the crying it's grief of knowing you will lose him soon. Grieving starts before a person dies if you know they will die soon. Try to create lovely memories.

Giving your DF your time and your love is the best thing you can be doing for both him and you for however long he's with you. Don't worry about what he is eating or not eating or how much weight he's losing. Focus on the person who is before you and who very obviously loves you and is happy that you have rekindled your relationship with him. It would seem that he has reconciled himself to death and wants you to do the same for him. Just helping him through the process and trying to ensure he's as comfortable as possible will also help you to accept what is happening.

I had a fractious relationship with my DM, and lived in a different country than her for most of my life, doing things that I knew hurt her tremendously. Then I was granted the opportunity to spend the last few months of her life with her. It was such a healing experience for me. I know you will come out of this with a much deeper relationship with your father. I wish you and him and all your family well as you navigate this next part of his journey.

Thank you, you’re right. I need to make the most of my time with him now rather than being preoccupied with what’s coming. My brother has no relationship with him and still has no interest even now and I’m not going to lie the resentment I feel towards my brother because of this is crazy but I need to put this aside because it’s wasted energy I know.

it’s a horrible situation op, i’ve been there. Just forget about the past and turn up happy with dc as much as you are able. I used to take mcdonald’s up because he had a notion. nothing tasted right due to chemo though.

there’s no point in nagging him. just take tempting things. sweeties, pudding pots, home made stuff you think hed like. packets of sandwiches from m&s or whatever that he might eat when you’re not there.

Sometimes an ice lolly goes down well - those circular fruity ones on a stick. 💐

My MiL lived on ice cream cones for the last few months of her life. We used to make the ice cream by mixing complan and butter in with a commercial ice cream (in an ice cream maker) and then also mixing in her crushed tablets to specific cones (as she was hiding any tablet she was supposed to take down the side of her chair cushion!). At some point we gave up on including the tablets as it was clear she was nearing end of life.