Grief

[Supersimkin7]

Someone I know lost both elderly parents, demented, both in full
time care, in eight months.

People keep saying ‘grief will hit you like a truck’. Will it?

Grief CAN hit hard for some, others it never does.

My sister is still in the depths after mum died in 2020.

I never really felt much and thought there must be something wrong with me. I had a little cry, feel a bit down sometimes on important days... But I talked with others and there is a very wide range of levels of grief, from early on, going on years -

so can only say it might, it might not - especially with a long decline like dementia, there has already been a living grief, a certain level of sadness before they died.

We are all different and circumstances differ so that can affect grief too. With longer term illness you know it’s coming so some people are processing their grief ahead of their loved one dying, the end can be a relief though you daren’t express this because you sound heartless. For others it’s not like that at all it it does hit them, often after the funeral. No rights and wrongs, just be there for them and take their cue

Thanks.

The DF stopped being himself years before he died, and the DM could be tricky.

But relations were good on both sides before DM’s very sudden death.

My bereaved mate is worried about guilt. The parents were very odd about money and often said they’d leave the favourite child the lot.

and often said they’d leave the favourite child the lot.

Maybe your friend disengaged a long time ago then and there won’t be a huge amount of grief. I can’t say I’d have a huge amount of love for someone who spoke to me like this. Dividing siblings, pitting them against each other…nah.

I think grief can be different in the situation you mention.
I lost my dad nearly 10 years ago with an illness , it was hard and i miss him very much still , my mother has dementia and is doing ok at the moment but to be honest i am pretty sure i am going to feel quite a bit of relief when she goes as this is a prolonged demise and goodbye and by the time it gets to the end both patient and family are burnt out physically and emotionally ,often at the end of their tether.
I hope that something else takes her briefly before she loses her dignity and herself.
It must be very hard and complicated when the parent is /was difficult and caused upset for their children.

It differs. My mother I still cry for who I lost 9 years ago at 69 to breast cancer. My father who I was very close to had a UTI which he then had to take very strong abs for which affected his mind. He was paranoid and angry and I gave up work to look after him. He had long term delirium after a hospital stay and tried to attack me with his walking stick. After he died I felt relief. It is two years now and I worry I will never remember my dad as he was - he was a fantastic person. I haven’t really grieved as I feel I have my life back. Grief comes and goes and there is no right or set pattern.

My mum is actively dying. Today I have choked up with tears for my Dad who died 18 years ago. Took me completely by surprise.

I expected it when my DF died after almost 20 years of dementia and being miserable. He died 2 years ago and it never happened. I felt relief - for him - when he died and it never changed. I feel I felt all the grief before, while he was "going away". His physical death was a positive thing and I still feel that.

It varies a lot. When my lovely FiL died I wept every day for six months.
But I was numb when my much-loved Mum died and (not much later) when I lost my Dad, who I did love but the relationship was complicated due to his own tough childhood. Years later I get little "breakthrough" moments of grief.

Yet I heard today that an old friend of the family has gone into her local hospice and I am really upset. I was going to go visit and catch up but I've been so busy and because they're old, I felt I couldn't just drop in without notice. And now it's too late. (I'm not 'funny' about serious illness or death but she'll be too unwell to have anyone bar close family and friends visiting, I imagine).

I guess when it's your own parents it can be complicated...