Struggling to balance my mum’s care needs with my own dc

[walkonwalkoff]

My mum has a number of significant health issues and needs a lot of care.
She is not able to maintain her house any longer, needs help with cooking, getting dressed, toileting etc

She currently refuses outside carers and when I bring it up I’m told I’m unkind and making a mountain out of a molehill.

I am a single parent to my own young children and trying to juggle her care with running her house and mine is too much.

Her house all needs sorting and declutterring plus cleaning but she’s too embarassed to use anyone outside to do it an I’m too drained to do it.

It’s enough effort to maintain the most basic level of hygiene. This is all while my two little ones make a mess that I then don’t have the energy to tidy away so end uup shoving it all somewhere untl tue next day.

I then go home and have them have to face my own washing/cleaning/tidying and I’m just so tired.

Another family member is her live in carer but is awful at housework and does the bare minimum. When he works away for up to a few weeks at a time, it all falls to me.

I can’t keep doing it but don’t see a way out. She only 5 mins away and we’re here daily.

All help and advice welcome.

You have to stop, and let her realise it’s too much for you

I think you’ll have to stop. Then I guess it’s a social care application? She doesn’t get to dictate how you spend you’re time, especially as a single parent to young DC

The way out is that you inform everybody you cannot do it anymore. If you feel
able to, give them 2 weeks’ warning. But then you just stop.

Have you possibly posted about this before?
My suggestion would be to take some time - eg when kids are in bed or one day don’t go to your Mums - ans use that time to write down reasonable boundaries.
As an example these could be
I visit three times a week from x date. For 1 hour each visit.
I provide the DC with a small basket of toys at Mums and that’s it.
I no longer cook for my Mum or clean. I will help her go to the toilet when I am there.
Write these down and stick them up somewhere.
Inform the GP in a short bullet point letter what you are doing and post it. Don’t give whys. Explain what you were doing and when and what you will be doing from x date.
Then put it into practise.
I did this with my parents - I don’t live in the Uk. Both DPs are ill. I visit as often as I can. My boundaries are: I only warm up ready meals, unless I am eating and then I will cook the same for DPs. I only make soup that has all items ready chopped ans then I can throw them in the soup maker. I stay in a local chain hotel because then my day with DPs is 8am -7:30 Pm and not 24 hours. I always have a daily walk. I will clean bathrooms but not the rest of your house.
I say this with genuine kindness - your children are your priority and your home. Not anyone else’s.
You unfortunately have to let the crisis come. I have seen how quickly parents can become reliant on their adult children. The is (unknowingly in all likelihood) emotionally manipulating you with the comments of unkindness and mountain/molehill.
A daughter who visitors daily - to the detriment of her own domestic situation- is a million miles away from being unkind. But you are not looking after yourself and your personal situation.
Its not easy and you may need some
stock phrases to use to your mum eg “Mum, I can’t come tomorrow it unfortunately not going to work for me’ Mum this week I am coming round M, We’d, Friday from 17:30-18:30 looking forward to a chat. And pick 1 think you will do when you are there.
Of course in an ideal world we would all be able to run our homes and social/professional life and children and care for our elderly parents - but I don’t think anyone can do that.
Also it’s the live in carers job to care for your Mum. It isn’t your fault/responsibility that he can’t/wont do that. It’s not yours.
In my DPs area the meals on wheels
also offers a well being check. That could be the start of a change in support for your Mum?
As a minimum stop going every day. It’s not sustainable.

This. It’s pretty simple really. Not much fun, because of the fall out I assume. But doable. So do it. Say no. Step back. You have enough on your plate op, stop buying into the guilt. Or say nothing. Keep doing it. Sooner or later you will be ill with stress, overwork etc - don’t your own kids deserve a healthy, happy mum.

I have posted about it in the past @Ritaskitchen, but have changed my username as don’t want people I know who use MN to recognise me.

We had to be up early tomorrow to get her to an appointment for 8am.

I am taking her to two appointments Monday, so my day with my pre-school dc is massively monopolized. I don’t see any other option though as she can’t drive herself anymore.

Can't she get a taxi?
Lots of people don't drive.
They still have to get themselves where they want to go.

Ok, let’s imagine you broke your leg today and couldn’t drive.
How would she get to her appointment then? Thats how she should be getting there now

She wouldn’t be able to get in a taxi. She needs a lot of help in and out the car and I don’t think she’d feel comfortable with a taxi lifting her legs in etc.

You must put your young children first.
I'm sure your mother would have done the same for you.
When the live in carer goes away, your mother needs to either get an agency carer or go into a care home for a short stay.
Be firm!!
Your mother might live for another 20 years.
(Full disclosure I made my mother go into a care hone for a "temporary stay". She was furious for a while but now she likes it. It is the best place for her. I have zero regrets and should have done it sooner. I hope my daughter has the sense to do the same to me.

In this heat, it makes it hard for her to move at all. It took me 30 mins to get her undressed and then dressed in a nightie for bed.

whenever I voice it’s all too much for me I’m sjot down and gaslighted that it’s not at all and it’s just me!

How old is your mum? Sounds like she should be in a care home.
You need to set strict boundaries if you have young children.

if they’re hospital appts she can pre book hospital transport. If not she needs to book a taxi.

you need to create a firm list of boundaries and stick to them.

your mum needs to accept external care

you cannot carry on as you are, trying to be everything to everyone.

Hospital Transport - if it’s a hospital appointment or a taxi service that specializes in driving disabled people?
Im really not saying it is easy. Maybe you will still take her to appointments but won’t do other things. Could arranging a cleaner be a good first step?

I have found a local cleaner but until her house is in an acceptable state she won’t have the cleaner there. That’s going to take me hours to get it up to standard.

Would hospital transport allow her to have a carer with her? She wouldn’t be able to manage on her own once there without one of us as she loses her balance easily.

You can employ carers who will take her to appointments.
You can arrange respite stay in a care home.
You will have to organise these things and make them happen despite her objections.
Tell her you no longer want to be her carer. Or if that's too hard, pretend you have a new job or similar.

My mum said "I didn't realise I was such a burden." I snapped and said "well you are." Not my finest hour, but the truth is the truth. Now she is in the care home we get on fine again.

This sort of behaviour really pisses me off
The number of older people who ‘won’t have carers’ and then burden their children with impossible demands is appalling
Drop the rope. She either gets carers or she doesn’t - while you are prepared to half kill yourself and allow your children to be put last, nothing will change

Another vote for you to say “no”. My Mum started in a care home this week. She didn’t want to. I tried saying that she was making me ill with worry (my blood pressure was going through the roof watching her wander around at night (via the camera). She kept saying that she was managing and that I shouldn’t worry but her falls were getting more frequent. She had 4 carer visits per day but was not safe at night.

I had to dig my heels in and after her last hospital stay I had to say I couldn’t help more. Of Course I feel guilty. She is my mother after all, but I had to say to myself that at my age she was going on trips and enjoying her hobbies. Is this what she really wanted for me??

With me it is being pulled between baby grandchildren who need care while their parents are at work and care for Mum. At the end of the day the babies came first.

No that is not fair. She needs to pay for a deep clean first. You have to say no,

You need to have a diplomatic illness. Diarrhoea and vomiting for example.
If she can’t get herself to bed she needs carers.
Has she got more than 23k savings?

How on earth is she managing at home without carers if she cant get a taxi by herself.
You need to get social services to come in and arrange carers to get her dressed etc. Just tell you you will no longer be doing it as it's beyond what you can manage.
She will have to pay of course. Is this why you and your brother are reluctant? She could live for decades and needs a proper long term solution so your children can have a parent who is able to devote herself to them

I’m thinking about how I came to the decisions about carers then the home. When mum was widowed three years ago she was left alone. Nearest family was 4 hours away. She didn’t want carers but we insisted that the carers that we used for Dad carried on visiting to check on her daily. Their tasks have gradually increased. OP you could not use the same stealth, but the taxis to hospital visits could be a way in. Maybe you could ask on your local Facebook group who does wheelchair taxis. Or ask at your adult social services what local options there are.

You have to have a good talk with yourself that you are not being unreasonable. Come back with follow up

Would she go out for the day whilst the house is deep cleaned by cleaners. The live in carer has a lot to answer for, why are they off the hook with your mum. I would just tell her no, I've had enough, she's taking the piss. Yes it's sad she's struggling and can't cope alone, hence she needs help, but she's going to have to accept she'll have to pay for help, get the live in carer to pull their weight or cope. Just because you can doesn't mean you should, this will come at the expense of your sanity and health. She's going to keep asking you until you say no. You are not being unreasonable. This didn't happen over night, she's had lots of time to sort out whatever arrangements she wants that don't involve taking from you. She's being very selfish, you need to be selfish too. If you're so say making a mountain out of a molehill it won't be that bigger job for your brother or whoever the useless carer is to sort out

Surely we all only have so many units of energy/empathy/giving a fuck/decluttering/lift giving/ meal cooking/hoovering/picking up prescriptions before we reach the end and break. She's going to be upset, well then she'll have to engage with the cleaner, get carers in etc. It would be reasonable for her to ASK you to help her occasionally with tasks but not EXPECT this level of support. Being a single parent is bloody hard work without all this. Stop, tell her no more.