Struggling to balance my mum’s care needs with my own dc

[walkonwalkoff]

My mum has a number of significant health issues and needs a lot of care.
She is not able to maintain her house any longer, needs help with cooking, getting dressed, toileting etc

She currently refuses outside carers and when I bring it up I’m told I’m unkind and making a mountain out of a molehill.

I am a single parent to my own young children and trying to juggle her care with running her house and mine is too much.

Her house all needs sorting and declutterring plus cleaning but she’s too embarassed to use anyone outside to do it an I’m too drained to do it.

It’s enough effort to maintain the most basic level of hygiene. This is all while my two little ones make a mess that I then don’t have the energy to tidy away so end uup shoving it all somewhere untl tue next day.

I then go home and have them have to face my own washing/cleaning/tidying and I’m just so tired.

Another family member is her live in carer but is awful at housework and does the bare minimum. When he works away for up to a few weeks at a time, it all falls to me.

I can’t keep doing it but don’t see a way out. She only 5 mins away and we’re here daily.

All help and advice welcome.

in my experience the elderly regress into being children. only think of themselves. no consideration for anyone else. thoughtless. dont like change. can handle decision making. they aren't themselves. they can’t help it. they change.

sometimes you have to just do whats best for them. even if they dont want it. tough. theyve had their life. ours cannot be ruined to make them happy. there has to be a cut off.

so i’d suggest you get in touch with social work.

id also suggest your brother needs to pull his weight and do more cleaning and tidying. if he’s depressed he needs to go to his gp and get medication. it’s no excuse for sitting on his arse. get him told. make the appointment if necessary. men are useless at such things.

with regard to a cleaner i’d suggest you “hurt your back” and therefore have to get one and for the first few times you are there too. “shes helping me mum it’s nothing to do with you, go and sit down please, ive got it in hand”.

after that you might want to not be there. it’s a pest at first but it’s a means to an end which may result in her accepting the cleaner being there.

and for the outraged keyboard warriors on MN about to type in the OP shouldn’t have to do these things ……yes i fucking know you shouldn’t have to do these things but sometimes you have to do stuff to make other stuff happen. old people are fickle. they want it how it’s always been. and when they cant manage they dont care as they want it how it’s always been. it’s somehow everyone else’s problem to enable that. When it’s obvious that change must happen and they are flying in the face of a tsunami of change. it cannot be stopped.

with regard to home care it’s the same. you be there when they come to dress or undress her the first few times. get her used to them. then dont be there.

make sure the carers know you will NOT be doing care yourself again so if mum says you will it’s A LIE. Get her told the same. Not happening mum. You refuse the carers and youre on your OWN. having them here avoids you going into care unless you prefer that….no you say, oh well carers it is then ok.

can your mum afford help?
initially could you get in and blitz the house over a weekend/ few days then pay for a deep clean?

my mum’s situation sounds almost identical to where we were a few years back. Once I got it straight I insisted she had a cleaner.

She was quite reluctant at first particularly clearing the excess junk in her house, but I got quite ruthless. I probably halved the contents of her house. It has made such a difference and I can visit without dreading it now. I can be quite bossy though !!

OP you have to tough it out - if you cave to these demands they will keep coming. Your mum needs carers to visit several times a day if she needs help washing/dressing/toileting/getting to bed/meal preparation/medication/taking to appointments - that is all too much for one person, especially if you have small children! They must be your priority and you have to be firm. Care can be put in place for your mum but you have to make the decision not to do it all and stick to that, despite the emotional blackmail.

Just don’t do it . She needs more care than you can reasonably provide and should be in a care home . Failing that she needs carers in whether she likes it or not .

Post remove as I responded to the wrong post.

He is supposed to be her live-in carer but he doesn't really do anything. Just stop going round and leave them to it.

Does he claim Carer's Allowance?

Repeat that it's too much and leave. Refer her to social services and make yourself very unavailable. Would you behave this way to one of your kids?

I hope I don’t do this to my adult children. Dreadful.

Has she had a needs assessment by Adult Social Services? This should be the first step in you taking a back seat. Once she has been assessed, you will all know what her care needs are. If your brother wont step up, you then will need to tell SS that you are unable to participate as you are approaching carer breakdown. The onus is on your LA to provide care if there is no family able to do so.

You need to stand firm on this. I say this as someone who cared for their parent for 11 years, six of those as live-in. It is hard work, both physically and mentally.

I’m sorry to say that, however often you post this, there is no magical change that will result in your mother not bursting into tears when you say no to her.

I hope that writing the posts give you some comfort in this very difficult situation. For some reason - probably lifelong training by your mother - you aren’t able to prioritise the family who actually need you most - your children, for whom you are irreplaceable - over your mother, whose needs are largely practical and easily outsourced.

What’s distressing is that in most (unfortunately not all) of these situations, the elderly person is in much better shape once the carers are going in etc.

Your mother and brother are massively taking advantage of you. It is NOT your responsibility to clean up after them. They are not your dependants and they are not babies. They need to take responsibility for their own mess/lives. Make your decision as to what you are going to do, tell them and DO NOT give reasons why. It is the reasons they are using against you to guilt you. "Because it doesnt work for me" is the only reason you should give - on repeat if necessary. They will call you all the names under the sun, and probably get the flying monkeys to do so too but you really need to stand firm.

I'd start with the cleaner. Book a session to clean the bathroom only. It will take a while for someone to deep clean it properly. All you could do before hand is spend 10 mins with a bin bag if that is necessary. Then book the cleaner to return weekly to maintain the bathroom.

Next do the same in the kitchen. Clear with a bin bag only, then get the cleaner to deep clean - this may take a few weeks to empty cupboards etc depending on how many hours your mother/brother can afford as there is NO WAY YOU SHOULD BE PAYING for this.

If your mother doesnt like it - well tough she can find some other mug - as you no longer have the time. You have summer holidays coming up I assume and therefore need to spend more time with the kids. They dont deserve to watch their mother being screamed at by their ungrateful grandmother and uncle for being treated like a skivvy.

Next time your brother goes away for work tell him carers need booking for the get up/dressed and the go to bed times as you cannot cover those jobs and be fair to your kids.

Meals can be microwaved especially when the kitchen isn't clean enough for you to prep food in. Tell her you will cook 1 family meal once a week the evening the cleaner has cleaned the kitchen and will clean up after yourself. She stops the cleaner you stop the family meal.

All of this is easy for outsiders to say and difficult for you to deliver but clearly.something has to change. Your reward will be seeing changes in your kids - they will thrive on getting more of your time and energy. Good Luck!

Is DB contributing to the household or living cost free whilst not really being a carer? What did your DM do for your DGM? It’s all well and good not wanting outside help but if she can’t cope alone, she can’t dump the responsibility on you. She can make a choice but so can you.

Could you bring her to yours for the day and have cleaners go in for a full deep clean without her there?

This. The words are Mum I am a single parent and I’m struggling and about to have a nervous breakdown which will be catastrophic for me and for my children and my mental health. I can not manage your house as well as mine - you are able to have carers and that is what they do - literally there on the job title. This is no longer a conversation for me. Now you can either work with me and get the carers and support you want or you can do it yourself via social services and being taken into care etc if they judge you not to be coping and then you and I won’t have a say.

If you says anything about you being unkind - say loudly and clearly - No Mum it is you being unkind bringing me to this point where I’m going to have a breakdown and at that point I’m in a hospital recovering and your grandchildren will be in care. This is unkind of you.
You need to face reality. I love you but I’m not doing any more for you Unless you work with me to get carers asap.

I did this with an elderly friend once (no family) and I was firm and didn’t back down. She got upset when I said it and the next day (after no help) said she would get a carer sorted but in 7 days hadn’t and so I repeated I was done and told her she could ring me when she could prove she had contacted others for help - that time it worked.

Tell your brother he can do one too, why would he say you should clean a kitchen when you don't even live there. You seem resigned to your situation, I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve with this thread. Everyone is telling you to stand up to your mother and you repeat what she said. Nobody here has the magic answer, you'll have to stand up for yourself.

I have found a local cleaner but until her house is in an acceptable state she won’t have the cleaner there. That’s going to take me hours to get it up to standard.

OP, please stop! You have children who need you yet you're fussing about your mum who refuses to have a cleaner and

is going to take me hours to get it up to standard.

You do NOT have to clean her house!

Drop the fucking rope, before you wear yourself out.

Being burnt out is a real thing. You never really recover so be there for your kids and not a selfish, possibly self-indulging mother who is utterly selfish, possibly alzheimers, lost her marbles anyway.

Been there, done that....

People just get self obsessed as they age. You read it about it here every day.

Wishing you the best. And stand up for yourself.

HRTFT... I find threads like this heartbreaking for the DC involved. You are allowing DM to think she has choices. She only thinks that because her 'carer' isn't caring and she won't even let you lighten your load through manipulation and bullying.
Please think of your DC. Imagine what it's like for them. They are your priority. The situation is untenable and I think you need to withdraw completely.
If you broke a leg or worse what would DM do? That's the choice she has, none. Please put your DC first because at the moment you aren't and that's not fair on them.

OP I was the child in a not dissimilar situation (no adult male sibling involved though). I hated it, it made everything miserable and affected weekends, holidays and any time not spent at school because everything revolves around the needs of the elderly person. School was the safe space away from all of that with people who actually listened to me. It has taken me years to get over the damage this did.

Please put your children first and stop
helping your mother.

Book a deep clean for your Mum. You don’t need to clean it yourself.

Absolutely.
You and your brother have done more than enough. Your mother is utterly selfish now, even if she wasn't before. She will not make sensible decisions so you need to do it for her. It's hard. But I did it. As did other posters. You have to be clear and firm. Eg
"We cannot live like this anymore." "We both want to go away this summer." "You will have to go into a care home for 6 weeks." "We have found a good one and we have booked you in from 20 July."
You just have to do it. For the sake of your children.

You leave her to it. She is an adult and if she refuses care and support that’s her problem. She’s manipulating you.

That's not gas lighting! It's a difference of opinion. You know your own commitments and the time you've got available to help DM. So it doesn't really matter what your mum thinks you should be able to do for her.

I can understand that you want to take her to medical appointments etc and it isn't as easy to find someone else to do things like that. However it is relatively easy to find someone to help her at home. She will only realise that she needs to get outside help if you stop being at her beck and call every day.

Hospital transport will use a wheelchair to transfer her I think?

You need to stop taking what your mother (and "live-in carer"?) say to heart. Why would you rather go along with what is obviously untrue "it's just you, it isn't a problem for you" etc - clearly bollocks - than look after yourself and set reasonable boundaries?

That is a serious question. Until you have answered it (to yourself, we don't need to know!) you will remain stuck.

Why isn’t the live in carer doing the caring?