Struggling to balance my mum’s care needs with my own dc

[walkonwalkoff]

My mum has a number of significant health issues and needs a lot of care.
She is not able to maintain her house any longer, needs help with cooking, getting dressed, toileting etc

She currently refuses outside carers and when I bring it up I’m told I’m unkind and making a mountain out of a molehill.

I am a single parent to my own young children and trying to juggle her care with running her house and mine is too much.

Her house all needs sorting and declutterring plus cleaning but she’s too embarassed to use anyone outside to do it an I’m too drained to do it.

It’s enough effort to maintain the most basic level of hygiene. This is all while my two little ones make a mess that I then don’t have the energy to tidy away so end uup shoving it all somewhere untl tue next day.

I then go home and have them have to face my own washing/cleaning/tidying and I’m just so tired.

Another family member is her live in carer but is awful at housework and does the bare minimum. When he works away for up to a few weeks at a time, it all falls to me.

I can’t keep doing it but don’t see a way out. She only 5 mins away and we’re here daily.

All help and advice welcome.

What’s actually wrong with her and how old is she?

I think the live in carer is a relative who also works.

She needs to book hospital transport then.

It's very hard but you need to say no to her.

I suspect the 'live-in carer' (who does what, exactly?) won't want your mother paying for care or going into a home, because presumably the home will need to be sold.

Are they benefiting from free or reduced rent? There's your answer.

You can, and should, start saying no. Put your children- and yourself - first.

Leave it. Leave the mess. Tell her you don't have the energy to do it. Full stop, no argument, no debate.
Tell her you'll help arrange deep clean, regular cleaners, carers (if you want to do that).

Add a vote on here, I think you'll find it's not just you, I bet the result would be the vast majority wouldn't do this for our mothers. I love my mother very much, and like to think I would do anything for her. However there's a limit. Your mother is way beyond the limit that I would accept. She's not going to figure this out and find an alternative whilst you're doing all this for her. Put yourself and your children first. Tell her no.

I feel for you! It sounds to me like you have been brought up to put your mother before yourself all your life. Mine was a bit like this, although she was willing to pay a cleaner and gardener thankfully.

Do you often feel like you're never good enough, and go out of your way to show that you are?

You don't have to, you know! The sky won't fall in if she has to book transport. Does she have a wheelchair or a walker? I could not get mum into to my car one day for a GP appointment, and her usual taxi service recommended a local company which specialises in taking disabled people. It's not cheap, but well worth it if she has the funds. If not, she surely is eligible for hospital transport?

I get so sick of the selfishness of some elderly parents in refusing outside carers. And also other family members who do nothing of any use but expect you to pick up the slack.

I will assume it is a brother who is living with her but not actually caring for her. Because I have one who was the same. He complained about her and she complained about him, relentlessly. He gave up his rented home to move in with her and then got stuck there because he couldn't afford to move back out.

If she has funds, let the pair of them sort out carers. If not, contact GP/adult services, and ask for their advice, being clear that you are unable to care for her yourself. And don't give an inch! They may write you up as unwilling rather than unable, but ignore that as they will use guilt to manipulate you.

when I said again I cannot do the evening care for an upcoming two week block, I was told that family supports family and I’m being ‘so destructive.’ Then the tears came and I was told how upsetting and sad it was an asked repeatedly WHY. Me saying it’s too much for me wasn’t an acceptable answer.

She doesn't have to understand, you just need to put in place what you want. This level of care can't continue and it's not fair on you.

And, if you can't be strong for yourself do so for your children, this life is definitely not fair on them! What are they doing when you are busy with your manipulative mother?!! Have an 'illness' that gives you a break and makes your brother put some care in place, he'll sort it out if it means him having to do what you are doing! You deserve a better mother💐

She's being ridiculous. And you have been groomed into thinking you must appease her. It takes a lot of courage to step away and let the chips fall, but you can do it. You will become ill yourself if you don't take a break.
And if family supports family - how is she supporting you? She's not, is she?

‘I’ve made my decision mum and I am not discussing it any more’

Stay firm OP. "I don't care if you think it's acceptable or not Mum, this is what I am doing and this is what I can't do." Focus on your DC. Your mum needs to pay for care.

Looking after aging parents is such a difficult job, more so when they refuse outside help.
If i were you i would try & get in touch with her GP practice and fully explain the situation. Ask if they can refer her to Social Services, if not you can get in touch with them yourself. That would be a good starting point, make sure you are present for any home visits. That way you can hopefully let them in if your mum becomes awkward and you can also speak from your point of view. She might still refuse outside help but I think you would need to stand your ground and say you just don't have the time or energy to continue the way you are.
Good Luck

You need to start being honest about this for a start. Your brother is living with her? Presumably rent free? But he’s not actually doing any caring or any cleaning, and you are doing it instead?

what was the agreement when he moved in? Or has he never left?

Yes my brother lives with her. He moved out for 10 years but moved back in when she couldn’t manage alone.

He does the bare minimum with cleaning. he claims he can’t do much due to a knee injury and depression.
As an example, if the kitchen is a mess, he will do the dishwasher but leave the sides dirty, floors unswept and rubbish not put in the bin. I have to feed my dc there a lot due to when I’m supporting, but when he does the dishwasher he often won’t put their stuff in saying I should do it. He will leave the laundry till there’s no clean clothes etc.

Are there other siblings or is it just you and your brother? I'd call a family meeting with all the siblings and your mother where you set out (possibly in writing) what you feel your brother should do and what you can/are willing to do, with the demand that any shortfalls be picked up by a care agency. And when your mother says your being mean or not fulfilling some imagined "duty", shrug and say that's as may be, but you've a family to care for and that's all your able to do for her at this time. And then stick to that, regardless (or give them time to get carers in if they've agreed to that).

Honestly OP, you need to stop being such a doormat!
Im not saying that to be unkind but for crying out loud, they are both taking the absolute piss out of you. And you are letting them

Just the two of us, so no other siblings to help!

If your brother expects you to clean the house you are living in because he is unable to do so then the rent he pays his mum to live there can be used to pay for a cleaner

All the more reason to clearly set out your boundaries. Call a meeting with your mum and your brother and clearly say what you are able and willing to do, what your brother should do and then what carers will do. When your mum insists she doesn't want carers, then say that the only other option will be to have her go into a home, possibly selling her own home in order to do it. That should shock both her and your brother into taking some action.

But you have to actually mean it and be willing to act on it. Give a grace period so that carers can be sourced, but if they are completely resistant to that, just drop down to what you honestly have said you can do, and only do that. Either she or your brother will then have to do something about getting her other needs met. Not you.

Do you feel that your mum has mental capacity? As hard as it is, if she has I think you have to just say no. You've explained to your mum that you can't do it. If she has mental capacity and needs stuff doing HER response to that should have been to contact social services and get a care assessment done, or to contact care agencies herself. All the while she doesn't sort care and you do it, her not sorting care works for her, so she doesn't need to do it. You have to make it not work for her...!

Well it's too bad if she doesn't accept your answer. You don't need to get her to agree, you need to stand firm on what you can and cannot do. She is the way she is and you're not going to change her, but you can change your own actions.
It's not easy, but you need to do it for your own sake and the other people in your life.

@walkonwalkoff your family member is not a live in carer if he's working including weeks away at a time and doesn't do the basics if what's needed when he's there. Sounds more like rent free accommodation with minimal care involved on his terms.
Mum is calling all the shots with you and her emotional blackmail is working. You need to toughen up and commit to what is actually manageable for you (which might be very little). Her live in carer can then work out with her how the rest can be covered, lots of good suggestions on here.
Be prepared for falling out, just keep re-stating what you are able to do and don't react to anything else. It's not all on you if you don't allow it to be.

What care / support does you mother need? And what does your brother do?

What’s your relationship with your brother like? Does he have any life outside living with your mum / knee injury / depression / work? Why did he move back in if he’s not actually providing any care?