DM won’t go to GP despite sudden weight loss and back pain

[GoldenGretchen]

DM lives with us. 79, very active up to this week. Lifelong smoker. Dog walking an hour a day, coffee with friends. In the last week she’s suddenly gone downhill. She’s not had a great appetite since March, has put it down to a virus. In the last week she’s stopped eating, just picking at a couple of mouthfuls. She’s lost a huge amount of weight in two weeks or less. Terrible back pain keeping her awake at night. She’s doing almost nothing but lying on her bed. Not cooking, not dog walking, not functioning. She’s clearly very ill. She’s always had white coat syndrome and won’t go to the GP. I have two DCs under 10 at home. I love her, we moved in with her so I can look after her but I need her to go to the GP! She just gets cross with me because she’s frightened. Just venting really so I keep my patience with her as I totally understand why she’s putting her head in the sand but it’s so hard to watch her in pain. I’m realistic about likely outcomes. Glad of this page.

Can you ask the GP / someone from their team to visit your Mum? It sounds like she could be in too much pain to make the visit herself

She could go, I’d drive her. She “doesn’t want to be a nuisance”. I’ve offered to call 111, she doesn’t want me to. Atm I’m keeping an eye and will phone GP Monday if all else fails. She’s fearsomely stubborn and independent.

I'd ring on Monday and ask for a home visit.

GPs visit those who are housebound or terminally ill. If she has capacity she has to want to be seen.

But if you rung me as her GP and told ne what you have said here, I'd offer to send her a text saying that we need her in the surgery for a blood pressure check if that would help get her there......

I have elderly parents and even though I hate lying, I have lied in situations like this.

Could you say you have googled it and believe she has a kidney infection and needs antibiotics?

You use the same techniques as I used to! Quite often very successful!

This is the thing. She absolutely has capacity and absolutely doesn’t want to be seen.

She’s had high blood pressure for a while. If they ring her for a check up she decides there must be a problem so she pretends she hasn’t had the message. She was told a few years ago it was likely she’d had a minor heart attack so she cancelled the appointment with the consultant in case it was true. Have to admire her determination!

Well you can’t make her see a doctor. Is there anyone else she might actually listen to?

That’s why I’m having a silent scream here 🙈

I may phone her oldest friend to get her to check in with a call.

Can you tell her she IS being a nuisance to you as she could be making a problem worse for herself and for you to manage!

Oh I have done! I think she’s likely to capitulate on Monday. She doesn’t want to be a nuisance to the doctor at the weekend.

Then I'm afraid that is her right, difficult though it is for you

Exactly. I went through similar with DF so I’m doing my best to keep my frustration away from her because it’s entirely up to her how she deals with it. Thank goodness for anonymous forums!

I am sorry she is suffering so much. The back pain keeping her awake at night is a red flag. She needs to be seen urgently. I would phone 111 on her behalf to see if A&E is required. This is very hard for you especially with young children - do you have a partner to support you? Sometimes you need to take charge of the steering wheel in such situations - for your DM well-being but also for your DCs in the house. Best of luck.

That’s a good approach to suggest it’s easily fixed - as it sounds like she is terrified of something sinister.

She’s agreed to go to GP on Monday. DH is being brilliant. I’ll see how things are looking on Monday. May have to take a bit more action if she doesn’t tell them the whole truth. Thanks everyone. Just helps me stay sane and calm! DH and I have a well practised plan for separating DCs and poorly GPs during my late Dad’s illness.

That’s great news. Good to hear you have support. I would be minded to get ahead of her and tell the GP what you know privately beforehand saying that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance. It will be counterproductive if it becomes clear that she has withheld info or minimised after the appointment.

Best of luck today @GoldenGretchen

Thank you @Anastasiaa. DM agreed to go to the GP today. The GP took one look at her and called an ambulance. Am still at A&E with her now.

I was standing behind DM at the GP, nodding vigorously in answer to the questions DM was evading.

@GoldenGretchen sending hugs to you both x

My dad was like this. Almost died of a dvt before the hp came out. My mum was meaning about him being so stupid..... then did much the same herself but quite to dad's extent. It's beyound frustrating. Fingers crossed op for good news and well done getting her in!