DM won’t go to GP despite sudden weight loss and back pain

[GoldenGretchen]

DM lives with us. 79, very active up to this week. Lifelong smoker. Dog walking an hour a day, coffee with friends. In the last week she’s suddenly gone downhill. She’s not had a great appetite since March, has put it down to a virus. In the last week she’s stopped eating, just picking at a couple of mouthfuls. She’s lost a huge amount of weight in two weeks or less. Terrible back pain keeping her awake at night. She’s doing almost nothing but lying on her bed. Not cooking, not dog walking, not functioning. She’s clearly very ill. She’s always had white coat syndrome and won’t go to the GP. I have two DCs under 10 at home. I love her, we moved in with her so I can look after her but I need her to go to the GP! She just gets cross with me because she’s frightened. Just venting really so I keep my patience with her as I totally understand why she’s putting her head in the sand but it’s so hard to watch her in pain. I’m realistic about likely outcomes. Glad of this page.

You’re all so kind. Once we know a bit more we can make plans to make the most of whatever is left. She’s very strong at the moment but we’ve both had a good cry. She’s lived with both her grandchildren all their lives and they adore her, so that’s a lovely memory for them.

I'm so sorry sorry to read your update.
Thinking of you and your family.

I'm so sorry, love. Thank goodness you insisted on the doc so your mum can be helped with her pain.

I’m so very sorry.

I hope you get to take her home soon - don’t be afraid to refuse further investigations. They always seem to want to do these to understand more but the big picture is that she won’t have very long and you’ll need to decide how she wants to spend that time.

So sorry to hear this OP. Sending you hugs and 🙏

I am so Incredibly sorry 😔 I was reading the comments hoping your mum had went to the GP, then seen your update. Sending you hugs x

It's so frustrating when they're like this , but sometimes its stubbornness, mind over matter or genuine fright at what will be found. If shes this bad this quickly and given her age do you think she'd want any treatment for whatever it is ? I think just dont get yourself down about it as easy as that sounds, when my elderly parents were alive I had to just switch off to it in the end

I didn't see this part of the update, ignore my previous post. Im very sorry to hear this op

Im so very sorry OP. It was a very similar story with my late MIL. We found that some doctors were still in “fix it” mode and wanted to operate to alleviate symptoms and DH had to push back to say palliative care only. MIL didn’t have the weeks that a healthy person would have needed for recovery from surgery, so it would have been no benefit to her. The NHS is struggling but the individuals within it go out of their way to be kind in this situation.

Sending hugs and best wishes.

From a total stranger, I’m so proud of you that you actually managed to get her to the GP. The back pain and weight loss led me to suspecting Pancreatic cancer. Your GP was bang on it. I’m
sending you lots of love as you suddenly are thrown into this turmoil. 🩷

You’re so right. It sounds as though she’s had a fabulous relationship with your DC and that is wonderful

I'm so sorry OP, it's such a shock. I totally understand how you feel as my lovely Mum had the same diagnosis. You will find your way through it all - sending you all so much love.

So very sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you x

Oh how heartbreaking. I am so sorry OP. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you, your mum and your family OP.

Sorry to read that bad news x x

@GoldenGretchen So sorry to hear. Weightloss and back pain was a pretty good indicator which is why she probably didn't want to see the GP. Atleast now she will get some help with her pain- she must have been suffering in silence because the pain is horrible (have many relatives who died of cancer sadly). You sound like such a lovely daughter- your mother is so lucky to have you X

I'm so sorry. That's hard news to hear

Really very sorry to hear this. I hope that she will get some effective pain relief and be comfortable. I think pancreatic cancer is the most ruthless and maybe her going to the Dr any earlier would have the same outcome. I hope your DCs can have some more comfortable and more precious time with your Mum. I am so sorry.

I knew it would be cancer that had metastasised into the spine as soon as I read “back pain” and yet I was still somehow hoping it wouldn’t be. I’m sorry, OP. My neighbour had the exact same last year except it originated in her lungs. Wishing you all the best with the time you have together. 💐

Oh I’m so sorry OP. My lovely Mum had the same, I think she knew and didn’t want it ‘officially’ confirmed but the pain was too much for her xxx

Sending strength and love for the coming days xxxx

So sorry to hear this. When I saw the post where you explained her symptoms , I feared it was this as I lost my dad not long ago and the symptoms were identical. I hope she can be as pain free as possible and you can spend as much time with her as you are able .

@GoldenGretchen so sorry to hear this news x sending hugs to you all x

Your mum has been very brave. Now she can get the painkillers she needs. You have to be brave now.

If you can’t force her then it’s just one of those things, it could be sinister but sometimes when people get to that age they don’t really want anything to be done about it. I mean chemo, ops and all that.