How to start staying elsewhere when visiting elderly parents?

[Thatsnotallgood]

I'm reading this forum increasingly frequently these days and hoping someone here might be in a similar situation. I've name changed for this post but been on MN for years.

I'm 60 and my DPs are mid 80s. We have a good relationship. They live pretty independently and are in reasonable health (they both take medication for a range of conditions but all seems under control). No signs of dementia as far as I can see but I do see many of the patterns of behaviour that I've read about in other posts on here (eg repeating stories over and over again, their world getting smaller and them both being less willing to try anything new etc).

Anyway, I live in the SE and they are in the north of England. I'm retired now and try to visit every 6 weeks or so for a few days. My issue is that I am starting to dread staying in their house. I know I should have stopped this years ago, however since my divorce many years ago, it was only me and sometimes DS who visited so they have always had the space to accommodate.

I find myself being totally drained by the time I leave them. For example, the constant noise from their television which they have on much of the day but only half watch because they are pottering about elsewhere. Also, the heat of the house is an issue as I'm still experiences hot flushes (thought they'd have gone by now!) and I know older people feel the cold more but it honestly makes me feel unwell.

There's a whole range of other issues that drive me mad, and I'm also conscious that I probably interrupt their routine too. I just think they would be offended if I said that I'm going to rent an airbnb from now on. If I did this, I feel I'd be able to get on with things in my own life too (eg I still do a little freelance work) whilst going back and forward to visit.

Has anyone else managed to make this change?

Honesty and tell them you want to see them, they have their ways and you have yours - so best to enjoy each other rather than you not come at all as the hot flushes and your menopausal hearing is making you ill

blame yourself

Did you grow up near where they live and could potentially have friends still there?
I'd stay in a nearby hotel or BnB use the 'catching up with friends' in addition to see them.
If you don't have friends there, I'd still stay elsewhere.

@MikeRafone I have considered doing that but I can imagine it causing a bit of a fuss and lots of 'oh we'll turn the heating down/TV off' type comments and I'll just feel like I'm making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I'm wondering about trying to do this gradually. For example DS might come with me next time so I could say that he might be bringing his girlfriend with him who they haven't met so it'll be easier to just rent somewhere for us all. Then if DS's GF can't come 'at the last minute due to work' or similar then it can't be helped but I'll have paid for the airbnb so best use it etc. That might get them used to the idea? Obviously I couldn't do that the next time but it might make it easier for me to say how well it seemed to work and I felt better about not creating work for them by having to put me up etc etc.

Lived at opposite end of the country from my DPs,
I started staying in a hotel so they didn’t have so much extra washing of bedlinen, towels etc and didn’t have to worry about cooking extra meals - at least that’s what I told them. TBF they truly did find all the extra ‘work’ onerous so it was the perfect excuse.
Like you, I was bored out of my brains I wanted to be able to visit museums and galleries when I was in the city but always had to ‘justify’ where I was going and why, plus they really couldn’t cope with changing their routine.

Yes, I did this and said I was going to catch up with a local friend who needed support, and would stay over there but come back in the morning. Then I'd book myself a hotel room.

I think your best out here is your work, maybe you'll be able to stay a few days but have to have a video meeting or two with a client which needs better internet than they have. Or you have lots of paperwork for a project which you need to spread out which would make a mess.
As you say, a first stay elsewhere 'because of ds's gf' is a great excuse, and then builds a foundation for the others. I would be it would only take 3 times of you staying elsewhere before it becomes the new normal

I’d develop a back problem which required me to book a particular type of bed. Because I never uttered the word ‘period’ or ‘menopause’ to my mother.

Tbh I think you could be overthinking this. Just book somewhere and tell them. Yes you will have to have the conversation about why you are doing it and why you shouldn’t be doing it and how you are still going to be doing it every time you speak to them for - let’s say three years? But eventually there will come a day where they simply assume you won’t be staying with them. Human nature being what it is you may find yourself slightly upset on that day.

It’s good hear that others have found a way through this. My parents do live in the area I was brought up but I’ve been away so long I no longer have friends there, or certainly no one I’d likely to be staying with.

@NotATumshie you’ve put your finger on it with the boredom comment. I just want to be able to come and go a bit without feeling like I’m disrupting everyone’s routine.

@CMOTDibbler i think that work could offer some options as you say, and I agree that finding a couple of excuses for the next visit or two might reset things. I know I’m possibly overthinking things as @PermanentTemporary says, I just worry about upsetting them.

I know you worry about upsetting them, but you matter too and this upsets you.
I'd go with being vague on the reasons as it's more difficult for them to come back with counter arguments.
"I've booked a hotel/whatever for when I come up next month, I think it'll be easier all round and give us a bit of space" Firm tone, talk about what you will do with them.
If they argue, say "Well it's booked, let's see how it goes"

This is what I’d suggest. Claim you have a friend nearby or something you wanted to see/do so you’re just packing everything in together.

I'm so glad you posted this, @Thatsnotallgood I have been wrestling with the same problem. The ideas here are really helpful.
Just wanted to let you know, having gone into Menopause at 38, now aged 53, the one thing that seems to stop hot flushes in their tracks is to cut out ALL cane sugar. Xx

I used to sleep on a put u up bed in the living room at my parents. I hated it. Also I often get up for the loo in the night and as the bathroom is right next to their bedrooms I constantly woke them up as they don't close their bedroom doors.
Like wise the heat and the television was a big issue.

In the end I just told them that I was just going to stay at a hotel or air bnb as it was fairer on all of us. I think they were a bit shocked to start with, but they totally accept it now. It also gives me a few hours of space from them and it means there is no creeping around trying not to disturb them.

I’d do this. No apologies. No excuses. Just done. It works best for you, you like your own space and future proofs visits for when they’re not well enough to host etc.,That’s enough. They might be a little upset if they feel it’s a sign that they’re aging. But they are! Ther child has reached retirement age. Be considerate of their potential feelings but don’t be controlled by them.

I would just say I am going to stay in a hotel because I'm not sleeping well at the moment and want to be able to potter about and stay up late without worrying about making noise. That would be true for me anyway. I wouldn't want to stay at my parents' house for this reason alone. I actually don't really like staying at anyone's house if I have a choice.

This is perfect. Present it as a done deal.

I’m having similar with my 81 year old mother (I am 59) - she wants to go on breaks away with me, which I don’t mind in itself, but she wants to share a room with me. I’ve tried it - it was horrendous, so next time I will have to SAY, not suggest, that we will be having separate rooms.

Things I’ve read on here that are useful to bear in mind when dealing with elderly parents -
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
At various times you’re going to either feel guilt or resentment, choose guilt.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm (especially not if you’re menopausal!)

I said I just need my own space and that was the end of it.

Are they tech savvy and do they have wifi? If not you could say you need to rent an air b n b in order to use high speed internet for work

Ideally you just state it, kindly but with out apology "Mum, I love coming to see you but I've got to the stage now where I just really like a bit of space at the end of the day." But if you really don't think that will go down okay I would either tell them you need to work and have rented a place with a decent work area so that they don't have to tip toe around you or go with a little white lie about having a bad back that the spare bed exacerbates - "Oh it's been getting worse for a while now, but after the last visit I was in pain for another two weeks. I just can't face it. The cottage I've rented has a special mattress that should be better. It's a really cute place so I get to see you and get a little holiday too!"

Are you sure they would mind you staying elsewhere ? They might prefer it too but don't say anything because they think it may upset you.

Just do it. It will be commented on the first time, and after that it’s just what you always do.

I made this change a few years ago now and honestly our relationship is better for it.

My FIL heaved a huge sigh of relief when we stopped staying with him, it was too much for all of us as he got older, but we switched after the enforced break of the Covid lockdowns, just said we thought it would be easier all round and booked into a nearby hotel.

Complete sympathy with this. Luckily my parents are relatively local so this isn’t an issue but in laws are a 4 hour drive away so we stay two days but neither of us sleeps and we always need a few days to recover.
There is a really nice hotel five mins walk away that id love to stay at just so we can have some peace and quiet at some point and eat food that suits me but they’d be offended. It’s difficult all round.

I don't know OP, but I feel your pain! I can't stand staying in my DM's house. Similar issues - it's too hot, the bloody television is always blaring away with some stupid gameshow, and the house is so dirty. DM can't see very well and absolutely refuses to have a cleaner. She hates anyone strange in her space and doesn't want someone 'poking around' 🙄 But I'm very clean and tidy and can't bear being somewhere that's so dusty and covered in cat hair. Her sofas make me feel ill. So far what I've done is cut my visits down more and more. I go 2-3 times per year and only stay for 48 hours and I dread even those.

We went up over Easter actually, but she was away so we stayed in a hotel and it was lovely (we saw other family members). DM and I don't really get on very well, she finds me irritating and I find her critical, so I think at some point I'm just going to bite the bullet, even though despite all that I know she will be very put out. The problem is that my older DC is adored by DM and he adores her back, so he wants to stay and she wants him there. She isn't half so bothered by younger DC, a feeling that is reciprocated, but it's another issue!

Their feelings are not more important than yours. You are making the effort to visit them regularly, and if you will be more comfortable staying in an hotel or Airbnb , then that’s OK. Use work as the excuse if you have to. But tell them with a confident smile on your face and present it as a done deal. Don’t over justify it, just tell them you’ve booked a room and move on. Their main concern may well be that you don’t want to spend time with them, so as long as you reassure them that you do, that this is just a convenience issue, all should be well. Don’t let them spiral into catastrophising “ Does that mean you’ll never sleep at our house again?” (Which is what my mother would do).
Just remember, your comfort is as important as theirs.