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Elderly parents
Original poster

Help? I'm drowning....

56 replies

gettinghappy · 26/03/2026 23:06

What do you do when you are caring for 3 generations of people and you are the only one doing any organising or taking any responsibility?

My own kids (both have complex needs), chronically ill/housebound father who refuses most offers of outside support, grandmother in her 90s about to move from hospital to carehome and the only point of contact, or person taking any responsibility for organising anything is me. This has been ongoing for several years. Abd I don't live near-by

I have put in some boundaries and backed off in the past, tryied to hand over to SW. But right now I'm the only contact for hospital/SW etc and the calls are relentless. My grandmother's house is going to have to be emptied at some point too and I really can't face having to organise that.

I do have siblings who live very close to both elderly folk but they've washed their hands of all responsibility. I live over an hour away and have very needy children due to their disabilities. I am struggling.

I'd love to just call the hospital/SW and say to take my number off their records. But then there's no one to take the call, we won't know when my grandmother is moved, to where or even if she dies.

I'd like nothing better than to wash my hands of it all, just like my siblings, and just concentrate on being the best mum I can be for my kids....but how? I can't force my siblings to step up or to even offer their number as a contact.

Please if you've any solution to this, I would really love to hear it. Can I really just remove myself, before I break?

P.s: Our relationships with both elderly
relatives aren't great. All I'm feeling
right now is overwhelm and
resentment abd cant really
see a way through this where I.

don't lose my mind .

OP posts:
Life0nH0ldPart2 · 01/04/2026 16:56

Your DGran is safe & cared for

You need to concentrate on yourself & your immediate children & family

Take care

Life0nH0ldPart2 · 01/04/2026 17:13

Your DGran is safe & cared for

You need to concentrate on yourself & your immediate children & family

Take care

Original poster
gettinghappy · 01/04/2026 20:23

BernardButlersBra · 31/03/2026 23:51

Rock solid and sky high boundaries are the only way. People won't like and will escalate but hold firm. Sending sympathy as l don't mind sorting things for my young children who both under 3. But between them, my job, my own life and health there isn't much left often over for the circling elderly relations who think lm their PA. Don't forget you have the power if you are expected to organise and plan stuff, as they can't make you. You decline to do stuff and then just errr don't do it

My mum is very insistent l will be clearing my hoarder family member house when they die. God knows why as l have said l won't do it and live miles away. It's a 4 bed house with a loft and garage, it would probably take up 2 years annual leave and numerous weekends to do. I told her someone needs to call a house clearance company (not me!). The prodigal brothers (yeah l have 2 of them 🙄) are "too busy" and can't assist according to her

As others have said then you and your children need to come first

I'm sorry you are travelling a similar path. I can set the boundaries but I feel awful. My very deep rooted sense of responsibility is what got me to this place (together with people happy to take advantage)and I need to deal with it. I've sorted counselling to help me to stay strong and not back down. I'm also trying hard to practice the Let Them theory 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
gettinghappy · 01/04/2026 20:24

Life0nH0ldPart2 · 01/04/2026 16:56

Your DGran is safe & cared for

You need to concentrate on yourself & your immediate children & family

Take care

Thank you. You are right and I'm now doing that.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 01/04/2026 20:39

gettinghappy · 26/03/2026 23:21

Need to get my grandmother there first. Currently in hospital, her tenancy will need to be relinquished, house emptied, her stuff packed up that will go with her.

I don't do any physical caring for my dad. It's the organising, the trying to make sure hes safe.

I really have tried stepping back and this is it.

I feel caught between a rock and ha hard place. I'm not close to either, less so my gran, but I wouldn't want to see them suffer as a result of ne saying ,"no more".

Show quote history

I wouldn't worry too much about clearing a rental house completely, assuming it's council .
I had 'non official' responsibility for a distant relative who had to go into care ,me and my husband worked our backsides off clearing her house ,she had lived there for over 60 years .
When the housing officer met us there she was extremely pleasantly surprised with what we had done, had i known i would have let the council clear the majority of it out, we paid ourselves for numerous council collections as a skip wouldn't fit outside her house.

BernardButlersBra · 02/04/2026 10:52

gettinghappy · 01/04/2026 20:23

I'm sorry you are travelling a similar path. I can set the boundaries but I feel awful. My very deep rooted sense of responsibility is what got me to this place (together with people happy to take advantage)and I need to deal with it. I've sorted counselling to help me to stay strong and not back down. I'm also trying hard to practice the Let Them theory 🤞

Show quote history

I totally see where you are coming from @gettinghappy . I think the counselling is an excellent idea and so is Let Them. Good luck with it all -you can’t draw from an empty well

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