Help? I'm drowning....

[gettinghappy]

What do you do when you are caring for 3 generations of people and you are the only one doing any organising or taking any responsibility?

My own kids (both have complex needs), chronically ill/housebound father who refuses most offers of outside support, grandmother in her 90s about to move from hospital to carehome and the only point of contact, or person taking any responsibility for organising anything is me. This has been ongoing for several years. Abd I don't live near-by

I have put in some boundaries and backed off in the past, tryied to hand over to SW. But right now I'm the only contact for hospital/SW etc and the calls are relentless. My grandmother's house is going to have to be emptied at some point too and I really can't face having to organise that.

I do have siblings who live very close to both elderly folk but they've washed their hands of all responsibility. I live over an hour away and have very needy children due to their disabilities. I am struggling.

I'd love to just call the hospital/SW and say to take my number off their records. But then there's no one to take the call, we won't know when my grandmother is moved, to where or even if she dies.

I'd like nothing better than to wash my hands of it all, just like my siblings, and just concentrate on being the best mum I can be for my kids....but how? I can't force my siblings to step up or to even offer their number as a contact.

Please if you've any solution to this, I would really love to hear it. Can I really just remove myself, before I break?

P.s: Our relationships with both elderly
relatives aren't great. All I'm feeling
right now is overwhelm and
resentment abd cant really
see a way through this where I.

don't lose my mind .

I'm not packing or clearing anything. I've made that decision overnight when I couldn't sleep.

My siblings won't entertain being contacted I'm afraid.

Foster care/respite isn't an option I'm afraid. There is no-one. I do have a husband who pulls his weight but that's it.

I'm just completely done. My dad is poa for my grandmother. No poa for him. It's a big fat mess but I don't have the strength to continue to try and sort it all out.

Sorry you've been in this position too

If you don't have POA for granny then you can’t do things like sell her stuff, relinquish her tenancy etc as you are not her legal representative.

If dad doesn't want help and you don’t have poa for him anyway then also you have no legal basis to act. Let him manage as he wants to.

Focus on yourself so you can support your kids.

No. My dad has poa. Hasn't lodged ut anywhere. It's a useless piece of paper sitting in a drawer.

Bills are all DD. She has no Internet, is housebound and relied on me getting cash out for her for other things. No cheque book either. I sorted her house insurance years ago to auto renew otherwise she'd gave no I surname either.

Both get all the benefits they're entitled to. She's not wealthy, wealthy. 10s rather than hundreds of thousands. But we're in Scotland too so its a bit different .

This is so true. Right now all I am doing and have been doing us facilitating and managing everything so other people weren't stressed...oh the irony. But you are absolutely right. I can't legally speak for either of them so its really not my responsibility. I need to try and hold onto that

@gettinghappy It’s not useless. It’s valuable. Your dad is the useless one I’m afraid. Make it clear to him what his duties are and that includes doing what’s necessary with money and the house. Write it down, send it to him. It’s his responsibility. It’s not the responsibility of SS. Around here you’d get nowhere. He’s next of kin isn’t he?

Yes, it is. I've done it ☺️
I still visit, text etc
If she needs anything I get it, but I no longer do everything and its absolutely amazing ☺️

The problem is his health is such that there are a lot of things he can't do. He really needs to relinquish his duties but of course who would need to arrange that? You guessed it. That would be me.

@gettinghappy So what can he not do? Cannot use a computer? He’s still got the POA though and he’s still the nearest relative. I can see you have a useless family. Why did your dad agree to the POA in the first place? There’s not much common sense here! None of you can do anything! Everyone has an excuse.

Also, seriously, I did so much that mums true needs were not being seen by medical staff.
My siblings will step up or they won't 🤷‍♀️
But I'm si ply doing what they've done for 12 years...so I can't see how they can complain 🤷‍♀️😉

Your grandmother takes what she needs from the home. If there is nothing else of value then just get an organization like Age Uk to do a house clearance. or sometimes the council can organise this especially if a council property.

Nope.
You print off the form from the opg website, fill it in, send it off.
Then you let them get on with it.
We are currently dealing with dh aunts house/life/estate and its SO frustrating because they did nothing to organise or prepare for old age/debility.
A couple of yrsrs before that it was pils cousin...
If you let it, it can really affect your quality of life and mh.
Step away.
It cam be done, and is often the best course of action and ASC then get involved.
Best of luck x

For me, last year just got too much. I was dealing with health issues, both dc were going through an awful time, dh was stressed, and I ended up on anti depressants.
I think the epiphany for me was lying in bed when alarm went off and thinking "right, who do I neglect today?" 😕
My siblings have left me to it for over a decade.
Their turn.
(They both live closer to mum than I do...)

That sounds awful @gettinghappy I am sorry for you, one generation of crumblies nearly finished me off never mind two plus caring responsibilities for DCs.
On the house clearance if I were you, I would just wash my hands of it. The council must have a process for residents with no next of kin so just tell them to do that. We cleared my DPs house within a week just taking paperwork that mattered and paid a man to do it .
Oh and absolutely don’t be using your own money for any of this.

He was well when it was drawn up way back. But no he can't use a computer, struggles to use his phone (refuses to have one which would better serve him with his eyesight). Useless and selfish...you're right

🫂

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and comment. I really do appreciate. I'm feeling a bit calmer today and in a better place to be making and holding some more boundaries.

@gettinghappy I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. It’s a real problem. I’m also annoyed more old people don’t sort out their affairs much earlier. Your dad and granny should have had a rethink about the POA. If it became obvious he could not do it, then maybe a friend could have taken over? I can see it’s too late now and people are dumping on you right, left and centre. I totally know what that feels like from frustration to anger. Hold fast though. Your family first!

Thank you @OhDear111. I am going to have a conversation with my dad and if he can't do what needs done , I'll print out a resignation letter for him for the OPG. No form in Scotland. That will sort that. Might make it somewhat easier to get SS to take the reins.

I had to step back from my dad. He was admitted to hospital and they discharged him to my care whilst I was having a manic episode (bipolar) and crying on the ward whilst I was wearing a pair of pj's (seriously that should have set alarm bells ringing!!) that I couldn't care for him. Social services and the care agency would ring me at all hours because he wasn't well. He passed away this week. Do I feel guilty? Absolutely. Could I have managed him whilst trying to manage myself? Absolutely not. I'm the devil incarnated in the family no doubt. But I physically and mentally couldn't cope. I have my own dc who are now adults, and a full
time job, where I work 50% of the time away from home. I also care for my mother whilst my brother visits once a year from up country. I don't/didn't have the best relationship with my parents as I grew up in a house of domestic abuse and alcohol misuse (wonder why I have a severe mental health diagnosis🤔). I struggled and still am with guilt. But it's self preservation! I had to care for myself and my children.

Update: Gran is now in a community hospital. She won't be going home. Have spoken with my dad and he is going to resign as her Attorney. SS will now need to take over, as she has no substitute attorney in place. I feel somewhat lighter now. Dreading what's to come with my dad and his health but I'm not taking on the role of attorney for him as its just not feasible nor practical.

Thank you everyone who replied when I was spiralling the other day.

I think you are doing the right thing. I always warn people now to think very carefully before agreeing to be an Attorney. It becomes an ever expanding role. If I had my time again I wouldnt have agreed to do it. I could resign and the thought has crossed my mind more than once. But that would leave the other LPA dealing with everything and that would t be fair. Yes even with 2 of us it has been very stressful.

in your circumstances the best thing is not to take that step in the first place.

OP I'm sorry to hear this. You must step back, I know you feel awful and obliged but this is where you put your own mask on first - social services will have to step in. The siblings can have their numbers given over (sorry but tough - they can help clear your nans flat.)
Dad has no choice but to have help. Love and best wishes to you x

I hope it gets somewhat easier for you now OP, your own children come first.

Rock solid and sky high boundaries are the only way. People won't like and will escalate but hold firm. Sending sympathy as l don't mind sorting things for my young children who both under 3. But between them, my job, my own life and health there isn't much left often over for the circling elderly relations who think lm their PA. Don't forget you have the power if you are expected to organise and plan stuff, as they can't make you. You decline to do stuff and then just errr don't do it

My mum is very insistent l will be clearing my hoarder family member house when they die. God knows why as l have said l won't do it and live miles away. It's a 4 bed house with a loft and garage, it would probably take up 2 years annual leave and numerous weekends to do. I told her someone needs to call a house clearance company (not me!). The prodigal brothers (yeah l have 2 of them 🙄) are "too busy" and can't assist according to her

As others have said then you and your children need to come first