Help? I'm drowning....

[gettinghappy]

What do you do when you are caring for 3 generations of people and you are the only one doing any organising or taking any responsibility?

My own kids (both have complex needs), chronically ill/housebound father who refuses most offers of outside support, grandmother in her 90s about to move from hospital to carehome and the only point of contact, or person taking any responsibility for organising anything is me. This has been ongoing for several years. Abd I don't live near-by

I have put in some boundaries and backed off in the past, tryied to hand over to SW. But right now I'm the only contact for hospital/SW etc and the calls are relentless. My grandmother's house is going to have to be emptied at some point too and I really can't face having to organise that.

I do have siblings who live very close to both elderly folk but they've washed their hands of all responsibility. I live over an hour away and have very needy children due to their disabilities. I am struggling.

I'd love to just call the hospital/SW and say to take my number off their records. But then there's no one to take the call, we won't know when my grandmother is moved, to where or even if she dies.

I'd like nothing better than to wash my hands of it all, just like my siblings, and just concentrate on being the best mum I can be for my kids....but how? I can't force my siblings to step up or to even offer their number as a contact.

Please if you've any solution to this, I would really love to hear it. Can I really just remove myself, before I break?

P.s: Our relationships with both elderly
relatives aren't great. All I'm feeling
right now is overwhelm and
resentment abd cant really
see a way through this where I.

don't lose my mind .

You wash your hands of it, too.
Simple.
You can choose the same path as your sibling, and it will hugely improve your life and mh.
I did it recently.
It's been revalatory .

Like completely? I don't never want to see them again. I'm happy to visit, when I have the space, take cake but lose the responsibility. Is that possible do you think?

Is there a middle ground between completely washing your hands and just taking a step back for your own sanity?
Visit your grandmother when you can but let the care home know you are very busy and have other commitments and only to ring in an emergency.
Tell your father than having carers is no longer optional, it’s necessary because you can’t be there to do it.
Your kids have to be your priority.

re your father refusing outside help, get help in anyway “to help me, dad” and describe them as cleaners or whatever sounds acceptable. once they are in he will like them.
get the citizens advice to do a benefits check to maje sure hes getting all hes entitled to.

Need to get my grandmother there first. Currently in hospital, her tenancy will need to be relinquished, house emptied, her stuff packed up that will go with her.

I don't do any physical caring for my dad. It's the organising, the trying to make sure hes safe.

I really have tried stepping back and this is it.

I feel caught between a rock and ha hard place. I'm not close to either, less so my gran, but I wouldn't want to see them suffer as a result of ne saying ,"no more".

They won’t suffer as social services will HAVE to step in and take over when you make it clear you aren’t and they will deal with packing the house up and all that too

@gettinghappy Why have your siblings dumped everything onto you? They don’t care about you do they? I had this with my siblings and DM. On the end we, as a family, agreed to send them an email explaining how I could not do absolutely everything. I had for 40 years as they went to university snd barely came home after that. It didn’t end well with one of them. She’s nc with me but it’s no great loss! Dm died and the last my family saw of her was at the funeral. She then asked to see DMs will. Other sibling was more helpful. Just Christmas cards now though. They were perfectly happy to do absolutely nothing and one didn’t visit dm or us for 6 years and we’ve never been to her flat. Some people won’t engage because it’s too much trouble.

So write the email or put up with them. If there’s a positive response, it’s a win. If it goes the other way, no change.

Your DF needs to change. Sell it to him but he’s got to understand your position snd not be so dogmatic. Get a house clearance professional for granny’s house. Take what she needs and anything you want first. Maybe your family could make some effort? Just making tea at your grandmas would be something!

Really? That's good to know. Thank you.

Thanks. I'm not prepared to organise anything any more. Not the house being cleared, not taking her what she needs, not arranging her funeral. Poster above said SS,will sort everything and that's what's going to have to happen.

My sense of responsibility has allowed this to happen but I'm now done. I'm not sleeping much, my stress levels are through the roof and no-one cares about what this is doing to me.

If they don't talk to me any more, so be it.

@Raven08and @OhDear111I'm sorry you've experienced similar.

I bet the siblings will soon show an interest when they pass. Sorry you’re going through this. I couldn’t drop the rope either but you definitely do need to put some boundaries in place. As pp said, start with telling the home to only call in an emergency and tell your father he has to accept the assistance as you can’t do it anymore. Fill the forms out for him or speak to his social worker. As for clearing the house, she can’t do it, obviously, but there’s nothing to say you have to either. Can you liaise with social services and arrange for a company to clear it for her? It’s expensive but it’s an option.

I feel your pain. I have two DS who are adults but with extra needs and my DM has recently needed a lot more input. I too felt overwhelmed and l was fortunate to have my sister to share the burden with.

In regards to your dad, what is the situation with him?

My friend arranged a house clearance firm for her parents' house and they sold items up to the cost of the work and gave my friend a cheque for the rest. This was years ago, but it might be worth investigating.

Have you heard of carents ? The website has lots of support for people who are caring for parents.

She has so much more money than I do. So SS can organise it and charge her.

I refuse to be out of pocket. I know that sounds petty but all this woman has ever given me is grief. I'm so out of compassion for her.

He's at home with his wife who has,dementia. It's complicated. Her daughters are arranging what needs doing for their mum but there's not much communication. He's medically rubbish, poor mobility, dialysis 3 times a week, partially sighted. He has POA for his mother but can't really do what needs doing and has also pretty much opted out because he doesn't want the stress.

I feel terrible but I'm at a point where I don't see why I should be risking my own physical and mental health when everyone else is protecting themselves without a thought for what it means for me to carry it all.

Oh that's helpful. Thanks for that.

I hadn't thanks. I'll have a look.

When my stepfather moved to his care home, I was happy to visit monthly and take in supplies, but I asked them only to contact me by text or email for anything non urgent, and if they needed to speak to me I only accepted calls between 7am and 7pm. He did have a couple of incidents at night time but they just informed me the following day. They were very accommodating.
For your grandmas home, look up a company that will do house clearances. For your father, stop being at his beck and call - keep your boundaries in place!

Your tasks will become easier once Granny is in the nursing home.
The large mountain is the packing and clearing of her house.
Pack up essentials and send with Granny then organise two or three weekend working bees with your siblings.
Once the house is cleared visit Granny when it is easy and enjoyable to do so
.
Ask your siblings to be on the contacts list for Granny.
Ask if a sibling could mind your children while you do some of the clearing. Ask them for for donations of money to pay for professional cleaners to clean Granny's cleared out house.

Your father, I would do as little as you can prompting him to take up offers from other agencies. Obviously vet the agencies and overlook finances.

Hopefully soon your children will have more of your time.
Take advantage of all available help for them too.
Can you regularly book them into respite or foster care to give yourself a break?.

House clearance company - paid for by your grandmother. There’s no need to do it yourself.
I had a perception they just chuck everything in a skip but it turned out they sort everything into rubbish, recycling, charity shop or auction and dispose of by those routes. They have a relationship with local
charities and auction house so you don’t get the situation of driving to a charity shop and finding they’ll only take two bags. Auction they deduct the cost and any profit comes back to you. They would also keep to one side things like letters, paperwork or photographs if asked.

I cleared my parents' house alone while a single parent with SN children and was in the middle of the bloody menopause, and it was very hard and physically knackering. Your siblings if they are generally useless will be no help, the sort of people who just lift things up, say 'mmm!', and move them from one room to another. Don't do it to yourself. Get a house clearance organised - take the essentials and any items you want to keep and leave the professionals to it.

@gettinghappy Just to let you know, in my LA, Social Services don’t do any of this. My DM was never assessed about needs in her own home - they knew I existed. Hospital just contacted me. I know many people who had exactly the same non help.

I had POA and paid for what was needed from DMs account. I know what I wrote earlier was a bit garbled but it did come as a huge shock to me how much my siblings backed out down the years. DM treated the one who didn’t visit as the prodigal daughter!

I am content about other sibling disappearing into the ether. She used to post pictures of herself and DM with loving captions on Facebook. Then did absolutely nothing to help. She came with a friend to take things she wanted from DMs house before I organised the house clearance yet she refused to come for DMs 100 th birthday. So not being in contact now is fine by me. I totally understand stress and feeling abandoned. So do what you have to do because when you are totally alone it’s too much.

Noooo, definitely not for you to pay for!

@gettinghappy Is she paying her own bills? No attorney doing this? If she’s well off, SS will back off too. She’s got to pay.