Compassion fatigue and feeling like a bad daughter

[Scaredeycat]

Just need to vent. I’m late 50s and DM late 90s. She lives in very supported living accommodation and is mentally still pretty sharp. Physically she’s increasingly frail and losing weight, but no signs of any underlying cause except old age. She’s permanently tired and breathless.
I am really struggling to always be positive and sympathetic with her. She’s always been a negative person, pessimistic and anxious. I had a pretty unhappy childhood.
Every time I see her or phone, I get presented with a list of woes and problems. She never asks how I am or shows any interest in my life. It’s so hard to always be encouraging and positive and I am finding that I dread having to turn on the positivity. If I don’t try to be positive the conversation just spirals into doom and gloom. I’m just tired of the situation and then feel terribly guilty for thinking that. When people ask about her and find out she is the age that she is, often they’ll say how marvellous or amazing she is and how lucky I am. I know many lose their Mum at far younger age but I’m just worn out with the endless appointments and errands on top of the overwhelming negativity.

Really feeling for you here OP. You sound like anything but a bad daughter. Caring for an elderly parent is physically and mentally exhausting and the negativity and lack of even a happy childhood to balance out your current efforts adds a whole layer of complexity. Are you an only child? Apologies if I've overlooked this? This is my situation too. Is there anyone who visits with you or who can take on some of the visits and tasks. I do think that emotional disengagement is required to some degree. I watched my dad switch off when dealing with his mother many years ago. He listened vaguely and said 'good, good' a lot . I think it kept him sane,. Please don't feel guilty about about how you feel as I understand your frustration. Sorry not to have any brilliant suggestions but wanted you to know that many of us feel the same.

Can you put in a few boundaries? Be unavailable a couple of days a week? I’ve just spent 6 days with dad in hols and I’m so glad I’ve got time to myself. He’s not that bad but after a week I was climbing the walls. Sympathies.

Could you take a step back and do less of it?
The emotional off-loading is soul-destroying. I found taking a small
craft (like cross stitch?) along and doing that whilst they talk stopped me feeling so fed up, angry and frustrated with the constant moaning. And I gave up trying to be positive and shortened the visits.

Thanks for your replies. I know there are no easy answers. I just feel like running away.

I do a lot of Mumsnetting while on the phone to my DM. I find it helps to distract from her opening gambit of everything that is wrong. I just chime in with mmm every now and then.

My other strategy is to start talking non stop and not let her get a word in at first. It kinds of resets the call to be about both of us, not just her tale of woe.

Much sympathy, it's very hard.

I have taken to just sitting and not saying anything. I tried the problem solving/ positive and it just got me more and nore frustrated as mine seems to want to wallow in the negativity. So I sit in silence and after she haa finished, I leave.
It is horrible and I feel awful, but I no longer know what to do for the best

I used to be a person who attracted a lot of people who behaved similarly to your Mum. I felt responsible for being validating and constantly emotionally uplifting. I realised by doing that I was attracting these sorts of dynamics.

Once I hit my limit I stop them mid flow and say something along the lines of “I find these venting conversations are very unproductive and don’t seem to help, they don’t seem to resolve your issues and I find them draining so if you want to turn to look for some solutions I’m happy to do that but the venting needs to stop” it has revolutionised these types of relationships.

The family member has stopped doing it and the friends have found someone else to vent at.

Absolutely normal!

come to the Cockroach Cafe threads on here if you need to vent.

@HappyToSmile I tried the problem solving/ positive and it just got me more and nore frustrated as mine seems to want to wallow in the negativity
Boy does this ring bells with me today.

@Deerinflashlights I may steal that phrase.

I always think, what would one of the (many) male middle managers of my acquaintance do? Not bad people, but they had a certain Teflon air of self preservation. Wouldn't let their mum expire in a pool of wee, but tended to be ... Pragmatic rather than guilt-driven.

This is hard and takes a lot of emotional strength from you. You are definitely not a bad person but it sounds like you are feeling un-necessarily guilty.

I bet if this was say a friend or acquaintance who was full of doom and gloom and self centred, you'd distance yourself pretty quickly - but you can't as she is your Mum and hence an obligation. There is no escape! Unfortunately I found the more elderly my parents became the more self absorbed and negative they became.

Ways I've found helps are to:

1. TUNE OUT and say lots of 'hmmmmm's, 'yeaahhhhhs', 'I understand', 'sounds awful', 'it is so unfair' etc etc
2. Respond any baiting comments with 'maybe so' (calms them down but doesn't mean that you accept what batshit things they say)
3. Put in discrete earbuds, cover with long hair and go to step 1 above
4. Have a TV/music/podcast on the background that you can divert your attention to
5. Play mindless games on your phone and go to step 1 above
6. Limit your meetings - eg 30 mins max
7. Space out your meetings eg once every fortnight
8. If you start feeling overwhelmed it is completely OK to make your excuses and leave immediately.

After every draining meeting, treat yourself to something nice with time alone to decompress. Be kind and compassionate to yourself.

@Scaredeycat come and join us…..https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5503705-cockroach-cafe-spring-to-summer-2026

God it’s distressing and exhausting.

I couldn’t be on my phone with my mum, I felt too guilty.

I did frankly distract myself with tasks while there. I agree with embroidery, repotting and watering plants, putting name tags in her clothes, slowly making a photo album of recently printed photos (with captions written while there). I tried to put up a bird feeder to give us something to look at but it got taken away again by the home. I took in DVDs of things called stuff like ‘Secrets of the Royal Gardens’ though I had to buy a dvd player as well.

Another one with a very negative mother here. A couple of years ago, we had a big row. She was complaining about a roof repair. I said, again, how lucky she was she could afford it. She went mad and said all her friends (not a large cohort!) are sympathetic to her problems so why can’t I be…. I’ve stopped trying to cheer her up now. She has just changed her hairdresser to a wet cut as she put her price up a fiver. My mum has so much money, it’s ridiculous she will leave the salon with wet hair to save a fiver. I just agree and say good idea now.
When my dad died she went on antidepressants for a year. That was the best I have ever known her. She won’t go back on them unfortunately.

What is the cockroach cafe thread? I’ve dipped in at times but the conversation doesn’t seem to be about negative parents when I have looked!

Oh OP I totally get it - my elderly mother is miserable and negative all the time, it’s so draining.

For various reasons my sibling is not involved, so I feel obliged to spend time with her as she doesn’t really have anyone else.

She’s in her early 80’s, generally in good health, a few minor ailments but nothing serious. However she just constantly complains, and it’s so draining.

The thoughts of having to deal with her for the next 10-15 years as she gets frailer, make me feel so trapped or something. I know she’s going to be a bit of a nightmare, she’s already so demanding.

She’s always been a bit grumpy, and my lovely, soft, kind hearted dad used to pander to her, but he died a few years ago, so there is nobody but me to listen to her.

I’m 41 and most of my friends’ parents are younger, and only just retiring - I envy them.

My mother also has more money now than she has ever had in her life, I know because I’ve helped her with her online banking. She has a widow’s pension, plus a chunk of my dad’s private pension, and about €100k in cash/ savings, oh and her mortgage paid off, and yet she complains if the price of tomatoes goes up by 5 cents or something. She really puts on the poor pensioner routine, I think she genuinely believes she is hard up.

She’s honestly become so miserable and penny pinching in the last few years it’s ridiculous. I wish she would actually spend some money and enjoy herself. When the time comes, I know she will resist paying for carers and expect me to step in and do it, but there is no way I’ll be doing that.

Sorry for the rant, there are sadly loads of us in this situation.

Sympathies op quite draining. 80s.. on bad days I zone out yes no answers. Always negative. I said my driver away abroad for easter and then her negative tone they had floods lol. Can see why people dont do caregiving. Its moan moan. Im supposed solve all her issues too. She wont spend money either

You likely feel guilt because she trained you to feel that way. I also grew up with a negative mother.

In most relationships, it's a two-way street. I'd limit interaction and remind yourself that she is not making an effort to be pleasant or grateful for your effort when guilt creeps in.

Mine is also constantly negative and anxious… she is already on anti-anxiety meds but still every utterance is negative; a criticism or a worry.
i snapped back at her today, I’d just had enough.

So sorry I don’t really have advice, but it is so exhausting to deal with, I really empathise.

I do recall thinking as a teenager that she was always negative - so maybe it’s always been there, it just seems to have got much worse with age…

I wonder if we’ve always been placating our mothers to some degree..?

Yep, I have one too, was like that when I was a child but has massively ramped up with age, dementia and self inflicted isolation. Having to see her much more often than I’d like as she won’t have carers/ go into a home and is only managing with a lot of propping up. I found the ‘how are you?’ Start of our conversations led her into a massive moan about everything to do with herself, so I try to think of a question about something else happening ‘have you heard what Trump has done?’ starts her on a rant, and always negative, but at least it’s not about her and I can tune out, and make vague ‘mmm’ noises. It’s exhausting, and I hate the fact that I could have another 10-15yrs of this.

It’s exhausting, and I hate the fact that I could have another 10-15yrs of this.

This is what really scares me - the fact that I have no idea how long this could go on for.

I’m currently living back in my expensive home city after moving here to help care for my dad before he died a few years ago.
I didn’t really have a plan for afterwards, but I would love to move abroad in the next year or two for an adventure.

However I feel so guilty knowing that my mother really doesn’t really have anyone else around - an aunt and uncle come to visit but they don’t live near and have their own health issues. I know technically it shouldn’t be my problem to solve - she has money to buy in any care she needs.

But it sounds awful to leave an 80 something year old with no family support and move to another country, but then if I do stay and she lives to 95 or something I’ll wake up in my mid 50’s having missed my chance.

My mother is very determined and stubborn and will take any and medication and interventions available, which is her right.

I know theoretically she could drop dead at any minute, so I should make the most of my time with her, but realistically it’s more likely she will on for a decade or so on more and more medication, just getting frailer.

God its not easy. They well into 90s on my mams road! I have good boundaries. My friend jumps to her mams commands. She 58. Very draining though.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this @Scaredeycat (and to everyone who has commented). I feel exactly the same and have been questioning whether I am in fact just a bad person as I am overwhelmed and exhausted with my Mum's needs and negativity and have a visceral response when I go to visit her now.

She is in a care home so I'm not physically doing the care but I am (along with my sister) doing all the emotional support and decision making and it's so draining. My Mum is never happy - and I do understand that it's horrible to be in pain and in a care home - but she wants me and my sister to fill that hole and it's an impossible ask. I have teenage children and work and a husband who is dealing with some serious health issues and I want to give my all to them. And maybe to have a little bit left over for me.

I haven't posted about it before as I feared I would be judged for not just being grateful my Mum is still with us but it's so hard.

My Mum recently said "I could have 10 to 20 more years of this" and my first thought was "please God no". How awful am I?

You aren’t awful, and there is nothing wrong with thinking these thoughts or saying them (to the right person/ anonymously wherever it feels safe to). It’s another emotional/ time load when we are at the stage of life where everyone in the immediate family needs something from us and it’s utterly draining. I really resent the time taken away from my DC when they are growing up and will leave home in the next few years. Less so for DH but he is still healthy at the moment so I hope I have many years with him. The people who say you are wrong for voicing your opinion/ your decisions about your mum’s care really cannot have been in the same position where all you get is negativity and you can see it continuing for years.

When in the phone to my mother I used to just put it in the table then pick it up and make agreeing noises every now and then. Fortunately I only ever rang her once every few years so it wasn’t that taxing. She used to be the most negative and narcissistic person in the world but she now has dementia and is happy as a clam.

I live in a different country from her so see her once every 10 years. None of her kids live anywhere near her as none of us want to, as she would take over our lives if she could.

Thanks @JumpLeadsForTwo I also resent the time I am losing with my kids and the fact that I have less ‘in the tank’ for them as my Mum is so draining.

I am lucky that I have people I can talk to IRL who get it, but online forums all seem to be full of people joyously supporting elderly family members - and most have it worse that me - so I thought there must be something wrong with me as I feel differently. This thread really helps.

I don’t phone only text!

Just discovered, to my amazement, that my DM has been offered routine Covid and RSV vaccines. She’s 84, a lady of leisure, pretty fit, more affluent than me and miserable. Good grief, there’s no chance she’s not going to make it to 100. In the meantime, I may have expired with exhaustion!