Compassion fatigue and feeling like a bad daughter

[Scaredeycat]

Just need to vent. I’m late 50s and DM late 90s. She lives in very supported living accommodation and is mentally still pretty sharp. Physically she’s increasingly frail and losing weight, but no signs of any underlying cause except old age. She’s permanently tired and breathless.
I am really struggling to always be positive and sympathetic with her. She’s always been a negative person, pessimistic and anxious. I had a pretty unhappy childhood.
Every time I see her or phone, I get presented with a list of woes and problems. She never asks how I am or shows any interest in my life. It’s so hard to always be encouraging and positive and I am finding that I dread having to turn on the positivity. If I don’t try to be positive the conversation just spirals into doom and gloom. I’m just tired of the situation and then feel terribly guilty for thinking that. When people ask about her and find out she is the age that she is, often they’ll say how marvellous or amazing she is and how lucky I am. I know many lose their Mum at far younger age but I’m just worn out with the endless appointments and errands on top of the overwhelming negativity.

My Dad is 93, his health isn’t too good but he’s living independently and has been on his own since my mother died 4 years ago.

He’s difficult, and he’s unhappy. I find visiting him really draining. Until a few months ago we lived a 5 minute drive away so we were able to get there quickly should we need to, we’ve now moved an hour away to live near to our oldest son. I feel guilty about that but when we were thinking about moving we thought about staying in the area until my Dad was no longer with us but who knows how long that could be, and we’re both in our mid 50s and didn’t really want to be putting our lives on hold. That makes me feel selfish.

I have a sister who is much better at visiting and spending time with him than I am. Not quite sure how she does it.

We’ve said that if it was him who’d died first, my mother would’ve just got on with it. I feel resentful towards her for dying and leaving us with my Dad to deal with and that’s stopped me grieving her.

I could have written this exact post but about my father. I find myself hoping he doesn’t live until his 90’s as I don’t think I can cope with it but then I feel so guilty for having those thoughts.

@MadisonAvenue are you pleased you have moved? We are planning to do exactly the same thing. I have started planting the seed with my mum and she seems understanding so far. I started a thread about it a while ago, but like @AlexFurbison said lots of people replied to say how could I possibly think about moving away from my mother at her age. I don’t want to wait potentially years and years, I want to live my best life now!

This thread has helped as I sit here feeling bad for feeling resentful that I spent about 6 hours of yesterday in Out of Hours and A&E waiting rooms with 80yo DM.
When DH turned up with my overnight bag and said "How do you feel DMiL, do you want to keep waiting?" , off we went home (After checking that yes, she can get referred back on Monday by her own GP.

I’m so glad to have found this thread. In recent years my mum always seems to want to be ill. She is constantly being tested for something and seems determined to have something. She recently participated in a medical trial for something and then complained about feeling down for having to attend lots of appointments but felt I was unsympathetic when I told her to leave the trial! After one set of tests for a cancer that she had no symptoms of, she got upset when a relative wasn’t happy that she’d received the all clear. I love her dearly but find the constant medical appointments (at least fortnightly) and updates depressing. It’s come to the point where I limit asking as it has an impact on my mental health

I have a friend whose mother is now in her mid 80's. She is reasonably good for her age health wise and is not on much medication. The main problem as my friend said to me is that some days she is extremely negative, just wants to complain about things and find fault. She then complains about the cost of things.
Along with this she has some cognitive decline and this can be worse at times.
She has a good pension and savings but has become very mean over the past few years.

My friend has given her mother advice over the years and she has refused to listen to this. She refused to move from a big family house in the countryside to one of the nearby towns. She won't get a key safe or falls alarm. She has nothing sorted out regarding care, who can access her bank account to pay the bills ect. The expectation is she can stay living at home and that her adult kids can provide care, be a taxi service ect.

My friend was chatting to a another friend who ended up as a carer for an elderly parent. Her friend told them to get a part time job so they won't be as available for care later. My friend saw a role recently and applied for it.
She is waiting for an interview and knows when the roles starts. She is keeping quiet about her plans until she has a job got. She said to me that her siblings can step up and sort things out if her mother needs care in the next few years.