Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Hi I wondered if anyone had come across this.For those of you that know my story, DPs have recently moved to a care home. DF - who was very against the idea - has settled in well and now that he is being well fed and hydrated seems in better nick than he has done for many years, albeit with not much memory. DM was the one who wanted to move to a care home, but due to her dementia it has not gone well. She is obsessed by her medication routine and outraged if anything is at all late, which as she is on many medications sometimes happens. She is also very frail and had a fall which resulted in her breaking an arm. On DHs last visit she had written “I would rather die than remain in this hell hole”. I don’t know what to do really. It seems like a nice care home and the staff all seem pleasant when we are there, DF says it’s good.
I think it’s because she is now very difficult to understand as her speech has almost gone and the anxiety around the medication is her only form of control, plus she is in pain because of the arm.
I have emailed the care home manager to see if there’s anything we can do, have also suggested that maybe she should go on anti anxiety meds, but with her medical background she will probably refuse. It’s so rubbish really I wish we could just dose her up with morphine and make her comfortable.
But a tiny part of me wonders if we did get the right care home. It was all done in extreme haste, they were too frail to visit. Is it common for EPs to state things like that ?

So sorry @jellyfish798 🤗

@rookiemere there is no care home on the planet which gives medication at the same time each day. There are too many variables to factor in.

I have a feeling that even if your DM's meds were given exactly as she wishes they were, then she'd find something else to complain about.

It's the situation which is bothering her: the medication is just a symptom of the loss of independence, the loss of health, the loss of familiarity.

Don't start wondering if you did the right thing. You did. There was no other reasonable solution to what had been going on for so long.

Look back at all your posts from before your mum and dad went into the home. You'll see that you had no other choice.

I personally doubt if moving your DPs would achieve anything other than another huge upheaval.

Your dad has settled in and is actually thriving. I honestly don't think that your mum would settle any better in a different home.

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne that makes total sense and deep down I know you are right.

I think being at the care home has made her realise that she isn’t independent in any way at all, whereas at home she didn’t really have to face up to that. I have never heard her say she didn’t want to live anymore despite her life being very hard over the past year.Plus she could distract herself with paperwork and worrying about DF. There is also an odd side to their relationship over the past couple of years where only one can be in equilibrium at a time. I think what she actually wanted was DF to go into the care home so she didn’t have to worry about him anymore.

But you’re right, they had to go into a home. I just don’t know what to say when I see her next on Tuesday. Copilot has given me some helpful responses, I hope I can stick to them. I must remember it’s still a hundred times better - for me and DH certainly- than them being at home, and as you say DF is thriving and enjoying the regular visits from us.

Sorry you are going through this @rookiemere. It is a tough time for you and for your DM.

my DSis would suggest I listen out for complaints about things that are dangerous anything else we just listened and agreed but did nothing because there was nothing to do.

Thanks @FinallyHere DH and I agreed that it was better that it is DM rather than DF that is unhappy as at least she is bedridden and unable to escape unlike DF who might have had enough agency to break out and get a taxi ( although as he can’t remember the front door code even though it’s the same year as they got married that’s probably not likely).

Did your DM settle down ? Or do I just need to wait until she is unable to speak and write which doesn’t seem too far away?

I mean I totally get how horrible the whole situation must be for her and because her speech has now deteriorated so badly and many of the care staff don’t have English as their first language, she is really struggling to communicate. But because of the dementia she’s demanding and unpleasant so I can see why they aren’t busting a gut to try and understand.

I need to emotionally detach really. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with her care from what I have seen. It’s still a lot easier than when they were at home.

You are right that it’s a lot easier, it’s also a lot safer in a home with teams of trained and experienced people to look after them. You have gone a good thing and deserve to relax a bit now.

@rookiemere sympathy, we had a wobble with Dad and the nursing home about a month in, he insisted he wanted to move to a different one despite having agreed on this one, said the staff weren’t taking time to listen to him (he has no dementia but has some loss of processing and speech, he can only get a few words out at a time) etc etc. I sat with him and went through this, I said “do you feel safe here, are they meeting your medical needs, are they helping you eat (he has virtually no use of his arms)” and the answer to all that was yes. I did speak to the manager and asked them to remember that he needs time to speak, doesn’t have dementia etc. Then we left it. This was at Christmas, he is much happier now. I think he just had a feeling of total loss of control of everything (he couldn’t visit the homes before we chose one but it is near his house and he had visited it for events previously, we looked at websites and photos together after mum and I visited them all) and was pushing back. He is a lovely, polite, kind man but the sudden loss of independence has been really hard for him. In your shoes I would ride it out too.

@rookiemere I'm another saying ride it out. I had to ride it out with both DM and DB.

DM wanted to go home but as we have talked about a lot on this thread a lot of it was wanting to go back in time. It slowly became less coherent as her grip on time deteriorated.

With DB it was a case of telling him to find somewhere better if he was that unhappy with DM's CH. Of course he wasnt going to.

DM's decline continues. Visited yesterday, I visit once a week.

DM slept almost the whole time, just waking for odd minutes. Barely moved.

During the times she was awake I talked about things which the family was doing. It meant nothing to DM, just words spoken.

The distended abdomen remains. Possibly we will hear from the GP this week. DB and I are in rare agreement that we dont want DM to go to hospital.

Thanks all, let’s see how Tuesday goes. Frankly if they could sneak some antidepressants into her medication concoctions it would be best for everyone.

@GnomeDePlume poor everyone. Harold Shipman has a lot to answer for.

@GnomeDePlume Have they even started the syringe driver yet?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne no, I'm not even sure if there is a syringe driver in the EOL pack. I think though dont know (DB doesnt give away information) that DM will just be given morphine injections if required.

At the moment DM is largely asleep, doesnt appear to be in extended periods of discomfort.

DB doesnt want morphine to be used at all if possible. He visits daily so it is him who gets listened to.

We are just watching her agonisingly slow decline. The agony is the observer's rather than hers. Though DB wants this to go on forever.

My cynical view is that he wants every last penny of her (which he thinks of as DF's) money spent so that other DB doesnt 'get his hands on DF's money'.

In fact DM's estate (bugger all anyway) is left to DGCs (all adults). But main DB is spiteful when it comes to other DB.

@GnomeDePlume Do you think perhaps your DB is hoping for some moments of lucidity before your mum passes that he thinks will be prevented if she takes morphine? Otherwise I'm really struggling to see a reason to object to morphine for someone at your DM's stage.

I know my B is clinging to all hope of DM 'getting back to normal again' despite very obvious signs that this won't ever happen. Every time we come away from an appointment or assessment without a dementia diagnosis he becomes more adamant that mum will be fine. My reading of the same discussions is that Mum definitely has some cognitive problems and is experiencing severe anxiety/delusions/hallucinations but they can't yet confirm whether there is a single diagnosis that explains it all or a combination of factors. I think he's partly hoping she will magically get better and be delighted with him for not allowing her to be persuaded to move in to residential care/annoyed with me for suggesting such a thing.

I realise posting the above I sound like a horrible daughter. I probably am.

DM and I werent close, at all, ever. For the last 30 years our relationship has been surface only and largely transactional.

DB likes to describe us as a close and loving family, we arent. I often describe it as middle class dysfunction. We dont get on but we dont fight.

There are things which I have found out in the last year or so which have further decreased my feelings towards DM.

So now I am stuck visiting the shell that is left of DM week in week out from a sense of obligation not love.

@bigdogpaws it is incredibly frustrating when grown men cant face facts about their mummies isnt it?

DB is deluding himself into believing that DM not disagreeing with him or echoing words he has said is the same as being engaged in a conversation. But TBH he is like that with everyone.

@GnomeDePlume you aren’t a horrible daughter, you’re a normal person pulled beyond the normal limits of expectations. You are kind and thoughtful in your advice and input on these threads, you are compassionate.

Honestly it maybe is a very good thing I am an only DC. It’s clear to me that DM now has no quality of life - she can’t see to read, she can’t communicate through speech or writing to most people, she is in constant pain and her emotions are all negative. If she was at the point of slipping away and someone was needlessly prolonging her life I would be very angry with them and selfishly angry I was forced to live a half life through the process.

@GnomeDePlume I can fully sympathise with your feelings about your DM. My mum and B have always liked to give the impression that we are very close and ultra supportive of one-another. In reality it's all a facade and the 'do anything for on another' aspect has always been very one-sided in favour of B. It seems like they both believe the pretence and are shocked that I'm not acting like we are all the very best of friends and a tight-knit family.

I find myself smiling through gritted teeth when B describes to social workers/HCP what a wonderful parent DM was and how 'we' want to take care of her now. It never seems the right time to say 'actually, she never visited me and has no idea what I've been doing for the last 20 years'.

@rookiemere I think having to carry the burden alone as you are is much harder.

@bigdogpaws facade is the right word. Visiting DM yesterday I dont think she recognised me except for a few seconds. Though she did brighten a little when DB came in.

I think I am struggling with emotional fatigue when it comes to DM. We have been to the brink too many times. There are only so many times you can steel yourself for yourself and others before you stop caring so much.

@GnomeDePlume Please don't doubt yourself, because you are someone who always gives good, supportive advice on this thread.
Yes, you show compassion.
I'm sure that nobody here thinks anything bad of you, truly.

Of course you're conflicted about your mother. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, for many, many reasons.

You've said in the past that your brother's raison d'être is his relationship with your mother. He has clearly realised that she is his anchor, and that he is about to be cast adrift.

He also seems to have a skewed idea that the administration of morphine will hasten your mother's death. It won't - it will just ease her passing.

He's terrified of her death and feels that he can't agree to anything which might (in his eyes) make it happen any faster. He doesn't trust the CH staff and feels that he has to gatekeep everything that they do to your mother. It wouldn't surprise me if he thought that they dislike her enough to just give her morphine so that she's less trouble to them.

Gnome, in my opinion, this is just your brother trying to orchestrate things and exert a degree of control, on your mother's behalf. You've spent many years seeing through him. Your reaction is to be expected.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne you are right DB is terrified that DM is dying and then what will he do? You are also right that he is gatekeeping every aspect if DM's care.

DB and DM have always been very blamey. Anything bad has to be somebody's fault. He doesnt want anybody saying that DM's passing is his fault. Of course they arent going to but he is stuck in that childhood way of thinking.

So drained at the moment and feel like I’m barely holding it together. My brother is away so all the care for my mum is falling to me. My entire day has revolved around her today, which has meant no breathing room. My children were over an hour late to bed because we were still at her house. They were crying, arguing, I ended up shouting at them which I hate doing. Her house is a mess as I don’t have the energy to sort it and she physically can’t. Mine is a mess too as I’m too tired to face anything now. She wouldn’t even let me take them out the front door till they stopped crying for fear of what her neighbours might think!!
I told her it’s just too much for us for an extended period like this and she didn’t see my point of view at all. She said she’s barely asked for much time and she’ll add up all the time me helping her takes to show how little it is.

@Foodfumbles how about you develop an infectious disease which means you can't go to her house for a couple of weeks.

You'd have a wonderful chance to look after your children properly and your mother would have to arrange carers.

Win-Win.

Yes, norovirus is always a good shout for an excuse.

Visited mum this evening. Golden balls obviously did a big overcompensation shop when he visited a week ago as the house is full of fruit and yoghurt that mum never eats. No doubt the carers will report that they have had to throw it away eventually and he will moan that she has issues managing her food. She does but buying food she never chooses herself is setting her up to fail. And she has no memory of saying she wants to go into a home and has no idea why GB would think she does. But DB2 and I don't think he has actually done anything about organising it. I'm pretty sure he was trying to get a reaction from me or to get DB2 to do all the work. Hard to make arrangements from 5 hours away when mum very rarely answers the phone.

I’ve actually had a stomach bug this last week - not sure it was norovirus but it wasn’t pleasant! However it meant I could stay home and leave DB do all the shopping etc for DM. Didn’t mean that I missed out on all responsibilities though.

I’m now up to 13 phone calls to different people to arrange DM’s Denosumab jab and resigned myself I’ll have to take her for the two hour round trip to hospital on Friday to have it. Not out of the woods with the phone calls though as it means I have to rearrange the district nurses who are calling on Friday and are happy to give her the jab but no one else will let them! Madness.