Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

[CoastalGrey]

My DM has always been hard work. She's had a difficult life but it can be hard to feel sympathy as she is very dramatic and self-centred and falls out with people constantly while always playing the victim. I think she means well but is hugely lacking in empathy and self awareness. She would say she's been a great mother but I dont feel that's necessarily true.

She hasn't worked for years due to health reasons (but has usually managed to do the things that she wants to) and has been married several times. I live alone (but have a supportive partner) and have a demanding full-time job. She is now needing more support from me and I'm struggling - both practically and emotionally - to know what I should do. I live 2 hours away - she wouldn't move closer and I can't move due to work and other family. I see her maybe once a month - 6 weeks and we talk on the phone or text in between, there's also a group chat with other family members. My sibling lives nearer but doesnt drive and it's becoming clear that as the oldest it's me she wants.

She has some health issues and her husband more so, she is struggling dealing with his - I dont think she likes the attention he gets as his are more 'visible' but I can also see that she is lonely and lacking in people to talk to. Trouble is I have been her shoulder to cry on since my early teens and I've found that very difficult at times, so now when I should be the dutiful daughter I dont feel as though I want to.

I dont know what she really wants from me or how much I want to help. The issues that have made her life difficult and the choices she's made have also affected me a lot, I've finally come to terms with that (sort of) but it makes me want to step back not step up. How can I be there for her without compromising too much? I dont want to come across all Prince Harry/Brooklyn Beckham but 'my truth' to use a phrase I hate but which feels relevant is that I want to put myself first for once.

How old is she?

It sounds like she needs to see a social prescriber through the GP and have an assessment by SS.

I doubt she will want either of them.

Welcome @CoastalGrey you will get lots of support and advice on here. Many many of us have had a similar experience. Firstly you are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. I agree with @Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep regarding a SS assessment and seeing her GP.

What I am about to say may sound harsh but I have read about and experienced far too many people like this. We are all responsible for ourselves be that through life choices about where we live, about how we plan for our futures etc. IF we do not make plans but take the route of ‘oh I thought CoastalGrey would help’ we are gambling hugely.You have your own life as many of us the EP thread do - with little space for additional responsibilities.

In terms of what she ‘want’ have you asked her?

In terms of what you might be able to do without getting embroiled in a slippery slope of becoming her crutch in life could you tell her you are willing to organise assessments and then discuss the outcomes with her. Help is out there and it is unreasonable for elderly people to assume their adult children will step in when often it is their own poor choices or attitudes that have got them to where they are.

💐

I think you need to back off, OP. Just because she "wants" you to run around after her, doesn't mean you have to do it! By all means encourage her to get help in the house contact Social Services and see the GP. But she has to do this for herself, because it's not your job.
Also, don't feel obligated to answer the phone every time she rings!
Put yourself first, OP, because - as already mentioned - the risk is that you'll get sucked into becoming a carer.

Just to add, those of us who are childfree understand that we will have to look after ourselves when we get older, because there is nobody else to do it! We might have to pay for help, or access Social Services, but it's down to us. So if the childfree can do it, why can't people with children? Are they just taking what they think is the easier route?

Thank you for the welcome ☺️ She is early 80s, her husband late 80s. I think what she wants is a closeness that I just dont feel any more. She has become very clingy when I see her and I just find it claustrophobic, but I am human and dont want to hurt her. She is not the frail old lady she portrays though, she can be ruthless when she chooses.

She was like this a few year ago when my father (her ex) was dying - she couldn't bear the attention on someone else. I couldn't deal with her so I suggested she saw a counsellor which she did for a couple of months and apparently now she is all sorted. It's both ridiculous and sad because she should have been in therapy for years but I think it's too late now.

I am willing to help out practically but I dont know how to tell her I dont want to be her sounding block any more - she says I'm the only person she can talk to and that is so much pressure. I look ahead to when I'm older and I dread my daughter feeling this way about me but I hope I've learnt from the past and would never put her in that position.

Let her know you need your own time. The voluntary sector has befriending services. Might she accept this more informal connection? Someone to talk to?

I think being two hours away is actually your friend in this situation. I think you should limit how often you are prepared to speak to her to maybe twice a week? And even then limit the amount of time you’ll spend on the phone. visiting once a month may also actually be too frequent and you might want to cut this down a little. It may actually be easier to be prepared to be involved in things like ordering online shopping and sorting carers than doing the emotional things that you’re doing at the moment. Either way it’s completely OK for you to have boundaries especially as it sounds like you’ve been parenting your own mother since your teenage years.

I understand you completely OP. I also have an... interesting... relationship with my DM, who I know believes that she was a wonderful mother but who actually put a lot on me (as the only daughter) and continues to do so. We're now at the stage where I have ended up giving a lot more of my time and energy than I wanted to and I am being expected to give more and more. With the benefit of hindsight, the things I wish I had done/avoided are:

• Don't fall in to the trap of doing things for her that she could do herself just because it's quicker/easier- try to signpost her to places that can help. Otherwise it quickly becomes 'Oh, CoastalGrey does all of that, she's the only one who knows about it so she needs to do it' and the remit of that one thing you did because it was quicker gradually snowballs
• Don't answer the phone if you are doing something else. As you live 2 hours away if it was life and death she'd have to call emergency services anyway and if not she can leave you a message. If she's anything like my DM, once you answer she won't accept that you're busy and will call back and you will be expected to give her whatever support she wants there and then. If possible, try to arrange in advance a time/day that you'll call her rather than inviting her to call you- that way you can pick a time that works for you and manage expectations of how often that will be.
• If you are going to offer practical help, encourage her to outsource help first (eg cleaning/gardening) then you help with things that can't be outsourced so easily. If possible avoid taking on tasks that need to be done repeatedly and regularly so that you don't feel you have to find a stand in if you want to go away/don't feel well etc.
• Don't allow other family members to guilt trip you in to doing more than you want to do. I have learned the hard way that people have very strong opinions about what 'someone' MUST do for DM but no one else wants to be that 'someone'. I've found you need to develop quite a thick skin and be prepared to simply say 'I can't do that'. NEVER give a reason- this will be taken as an invitation to counter your reason. If other family members get upset/annoyed with you ask yourself whether that matters- are you prepared to lose out on time with your own family and be browbeaten in to doing what they say just to keep them sweet?
• Remember that acknowledging that your Mum can make her own decisions about her healthcare/help at home/support etc does not mean that you have to facilitate this. If she decides, for example, that she does not want external help or to take part in any social activities etc this is up to her, but it does not mean that you are obliged to fill the void and be her carer/only emotional support etc

Many people here will tell you to back off and wait for the inevitable crisis when other family members who live closer will have to step up.

The trouble is there aren’t many other people to step up other than my sibling who can be quite unpredictable.

DM has fallen out with her husbands family so I don’t even think they know how bad his health is let alone provide support - I disagree with this because whatever has been said or done by them or her (and plenty has) they are his children and he may not have that many years left.

She has some local friends but not anyone she will talk to the way she wants to with me, and no long term friends.

It sounds like she is now a carer, are there any local charities supporting carers? They can offer counselling as well as practical help. They may be eligible for benefits such as attendance allowance which would help pay for additional care.

She doesn’t want a relationship with her daughter, she wants (free) hired help, so let her buy that in. Don’t feel guilty OP.

@awkwardcow has done a very good summary there.

@SockFluffInTheBath No I do think she wants a relationship as well but it would be on her terms as it always has been.

It's a very good idea to see what practical help is available for her and I will suggest this but in terms of emotional support she will expect it to be me and will guilt trip me if I try to guide her in a different direction. I know I am allowed to say no but it's very hard to feel you're being unkind to someone however manipulative especially if you've felt that way for a long time.

If you have to choose guilt at doing nothing or resentment at letting it take over your life, choose guilt every time.

That’s a very good point. I have no idea how to go about confronting this though so I’m rather burying my head in the sand but the stress of knowing I’ll have to deal with it is not doing me any good.

This is a helpful website with lots of proper explanations of certain behaviours. One that landed with me several years ago is ‘learned helplessness’. In my case I was trying to firefighting minor issues for my parents but they then assumed I was available to them whenever they wanted me to do things and subsequently they learned to be helpless and lost the ability to deal with anything.

https://outofthefog.website

I feel for you as I am in the same position. My mother is older , nearly 90 and doesn’t have a partner as my father is dead. She relies heavily on her church and much younger women who she sees as friends , but in reality probably find her very irritating. I am dealing with everything. Money, bills, sorting out practical stuff. My mother is lonely abd scared but she’s never helped me in my life, and I don’t enjoy being with her. She’s very self centred . I live in the same city but am intending to move away this year to be closer to my grandchildren. I feel a lot of guilt, but I can’t be her PA at the expense of my own life.

If I were you I would put in place boundaries. Don’t take her calls outside certain times, see her once a week for a couple of hours , or whatever you can manage, and use outside agencies as much as possible. You have your own life to lead.

My mother also craves closeness and can’t understand why I don’t want to see her more. Maybe because she’s been a bitch to me all her life and hurt me over and over again. She’s alienated quite a few people and in truth no one likes her much.

I have a very weird difficult relationship with my needy, manipulative, difficult sister - and after 25 years of this merry go round I have concluded that grey rocking, constantly redirecting to other resources, and having contact but only on my terms is the way to deal with her.

So if she calls, I don’t answer.

If she messages asking to chat I say I could do it in a few days - she of course then says she needs to talk now as she’s anxious/upset/whatever, and I reply that I’m sorry to hear she’s having a hard time and maybe she could contact x support service or one of her friends, as I won’t be available for a chat until the day I originally said.

In conversations I chat cheerfully about the kids, the dog, the weather etc and when she starts looping into one of her emotional spirals I do a sort of non-commital “hmm, that does sound hard. Have you discussed it with x support service?” and a calm “Well, no, I don’t think I can give you any advice on that, I’m not the expert, have you tried discussing it with y?” etc.

She has definitely noticed the change, complains a lot that I’m not as warm to her now, ropes in other relatives to complain - I always respond with variants of “I’ve spent a lot of time over the years trying to support her emotionally, but obviously I’m not able to give whatever she needs, so she really needs to talk to x support service” over and over.

When pushed I tend to remind people that I have a life of my own and limits to how much I can do, so she needs to talk to x.

So in your shoes first off I would find a local charity/service that offers support to elderly people especially elderly carers and then just keep referring her to that.

And I would do that totally guilt free btw. These services exist, you have no obligation to provide the services yourself just because she would prefer that - your own preferences get a vote too!

It's so hard. My DM has no partner, no relatives she speaks to (other than if she bumped into them in the street), one friend who lives further away than I do, pleasant but distant with one or two neighbours, is in no clubs, no groups, no church. I gave her some Age UK leaflets a while back and suggested they were available for advice or a chat when I'm not. Looked at me as if I was mad.

@CoastalGrey it’s almost impossible to confront without someone being unhappy BUT as many of us on here can testify if you get sucked in trying to sort the little things you are on a slippery slope to spending more and more time on her. It happened to me. I thought if I pop in on Tuesday for example and see if I can help her she will be set for the week. But that popping in saw her pointing out non problems - eg. ‘The oven isn’t working’ . Proved that it was by cooking something in it to be told with big sad eyes like a toddler ‘it only works when you are here BlueLegume’. The dryer doesn’t work - it does. The list goes on. Clever though because she knew I would stay and try to fix things. So an hour turns into 5 hours.

For me finding myself sat in my GPs surgery being offered anxiety/depression medication was the lightbulb moment I needed to step back. She had sucked me in and as a decent person I had thought that helping her would be the right thing to do. The reality was/is she carries and invisible set of goal posts that every time something is solved she moves and starts another list. I refused the medication and have slowly started to rebuild my own life again. With hindsight I can see I had started neglecting hobbies and friendships because I was trying to help her. Someone with few friends because she alienates people, no hobbies or interests other than shopping. I thought I was doing the right thing. In truth she had me on a fools errand.

Sorry for the derail - in summary - nip it in the bud now or else you will find yourself down a long road of anxiety. Don’t be me. 💐

A one sided relationship is not a relationship. A lot of us on here are a few steps further down this road, and the harsh but short version is what Blue said- step back now or accept you’re all in.

You don’t have children for them to be your only ‘gang’ and social life. You’re birthing an actual human who will have a personality, life and thought processes and friends of their own. I have four children and am making provision that when I’m older ( I’m in my fifties) they will not become responsible for me. We are also divesting some of our assets to pass onto our adult children now rather than see them taken in iht when that day comes. If my kids still want to see me then great ( and they do) but they are not and never will be responsible for me if I can possibly help it.

You could pass on details of the private ie paid services who provide companionship. We have had good experiences with Home Instead, there are others.

It's not entirely clear from your post what your mother wants from you at this stage and what you are pushing back against. Does she want practical hands-on help? You say that she's struggling with her husband's illness - what are the issues? Mobility, continence, cognitive? Does she have her own health issues to deal with? Does she want you to visit more often / phone more often / up sticks and move to live near her? It's not clear.

in terms of emotional support she will expect it to be me and will guilt trip me if I try to guide her in a different direction. I know I am allowed to say no but it's very hard to feel you're being unkind to someone however manipulative especially if you've felt that way for a long time.

I don't think there is a way to achieve what you seem to want, without someone being hurt / angry / disappointed. It sounds like you have a lifetime of being your mum's confidante and sounding board, whether you wanted to be or not. That's a hard habit to break. You sound very enmeshed in your mum's happiness, and extricating yourself from that role after a lifetime of training is not going to be easy. It's interesting that you say she doesn't rely on or have the same expectations of your sibling because they are 'unpredictable': perhaps that unpredictability has served your sibling well in keeping your needy, emotionally immature mother at arms length. Whereas you have been the reliable, predictable one.

Here's the thing that many people don't get about boundaries. They aren't for the other person: they are for you. You can't change your mum or the way she is, you can't gently 'guide her in a different direction' by appealing to her better nature. Do you think she's going to wake up one day and say 'I will start taking responsibility for my own wellbeing and happiness, it's not fair to dump on CoastalGrey the way I have been'?

But you can decide what your rules are for you and how you stick to them. What are you willing / able to do? And what are you not willing to do?