Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

[CoastalGrey]

My DM has always been hard work. She's had a difficult life but it can be hard to feel sympathy as she is very dramatic and self-centred and falls out with people constantly while always playing the victim. I think she means well but is hugely lacking in empathy and self awareness. She would say she's been a great mother but I dont feel that's necessarily true.

She hasn't worked for years due to health reasons (but has usually managed to do the things that she wants to) and has been married several times. I live alone (but have a supportive partner) and have a demanding full-time job. She is now needing more support from me and I'm struggling - both practically and emotionally - to know what I should do. I live 2 hours away - she wouldn't move closer and I can't move due to work and other family. I see her maybe once a month - 6 weeks and we talk on the phone or text in between, there's also a group chat with other family members. My sibling lives nearer but doesnt drive and it's becoming clear that as the oldest it's me she wants.

She has some health issues and her husband more so, she is struggling dealing with his - I dont think she likes the attention he gets as his are more 'visible' but I can also see that she is lonely and lacking in people to talk to. Trouble is I have been her shoulder to cry on since my early teens and I've found that very difficult at times, so now when I should be the dutiful daughter I dont feel as though I want to.

I dont know what she really wants from me or how much I want to help. The issues that have made her life difficult and the choices she's made have also affected me a lot, I've finally come to terms with that (sort of) but it makes me want to step back not step up. How can I be there for her without compromising too much? I dont want to come across all Prince Harry/Brooklyn Beckham but 'my truth' to use a phrase I hate but which feels relevant is that I want to put myself first for once.

@BruFord Yep I think we all are 😩 I read something - on here I think - about how much the average working person has to fit into their time off and it really shocked me. Even if your kids are older there’s still a lot before you even think about having any sort of down time. And I think many jobs are quite stressful and tend to overlap into your personal life however hard you to try to avoid it. Most of us just don’t have the same capacity that adults in their generation maybe did.

I'm really struck by how many of us on this board have elderly Ps who did not really parent us very well, and yet expect a lot from their DDs in old age because it's our "role". It's more common than I realised!

I think in previous generations it was just assumed the daughter would do it. No matter what. But a lot of those daughters didn’t have any choice about it - I’ve seen it happen in the generation two above mine where there was a daughter who wasn’t allowed to marry and who never left home because she was caring for parents.

Of course, mine is assuming this, but has failed to grasp that not being local, having a demanding full time job and children at primary school (because women often have children at an older age now) means I can’t be her carer.

Even if someone doesn't have children and/or a demanding full time job, it doesn't mean they should give up their life. It makes the "ask" even more ridiculous of course.
I am amazed my DM has forgotten her own frustration at getting little help from (male) siblings and having a DF that refused any outside help.

Even if someone does have the time to do it, it doesn’t mean they are well suited to be a carer. My last work contract finished in August and I genuinely thought I could assist DPs who live an hour away a lot more and go up twice a week to supplement their carers. Except both of them have some form of dementia and I found it emotionally awful and of course the more I did, the more they expected. I have gone back to a part time job this week and am already feeling much better ( although of course guilty) and DH has retired as he planned to anyway and is taking on the regular visits.

Do as much or as little as you need to feel you have discharged your interpretation of how much an adult DD with your obligations and of not great DPs should do and ditch the rest. Your M will of course complain and you may feel guilty, but both of you will get over that if you’re consistent and don’t cave ( unless of course dementia is involved in which case you’re screwed no matter what you do).

It’s so depressing - for them as well as me. I can’t imagine life is very much fun for them but then working long hours and still being skint is no picnic either. I don’t know what the answer is.