Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

[CoastalGrey]

My DM has always been hard work. She's had a difficult life but it can be hard to feel sympathy as she is very dramatic and self-centred and falls out with people constantly while always playing the victim. I think she means well but is hugely lacking in empathy and self awareness. She would say she's been a great mother but I dont feel that's necessarily true.

She hasn't worked for years due to health reasons (but has usually managed to do the things that she wants to) and has been married several times. I live alone (but have a supportive partner) and have a demanding full-time job. She is now needing more support from me and I'm struggling - both practically and emotionally - to know what I should do. I live 2 hours away - she wouldn't move closer and I can't move due to work and other family. I see her maybe once a month - 6 weeks and we talk on the phone or text in between, there's also a group chat with other family members. My sibling lives nearer but doesnt drive and it's becoming clear that as the oldest it's me she wants.

She has some health issues and her husband more so, she is struggling dealing with his - I dont think she likes the attention he gets as his are more 'visible' but I can also see that she is lonely and lacking in people to talk to. Trouble is I have been her shoulder to cry on since my early teens and I've found that very difficult at times, so now when I should be the dutiful daughter I dont feel as though I want to.

I dont know what she really wants from me or how much I want to help. The issues that have made her life difficult and the choices she's made have also affected me a lot, I've finally come to terms with that (sort of) but it makes me want to step back not step up. How can I be there for her without compromising too much? I dont want to come across all Prince Harry/Brooklyn Beckham but 'my truth' to use a phrase I hate but which feels relevant is that I want to put myself first for once.

@rickyrickygrimes do you know what, you make so much sense - she isn’t going to suddenly change and I know that really but I guess I always hope she might. And you are spot on about my sibling - we very much fall into the ‘reliable older one’ and ‘flaky younger one’ roles. I am fond of them but they did absolutely nothing when my dad died because they couldn’t cope - I was hardly finding it easy but someone had to deal with the paperwork/organise the funeral/clear his house etc.

DM hasn’t specifically said what she wants from me, she keeps dropping hints about being lonely and struggling with her husband’s illness (mobility and practical stuff but also how he has changed as a person) and how nobody notices her. I suggested that maybe her husband is finding it difficult himself and she said ‘that’s what everyone says’ - not sure who everyone is but they clearly feel the same way as I do.

I’m clear in my own mind that I’ll help where I can practically but she’s not keen on taking advice or dealing with anything new and I am very impatient with that sort of helplessness - she’s perfectly able, she just wants people to fuss over her. Her own mum moved to live near her and she cared for her in her later years. I know she will expect the same but circumstances are so different and more importantly I don’t want to do it.

What she most wants is long chats and emotional support and I really don’t want to give it. I’m torn between being sorry for her because health problems are shit and not liking her very much particularly as she’s quite well off so health is really her only big concern. But she doesn’t take it well when I suggest I don’t want to be her support. I once tried to say how I felt about her doing it all my life and she got upset and said ‘you sound as though you’re blaming me’ - well obviously I was but she just can’t/wont accept it.

This sums up my problem completely (and I do realise it is partly how I respond).

I just saw a WhatsApp from her and my heart sank, I could feel that churning sick sensation in my stomach and I didn’t want to open it in case it was ‘can we have a word’ which can mean anything from ‘I want to check something with you’ to ‘something disastrous (to her) has happened’.

I have asked her several times to just say what she’s texting about but she won’t. As it turns out this was a perfectly ordinary text about nothing special but it illustrates how stressful I find it always wondering what the next drama is going to be and I don’t know how to manage that better.

OP good morning, and thank you for that last post: yes it does illustrate the situation perfectly. You describe mine too! Lots of helpful and kind posts upthread, but in this particular situation (responding to a message), I just wanted to offer this. I wonder if like me you are slightly addicted to the 'coping' adrenaline rush that comes when a message from DM pops up on the phone. Even though I know it's manipulation. Even though I know she is not alone. If it were an emergency she has a personal alarm which brings someone running. My challenge now is to put the phone down and take deep breath. Make a cup of tea. Let the anxiety response subside. Look at the message when I can. Put the phone down. Another deep breath. Decide a response. A thumbs up might be all I send....something low energy which acknowledges contact but doesn't feed the drama. It isn't a perfect solution but it can stop things escalating. Silence from me means that getting an answer from me becomes her project for the day. BTW DM has 2 children but would never fire off messages expecting a reply to my DB because he is "so busy".... I am never going to change her. All I can do is change my responses. Good luck and thoughts 💐

Agree with boundaries, you set them, keep to them, do not allow any form of emotional blackmail, that coin has been spent. Get information re. help and you ring her husband's family, so you do what you think is right and, if she doesn't like it, tough, you are looking at what's needed, not want is wanted. You focus on you and your immediate family, compartmentalise involvement with your mum and be prepared to walk away from mind games she might play. Life is not a rehearsal, this is how it is played out, so you write how you want it to be.

You are absolutely right @Thoseshoeslookcomfy I think I've forgotten how to behave appropriately - I go into panic mode automatically. I hadn't realised until I said it how many things I do are in response to her behaviour - like always having my phone on silent so even if she calls or texts I get a little bit of time to choose when I answer. It was much worse in the days of landlines - I used to dread getting home to a flashing message. It's not normal to be like that is it.

I guess I need to work out how to change my reactions.

Retraining yourself is hard. After DM had the big crisis-accident-hospital etc etc, every call or message or notification sent my body into panic mode. I felt that every question or request was the most urgent thing ever and I had to solve everything immediately (she wasn't even that demanding!). It took time, having a serious word with myself and a very sensible DH to (mostly) get me past it. I should have therapy tho.

Oh OP, I totally get you - it’s exhausting, and the dread of what comes next is real.

This line from your posts really stood out to me: she’s perfectly able, she just wants people to fuss over her.

This pretty much sums up my own mother, who seemingly wants me to be her emotional crutch, and run around after her doing chores, and listen to her endless complaints about her neighbours or latest health niggles. And ditto endless discussions about all her check ups and medical appointments. She’s always been quite a difficult person, but it’s gotten so much worse as she gets older. I find her so hard to deal with, as she’s so draining.

Really she’s lonely and wants attention, but she’s not a very pleasant person (quite negative and judgemental) so it doesn’t make me want to spend much time with her.

My late father fussed over her and indulged her, and I think she assumes I’m going to step into that role, but I just can’t, I don’t have the patience, and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to want to help herself.

Similar to your situation, my mother has plenty of money in the bank (tens of thousands in savings) and a very good pension, but won’t spend money on getting help in or improving her situation. The implication being that I will do it instead for free.

She’s actually in pretty good health for her age - 82 in a few months - so I wish she would just spend some money and enjoy herself, but she seems determined to be miserable.

I guess I’m just dreading what comes next. There seems to be loads of us out there dealing with this.

Feelings won’t kill you op, you may feel you are being horrible but so what, you aren’t and you are creating the feeling yourself, she isn’t. But you don’t like the feeling so you will do anything to get rid of it, then you have another feeling - resentment.

you are also tormenting yourself self with the what ifs, again they aren’t facts. All the things you are saying she’s no friends she only wants me, you are getting something out of that, you are mummy’s chosen one like when you were a child. I’m so grown up mummy says so she shares grown up things with me. I’m special. It’s hard when that’s been your life but it can change.

I find using the “Do not disturb” function on my phone really helps. I have it on for all of work and commuting time, plus overnight. It means she can’t get hold of me immediately and has made her learn to await a response.

I’ve had the attempts at urgent but really trivial messages too. Sometimes I will respond and ring her that day when I’m available, but I won’t then ring her in the usual day/time that week - I told her I needed to do the things I hadn’t had time to do because of making the earlier phone call. So she’s not getting any extra time from me.

I do think my female relatives of the past weren’t really working much at all, so did spend a lot of time listening to the endless chatter about nothing from elderly relatives. But then they’d have known the same people, used the same GP and hospital and had a lot of free time compared to me. I couldn’t care less about the people mine goes on about, have never met them!

Contact Adult Social Care in her area and they can arrange for an assessor to visit and help work out what type of support they need. My Dad had one after my SM died and she was brilliant. She provided both practical and emotional support.

Re. Long chats and emotional support. It’s trying, isn’t it. This may not be the right decision for you, but I’ve decided that my Dad (87) needs it and I ring him most days. My take is that he’s not going to be around for many more years so I’ll deal with it.
It’s draining sometimes as he completely offloads on me-some days he’s upbeat and fine; others he’s feeling unwell and it’s pretty miserable. On the positive side, it has made us closer and he’s lovely to my children (if not always to me)!

It’s a very difficult time of life, especially when they’re self-centered people. It’s certainly teaching me how not to behave when I’m elderly!

Op I dont phone mine daily as so negative. 80s. Boundaries your only thing. Ive got texts demanding urgent replies. Had explain Im in work. She calls all the shots if I allowed it. Thumbs up a good response too. God its draining isnt it. Has she carers or home help.

I think the time will come when she/they will need an assessment for carers or some kind of help. To be honest I think my SD's family should be helping sort this but because she has alienated most of them it appears to fall to me even though it's his health - and her reaction to it - that needs support.

@CoastalGrey The Adult Social Care assessment is to work out how to make their lives easier even before they need carers. They can help them organize their finances if necessary, source various aids around the house if they need them, etc. Honestly, I’d really recommend looking into it now. My Dad really liked his assessor and she was able to help him for 12 weeks. She and I also communicated so I knew exactly what she was helping him with.

@CoastalGrey

You could set her number to automatically go to voicemail?

Via Phone/Contacts App : Open the contact, tap the three-dot menu, and select Block contact. Calls will go to voicemail, and you may get a notification that they called.

That would, at least, give you some breathing space 😊

Be there for emotional support on the phone and the occasional visit and be clear that because of the distance you can't be involved in practical support at all and they should pay for help if they need it. Keep saying this.

OP, I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but what sort of relationship did she have with her own mother? Was she always expected to put her mother first (as can often be the case with women of that age/generation), and now expects you to do the same for her?

@SchrodingersParrot I mentioned this briefly above but the thread has moved on quite fast. Her own mum moved to live near her and she was the main carer for her until she died She (my mum) was quite resentful in the end but I still think this is how she expects it will be for her, the difference being that she didn't work whereas at the rate I'm going I'll still be working long after she's not around.

Her sibling died recently (which I get is hard as they were close) and in their last years the sibling moved in with one of their children to be cared for. Again I think this is something she may expect but the sibling was a very different sort of person and their child's life is very different to mine.

Do you have a headset for your phone? I can’t stand the emotional support chatter but I stick her on headset and do something else whilst she rambles on so it doesn’t feel like wasted time.

She has plenty of people around to talk to but somehow thinks the daughter is the one who should be responsible for all of this.

I just say “oh dear” or “that’s difficult” type comments at intervals without trying to offer solutions.

Part of learning to set boundaries and stick to them is accepting that you are going to feel like the bad guy at times. It’s uncomfortable if you aren’t used to it.

So for your mums texts, how do you want to respond? What’s going to be your rule? Maybe you don’t reply straight away, maybe let her go to voicemail? How often do you speak to her?

I could have written your post OP. My mother is exactly the same . She doesn’t need help / care yet but doesn’t have a single friend at 80 , has no savings at all having spent every penny she’s ever had with nothing set aside for the future . I have been her financial and emotional crutch since she left my dad when I was 8yrs old . She has been married 4 times and the last husband walked out 4 yrs ago . For my own sanity I’ve taken a complete step away , I pop my head in once a week to say hello and then get the hell away . I’ve told her I will not be her carer and nor will I be a POA or anything involving her finances as she’s so suspicious of everything she’ll no doubt think I’m fleecing from her . I am an only child so no one to share the burden with .

I have no real advice but just wanted to offer support… we are in a similar position with both sides of aging parents, and my MIL particularly has lots of health issues, does not help herself at all with her health or family relationships (very judgemental so has made her own bed so to speak) and after a recent serious stint in hospital got used to all the attention and family visits- she is now home and is making it clear how lonely and incapable she is back on her own. Whilst I feel for her, it’s just not feasible for us to drop everything for her and not do we want to, but how to handle it and help her without getting overly involved?? the guilt is awful.

I will be reading replies with interest and hope you get some good advice from others who have already been through this. Good luck x

OP, I was tempted to describe my own experience but I think it's too different - my mom isn't always the easiest person, and can grind my gears at times, but I do love her very much and am largely happy to suck up the difficulties and be there for her .... I could be wrong, but I sense this may not be the case for you? (And zero judgement from me if it isn't - I realise I am very lucky, compared to many on here).

A helpful question to reflect on (my counsellor asked me this recently and I found it useful) for you might be:

• if you were to consult only your own wishes, ignoring your mom's needs and desires, others' expectations etc,, what would YOU like your relationship with your mom to look like? How much contact would you like, if any, and what form would it take? How much time (if any) would you like to spend on her company, and what would this look like? Etc.

I think being clear in your own mind on this is at least a starting point. We don't always get what we want , but if you know what you are hoping for, in a perfect world, then it's easier to set, and then try to establish, boundaries as to how far from this ideal you are willing to deviate.

Hope that makes sense? And good luck!

It's sad to hear how many people are in a similar position. I'm definitely going to put whatever I need in place to ensure my daughter isn't another one in years to come.

At the moment I often try to talk to her while I'm driving, it feels like a good way to do it but I get a definite sense of her feeling like she's not important and has to fit in with the rest of my life. The first isn't necessarily true but the second definitely is.

Its different these days. Oh she minded her mam.. I said we all work now. Lives are busier. I find they get really selfish.

@CoastalGrey Oh yes, this is so familiar. I regularly hear examples of what other adult children do for their parents, how so-and-so moved close them, etc.

Of course, he never mentions the friends who are in the opposite situation and still giving a lot of support to middle-aged children. Nor that many of his example have several children (I’m an only) so can share the parental support. Apparently I’m supposed to be Superwoman. 🤣